I'm doing a some research about women's relationships with their fathers and how it affects their reltionships with men during their lives. I realize this is a personal question.....Describe your relationship with your father, describe your relationships with men (lovers and otherwise) and if you think the two are related. Thanks in advance!

Besides my husband, my dad is my very best freind

i also had 3 older brothers ...i love men for what they are MEN

i had/have a good relationship with my dad ... i have a good relationship with my husband ... my brothers and my sons

i do feel that there is some relation to it all

well, as far as describing my past relationships in detail and etc. i'll pass. but i'll say i loved my dad a lot growing up but he and mom divorced when i was young.

so at that age i learned that love means pain at times, that circumstances beyond our control have the pwoer to affect us all and that nothing lasts forever. as an adult i carry that lesson with me and when i'm in relationships i'm always aware that things can change abruptly. i guess i might have a few trust issues

I don't have one!!!!!

and my husband and I have worked together and made it thru some really tough times the last 10 years....


So we're good!!!!!

wow. that's a whopper of a question. I don't think I feel like getting into details, but suffice to say, I think we do 'learn' most things about relationships from our parents. And in that respect, I've had (and still have) lots to overcome.

My dad and I have mostly had a positive relationship, but he is not outwardly emotional or affectionate with me. . .almost never.

Of the two serious long term relationships I've had, one guy has a hard time expressing himself emotionally, but is quite affectionate. . . the other tends to withdraw emotion and affection as soon as he feels threatened in any way, and it's hard to get it back once that happens.

I don't know if there is really a pattern there or not, but maybe with time and new relationships it will be more clear. I would say that I crave affection and emotional intimacy from people who aren't interested in giving it quite often, and it is a big source of pain in my life.

I won't get into mine right now, but i do believe that a girls/womans relationship with her father definitely affects her future relationships with men.

I am closer to my father
I am not close to my mother, never have been

Had a very loving relationship w/ my dad, was his baby girl, all that. I believe it's because of this that I have very high standards for the men I date - they've gotta be worthy of my time, make me feel special, etc. I'm not a brat about it but I check out if I feel like I'm not being treated with respect & love...

CalhounSq said:

Calhoun, you hit it right on the nail.

guitarslinger44 said:

Difficult
Difficult



... actually, I get on great with men and am generally adored by the men I have had relationships with, still. I am in touch with most of my ex's, one of whom is my best friend and calls me at least once a week to check how I am. My ex-husband still lives with me. I think I choose men who have good values and high standards, like my dad, and who are friends first, because I need to trust before I can love. I don't find relationships particularly easy because of my childhood experiences, many of which were unpleasant at best. It takes me a long time to love someone, but when I do, I love them forever and whatever happens, we usually stay lifelong friends if it ends.

I have tried for years to recover from my upbringing but just when I think I'm there, something will set me off and I'll end up crying again for the child I never was. I do think my relationship with both my parents has made the person I am. In some ways it's not a good thing; in others, it's been an advantage. Because of my beliefs, I believe I chose them to be my parents before I came here and the challenges they gave me have been for a purpose. I do think, though, that not all my relationships with men have been "normal". For instance, my ex-husband/current partner is 10 years older than me and takes on a very paternal role at times, which I'm now rebelling against a lot of the time and causes friction. We are still friends and love one another a lot, but I'm sure everything about this relationship has been shaped by my relationship with my parents.

MsLegs said:

Cosign! Ditto here!

I have a quite uneasy relationship with my father...since I was old enough to remember he's always lived 10 hours away and apart from phone calls school tuition and some school holidays never really taken an interest in my life, friends or ambitions anything like that. I bet he couldn't even say what I wanted to be when I grew up. In contrast, tho, my brother is my best mate I tell him everything and he tells me everything too.

I'm not sure but there is probably a lot more correlation between my relationship with him and my relationship with other men...I don't talk to men easily I get very shy, embarrassed and don't know how to interact with them mostly. I have to be quite close to a male to be able to open up to them. consequently to that I've never had a boyfriend or been involved romantically with any man...not sure how it all ties in exactly but honestly it probably does somewhere

I have always been very distant from my father. It's part "stoic Asian patriarch" mixed with his demanding work schedule and other things. We are not close, but that is sort of the way he is. I have learned that from him, to an extent. My mom tells us stories of things he says and I know he loves me but he shows it in odd or awful ways. For example, he often gives and gives and gives us money to make ourselves comfortable but will never call to see if we actually are comfortable. My mom is the opposite. Now I am the stoic one in my family.

