As some of you know the great and holy Cow Oracle was arrested last week for allegations of money laundering, drug embezzling,pornography, inside stock trading, and unethical dealings with Karl Rove. Well, there is breaking news, bipeds! The Oracle has escaped from jail!

On Saturday evening, two cow prison guards were found unconscious and dazed and the Oracle, who they were transporting to a new cell, was missing. An extensive search of the area found no trace of the holy one and authorities are working desperately to locate the Oracle. The great one is reportedly in a weakened state, as the Oracle has not eaten or drank since the unfortunate and unfounded accusations.

Michael Jackson's attorney from the recent molestation trial had agreed Saturday afternoon to defend the Oracle, pro bovine, and the holy one would have certainly been found innocent on all charges. The escape on Saturday evening though, unfortunately, raises some question.

I hope the Oracle is okay. Updates will be forthcoming...



MISSING!!!!

You're really trying to make this character work, aren't you?

question: Where are you located?

i really want to look for magic mushrooms in your cowpies! i'm thinking since you're an oracle and all maybe that'll give them a little something extra.

sinisterpentatonic said:

bite your tongue, sinisterpentatonic! Cow is for real and the Great Cow Oracle is a messenger of the divine. bow before greatness!

XxAxX said:

not until i locate her cowpies!

Another question: Do the mushrooms growing in the area you graze in turn blue their caps are squeezed?

XxAxX said:

There are always doubters, exalted XxAxX. You can lead a human to water but you can't make them lap them up or whatnot.

Oh Oracle, where are you?

Cow said:

Lying low in India? Where respect is given.


[Edited 7/31/05 14:37pm]

The search continues for the Oracle...all white Broncos in the area have been checked just in case the Oracle decided to pull an OJ but the holy one would never escape in a car named after a horse. I keep having weird visions of a farmhouse but I am not sure if I am just wigging out because I am stressed or if the Oracle is trying to send me a message. Could the Oracle be telling me their destination? I am not completely clear on the image or the source.

I just hope the Oracle shows up soon...

The image has become clearer...the farm house is vaguely familliar but I cannot remember ever being there. I went into a trance a little while ago and I saw the Oracle at that farm house beckoning me. I kept trancing really hard until I could make out the address on the mailbox. Then I did a Google search and I know where I'm going...I know where the Oracle is.

For the three of you bipeds who care, I shall be with the Oracle tomorrow. I will confront the Holy One, get to the bottom of all the charges, and hopefully get the Revolution back on track.

I have a long night's travel ahead of me...

I am almost there (almost home, somthing in my cow mind says). The farmhouse where I will confront the Oracle. As I lay in the back of the pickup truck that was nice enough to pick up and transport me to my destination, I had vivid dreams of the farm. I saw myself as a little calf, frolicking around as little calves do. But that's impossible...I have never been to this farm. I know where I was born. I know who I am. But did I really?

Only a couple more hours...I have a feeling the Oracle will have a lot to tell me.

Oh, snaps, the truck guy is pulling into McDonald's. I bray my diapproval but he says he's only getting a danish. That's okay, I guess.

sinisterpentatonic said:

XxAxX is quite familiar with those mushrooms. She ingests hundreds of them per day. This is why she is now legally insane!

JediMaster said:

i see your electric shock treatments haven't really 'taken' yet, have they dear?

XxAxX said:

Hi Whitney! How's Bobby doin'?

I am at the farmhouse. The guy in the truck was nice. I am not sure how he understood where I wanted to go because I speak only Cow and he speaks the gibberish you call English. Maybe the Oracle mind-melded with him and sent him to me. The Oracle can do that.

I hoped out of the truck bed and walked toward the red barn behind the corn field. I was overwhelmed with deja vu. I knew the place. But I couldn't place it; I just didn't know why it was so familliar. I kept walking and got to the entrance. With a heavy sigh, I walked through the open doors.

Inside, it was dark and shadowy. I saw some stray chickens, a couple of snobby ass horses, and then I saw, in shadow, a figure that I immediately recognized.

"I've been waiting for you," the weak, but recognizable voice said. She was sitting down and a weak light encircled her body. Then, slowly, a stronger glow began to form around her and then all at once, shining like the sun, the Oracle.

"Oracle, I have come far. They are looking for you. I have so many questions. I need to find out if you did all those things you are accused of. I need to find out why this place looks so familliar. I need..."I stammered.

"Come sit down. There isn't a lot of time. I have all the answers you seek but you must come closer. I do not have a lot of time."

