Monday, June 27, 2005DEAR TOM CRUISE:

You have made Hulk very upset because you have taken that nice little girl Katie Holmes who has not graduated the eighth grade yet and made her into your special friend to take around and you think that gives you the right to act like a monkey on that woman Oprah's show but it does not! Hulk is tired of seeing you and even if Hulk wanted to go see the movie about the War Of The Worlds (GO EARTH! HULK IS IN YOUR CORNER!) before you started acting like Speedball after he's had too many of Iron Man's special grown-up drinks, he does not want to see it now because he is tired of seeing you and he thinks there's a special place for people like you and it was called "Arkham Asylum" in that movie that they made about Batman, which is where Hulk first saw that Katie Holmes that you have kidnapped and brainwashed.

Please let Katie Holmes go, Tom Cruise. You are making Hulk angry and tired and cranky whenever Hulk sees you. You wouldn't like Hulk when he's angry and tired and cranky unless you are the Red Bull Superdrink sales man because then you get all of Hulk's money.

Bye,
Hulk.

PS> No, Hulk does not want to have a "stress test!"

It's funny how being in a relationship with someone sixteen years your junior can expose you to so many things you never knew existed. When my fiancee and I started dating, we had almost nothing in common, except that we both loved Tom Cruise. To tell the truth, it was kind of awkward -- but it's not anymore. After spending so much time in Europe promoting our movies, we've become really happy wi--no...surprisingly comforta...no...um, we're okay with each other, at least a little bit. She no longer flinches (as much) when I touch her as she did when we first met, and she no longer freaks out (as much) whenever she sees me playing naked pool with the butler and the gardener. She even joins in, every once in awhile. It's so awesome.

From the Tom Cruise's online diary:

http://tomcruiseblog.blogspot.com/

Another way Katie and I have been bonding over the past nine or ten weeks has been by listening to music. I tried getting her to listen to Tom Petty and James Taylor, but she kept on telling me that was stuff her dad listened to. She then tried to get me into Paula Cole and Death Cab for Cutie, but I just didn't get it. Eventually, we both settled for Beck and Matchbox 20. I wonder if the fact that we were Scientologists, and they were Scientologists, made the music sound more beautiful. Who knows? Katie said that before, when she used to listen to Matchbox 20, she could never understand what the main singer was trying to say -- but ever since she switched religions, it was like a light bulb turned on (or a bunch of thetans left her body). I agreed with her. It's a wonderful feeling. Plus, Rob is hot. Don't tell him I said that though; he gets so red when he blushes!

This afternoon, we stayed in to watch some movies. We saw the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead, but we had to turn it off before the end, because the zombies reminded Katie too much of Scientologists in our Church. She was scared, but we hugged, and then everything got better. She applied her tanning lotion (the one we bought to get rid of my palm-marks on the back of her neck from leading her around like a prisoner-of-war), and then we went to bed -- but not in the Biblical sense, of course! That's not going to happen until we're married -- and when we do, let's just say I'll be thinking more about Dawson than about Joey. I don't know. If anyone can set me straight, it's got to be Katie. I can't keep up this facade for much longer. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go find Katie, the butler, and the carpenter.

Anyone up for a game of naked volleyball?
Streaking like a cruise missile,
The incredible, edible Tom Cruise (M.D).

senik said:

Wrong Hulk.

Hey, how did you join the Church of Scientolomology? Did you have to take a stress test and read Diamaneticals?

senik said:

Wrong Hulk.

Hey, how did you join the Church of Scientolomology? Did you have to take a stress test and read Diamaneticals?

Oh, even better on that blog:

JediMaster said:

Hulk!... as in David Banner Shiiiiit

As chief Scientalmoppticalist of the Org. I exercise my right NOT to be in Tommy's corner as his 'cuts man' just for this one fight

Good luck Tom I'll see you on the other side ol' chum

I am the real Hulk.

JediMaster said:

Hulk!... as in David Banner Shiiiiit

As chief Scientalmoppticalist of the Org. I exercise my right NOT to be in Tommy's corner as his 'cuts man' just for this one fight

Good luck Tom I'll see you on the other side ol' chum

HulkHogan said:

No you're not. This guy is:

JediMaster said:

still convinced that Lou can beat the Hulk I see.