I strive for exactly the opposite in my boyfriends. My boyfriend is my best friend. What I don't have in my family relationships - I look for in my romantic endeavors.

luv4u said:

Same for me, I always was a lot closer to my dad than I am to my mom
My dad was 52 when I was born and I never was interested in older men, but in guys who are younger than I am

im going 2 apologize in advance 4 this, cause im quite bitter at the moment...bear with me


i have recently come 2 the realization that my father is an ass...and i mean that in the most respectful way possible, honestly. i didnt meet my father til i was 9 or so...but ever since then i was closer with him than my mom. however, he allows whatever female that is in his life 2 dictate his relationship with his children, which was great when he was with chicks that encourage him 2 spend time with his kids...the current broad(wifey) didnt like how close we were i think...even though she fronts like she wants us 2 be all happy and shit, but whatever. so, my relationship with my father used 2 b great, but he has allowed it 2 deteriorate because of stupid small stuff...and the worst part is, ive accepted it...i do think my father has stated that hes done with me, and while thats not how i wish things 2 b, if thats the decision hes made, ill accept it....eventually.

as far as my relationships with other guys...ive never had a BAD relationship...in fact ive had some wonderful, very luving relationships, in spite of how my relationship with my father has progressively worsened over the past couple of years...i dont really see my relationships with guys going bad because of my piss poor father

sorry if that was a little personal...i guess i needed 2 vent a little

My dad only had daughters and so treated me like the token son. I got to tinker in the garage with him, go look in car yards with him and help put together the IKEA furniture from an early age. We got along quite well and I always felt he respected my opinion.
My husband treats me as an equal (I wouldn't be with him otherwise) I think this expectation stems from the fact that my dad always did that too.

darlinkia said:

yes, it has everything to do with your relationship with your father

my older sister and i were most effected by my dad, although, before he died, she was able to talk some things out with him which made it easier for her to overcome their problems. her relationship is impacted by the father that she grew up with in many ways.... however, in my case, since my dad died on my 18th birthday, i wasnt old enough yet to really be able to sit and have a heart to heart conversation with a man that i was deathly afraid of. i regret not having that discussion with him to this day, and i am haunted by my 'difficult' relationship with him in most every relationship with men be they lovers, bosses, teachers, whatever

now, my youngest sister was only 2 when dad moved out, and she will tell you she really didnt know him well at all and was very unaffected by him..... however, i think its very interesting that she went off and married someone just like her older brother. he was the most profound male influence in her life.....

so, yeah, it has everything to do with it, IMO.

CalhounSq said:

Interesting. See, I have been known to tolerate an awful lot of distance, disrespect, and not-making-me-feel-special in important relationships. . . not a bad description of what I tolerated with my dad most of the time. . .

It's funny, I've always heard people talk about how your relationships with your parents affect all of your other relationships, but I never really stopped and applied it to me. Definately interesting.

nakedpianoplayer said:

I don't think that's always true, though, as in a lot of ways I think I'm much more like my father than my mother. I have aspects of each in how I handle relationships.

CarrieMpls said:

i agree... i would not say adult love relations have everything to do with your relation ( or not ) to your father

CarrieMpls said:

I dont think it has everything to do with your father, but, saying that, the primary male figure that a child develops a relationship with is usually the father, not in all cases of course, but usually, or a father type figure. I think that the personality of the father figure can influence your perceptions of men into adulthood. To what extent they influence you is subjective and depends upon the personality of the adult you become. Your first experiences of adult males (i.e the father) can shape your views on men to a lesser or greater extent. Some people are attracted to men who are the complete opposite in personality to their male parent figure and others are attracted to "father figures." usually older and nurturing.etc.

It's complicated, I think. just my two cents anyhow.

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[Edited 8/1/05 9:32am]

CalhounSq said:

thanks

I just want to say thanks to all of you who have replied to this!

NOw, question #2 is: Do you tend to go for men that RESEMBLE your father, or are quite the OPPOSITE of him?

Also (and I know this question may be bones for contention!) HOw old are you guys?

guitarslinger44 said:

#2... no. I tend to notice many men but the ones I'm most attracted to have been completely different

#3...I'm 29

Natisse said:

that sounds very similar to my relationship with my father/brother. My father doesn't seem to know too much about me and he doesn't seem interested in actually getting to know me as a person, but it's not like he lived hours away. We can't even have a five minute conversation, and chances are he probably couldn't tell me my middle name. ok he probably knows thatmuch, but I'm sure he doesn't know my favorite things, you know basic stuff that even mere acquaintances know about me. Out of all of the people in my family, I'm probably the closest to my brother too. He's the male version of me. Or I'm the female version of him since he's older. It's kinda scary how I know what he's thinking at times and vice versa. Even our zodiac sign's the same.

My father cheated on my mother for years and they finally divorced when I was 9. I didn't have a normal relationship until now, and I'm 28. I didn't feel worthy with some men, I was mean to other men and I never trusted any of them.

But now it's all good

guitarslinger44 said:

Do you mean physically? The opposite, I guess.

I'm 25.