What did the Oracle mean by that? I had to know. I came and sat on my haunches beside her. She looked at me, more lovingly than she ever had before, and she began to speak.


More to come...

Cow said:

Heh, you thought it was some sort of magic trick from your Oracle that the agent....errr, I mean, uh, that truck driver was able to understand you? Your Revolution is about to go down in flames!!!

The story continues...

So I sat down next to the Oracle. I noticed her heavy breathing and her stench...like a human obese jogger who had forgotten their deoderant in the middle of August. She was definitely not the all powerful Oracle I knew and worshipped.

"Hello, Cow," she said, lovingly and almost quivering.

"Master, " I said. "It has been a rough couple of days. The humans are in pursuit and will find you. They will make a sacred cow of you, literally as well as figuratively.Did you really do all do all those things you are accused of? All those horrible, human-like things."

"There is not time...all will be revealed in this envelope. I needed to see you about something else before I..." the Oracle trailed off.

"Die?, " I said, knowing how she was going to finish the sentence.

"Yes. My time is up...but fear not. There is another who will follow me, another Oracle who will take my place. A chosen one. My daughter."

"Your daughter...who?" I said puzzled, not being aware of the Oracle having children.

"Why, you Cow. You are my beloved heifer," the Oracle said.

I sat stunned. I was not prepared for this. I did not understand. The Oracle wasn't my mother. I had a mother. I was born well across the country in a different place. A different farm.

"Your memory betrays you," the Oracle said. "Your childhood never existed like you thought it did. They were implanted memories. You were kept in seclusion until you came of age. But the time has come. The time has come for you to rule and to lead the Revolution."

I could not believe my ears. I was the child of the Oracle, the Oracle in wauting. I was to lead the cows.

More to come...

Cow said:

You are believing these lies, after all this "Oracle" has done???

Cow said:

i believe you. the reason why is because i saw something similar in MIBII. the girl was the treasure/light of zortha all along and no one knew it until the end of the movie.

The Story Concludes

It is dark now. I am back in the truck with the man who drove me here. The Oracle, well I guess I should call her Mom now, had summoned him before and he came again to take me home. The new Oracle. I guess I will have to learn that mind-melding trick. I will have a lot to learn. But I know it will come to me, Mom told me so.

I am carrying the envelope in my mouth. Damn non-opposable thumbs. The envelope contained the final words of the Oracle, her response to the charges against her. I will open it soon.

My mind wanders back to the last few hours. The Oracle was dying and she filled in the blanks of my life. My birth, my seclusion, my memory implants to make me think I was just a normal cow instead of the Cow Savior. It all clicked together. And it explained the star-shaped birthmark on my udder that I had always wondered about.

The Oracle also told me about the hiding place of the books that contained her Oracle knowledge. I will study the books and try to do the best I can to use my power for good. The Revolution will have to be put off for now but it will happen. Rest assured, I will lead it in her memory.

But as for the charges, the crimes the Oracle was accused of, she never admitted anything. Even as she drew her last breath, she just wanted to talk about me, my past and my future. And, as the glow slowly faded, and she with it, I cried pure bovine tears. The Oracle was gone.

And now, I hold the envelope. Would it contain a complete confession? A complete denial? What would it say?

After 45 minutes, I finally got the envelope open. It contained one sheet of paper. It had writing. Fully literate but unable to write myself (damn non-opposable thumbs again) I was impressed that the Oracle could write on paper. The paper contained two sentences. I read them and cried.


"Absolute power corrupts absolutely...even cows."

and

"I will be watching."


I stuffed the paper in my mouth again. I would remember both statements as I
become the next Oracle. I will remember Mom and what she did for the cows and what she did for me.

Long live the Oracle.

Power to the herd!

Good riddance to that imposter! She wasn't your mom and you have been brainwashed by a dangerous cult leader!

the Great Cow Oracle can never truly be gone. she lives in all of us.

XxAxX said:

I've been vaccinated against that.

JediMaster said:

and against a LOT of other things, i heard

XxAxX said:

Yup. There are cow-loving weirdos like you, spreading all those filthy cow germs around!

JediMaster said:

so the penicllin worked for you? glad to hear it. those oozing facial sores were.... less than appealing

XxAxX said:

I never had oozing facial sores. You're confusing me with that image you see in the mirror every morning.

JediMaster said:

i hear cowpies make a lovely ointment for your rash. try applying some
[Edited 8/3/05 9:51am]

XxAxX said:

You mean those cowpies you pick your "special" mushrooms from? No thank you!

JediMaster said:

hip boots or no she sounds a bit dangerous, really
[Edited 8/4/05 8:32am]