my friend has been in a relationship for around 13 years which he has never been that happy in (they have a boy aged 8)he always complained about the poor sex life he had and it used to get him really down (he had a nervous breakdown 3 years ago due to it). he has recently met a woman who he likes,finds atractive and it seems she likes him as well. he is starting to wonder if the the grass is greener but he finds himself thinking what effect it will have on his little boy if the relationship did collapse.
...
...the woman has split from her abusive husband over a year ago and she also has a child(aged 11) and is in the process of taking him to the cleaners through the courts and he has, apparently, tried to attack her several times since they split up and smashed her car up only two weeks ago....so her life is a bit of a mess as well....
...
...he would like to get to know this woman better but she has told him she likes him a lot but cannot see him anymore while he is still tied to the relationship he is in!...
...
...he has asked me what he should do but i am lost with this one..what do you think?

If she's still in the process of leaving him (so much so that as recently as 2 weeks ago there was an altercation of that nature) she's in no position to start a new relationship either.
If he's really unhappy, he should spearate from his wife, but NOT see this woman yet either. Try life on his own for a bit, let her get her act together and maybe down the road they can see if it would work out. Getting involved with someone in the midst of such a mess is SO not a good idea. Chanes of it working out long-term are very, very slim.

Ok... If your friend is not happy and if he had a nervous breakdown caused by the relationship he should leave. He'll be a better father when he's more stable and content with himself and his life than if he stays where he is.

The woman he's met sounds like trouble, I feel for her but he has enough on his own plate.

If he wants to leave he should leave, but he should leave for himself not anyone less. He needs time to heal and work on himself before he enters another relationship.

Just my

Divorce is very hard on children. My wife is a paralegal in a law firm that specializes in family law, and she sees a lot this kid of stuff. I'd recommend he rethink where his priorities lie. Maybe he should try to reinvest himself in the relationship he's in and start all over. Have him talk to her about it and let her know that he's having issues with the way things are. Maybe go to a marriage counsellor and see what they can offer. Just don't let him give up on what he has. He'll be in a worse position if he splits from her. The other person is not worth it.

Sweeny79 said:

you and carrie both are dead on

BCorgman said:

yup.

Sweeny79 said:

I ended up going through something similar to this, and for myself it would have been the biggest mistake of my life if I left my wife for the other person. Confronting the issues with my wife was very beneficial and things got a lot better afterwards. We both had more of an appreciation for what we had together.

I'd like to have a normal partner.

jerseykrs said:

Do they exist?

not in my experiences....

jerseykrs said:

mine either

Sweeny79 said:

mine either... which kinda flips it around. I think the folks who've really got it together and think they have it all figured out are the abnormal ones.

CarrieMpls said:

I was just about to say I think my boyfriend is just as crazy as I am, and that's ok because we talk about it.

Sweeny79 said:

See - that's the thing. You just find the people whose 'quirks' you can live with.

CarrieMpls said:

Wise words, took me a long time to learn that lesson.

Sweeny79 said:

...Couldn't agree more...Well, if "less" was supposed to be "else", then yeah, I could agree more..lol..

Byron said:

yeah that's what I meant

Sweeny79 said:

I don't believe in permanent monogamy. Love is not a prison. Why all the talk about not leaving until parted by death.

The best love is in serial monogamy, where you stay as long as the union is nurturing and healthy, then you say "Well, we had good times, didn't we. Now, it's time to pursue our individual destinies. But we will always be friends."

Reminds me of a line from India Aire's song "The Truth": " Even if he left me, I wouldn't even be sad. 'Cuz there's a lesson in every blessing and I'm glad that I knew him at all."


When a relationship is over you move on. You can't stay for the kids. If the union isn't healthy, the kids will sense that and won't be healthy either.

That other chick will be no more than a rebound girl. His attraction for her is a symptom that he just wants to go.

Now, the question is will both people in the marriage agree it's over? Otherwise that woman in going to be in for some heartache that will never end... I can testify

thanks for all your wise words....its a f**king mess, isnt it

fucking mess, yes. It's fine to give advice and say that one should leave nicely and separate and find himself before moving onto a new relationship. Or that he should stay for the benefit of the kid. All that sounds very nice. And very rational.

However, unfortunately, life doesn't tend to work that way and humans are emotional beings. Breaking up is devastating no matter how you look at it, especially after 13 years and maybe making a new friend is the only way to do it. Can someone simply break up and go off on their own with no support, especially if their spouse is broken hearted and calling them back? Maybe this woman and this man have met in order to free each other from their partners. And maybe it won't be permanent, but they serve a very necessary function, if the relationship really needs to break.

If not, he'll get over it. Or a crisis will reinvent and reaffirm the relationship. If he's having a nervous breakdown because of the relationship, then he better get away quick. But it could be much deeper than that and maybe he just blames the relationship for his own spiritual bankruptcy.

I agree. People are stupid for making that promise to be with someone forever. Forever is a very, very, very long time.

Any one who is involved with someone with "quirks" and accepts it is just settling for anybody they can get. That's what most people have to do. it's sad.

Back to the main subject, the guy should leave his wife. Keeping a marriage going just for the sake of the kids is wrong. The kid will be better off if the couple splits instead of watching a bad and unhappy marriage. On the other hand he should not hook up with that other woman either. She sounds like she has major issues. He does not need that crap either. He should look for someone who has their sh*t together.