Fleshofmyflesh said:

JoeyMFinCoco said:

That's cos you're in love with me.
[Edited 7/3/05 7:09am]

REDFEATHERS said:

Excuse me ?

Fleshofmyflesh said:

So how would you do that? Would you force them to stay with you?

REDFEATHERS said:

I treat them in such a way where they don't want to leave.
I put my heart and soul into the relationship. I nurture it, like a child.
Is that funny ?

Fleshofmyflesh said:

No. Not funny. I'm glad it's worked for you, though. I'm pretty sure not all of us are that lucky.

MarieLouise said:

I think that's good advice. Because I do feel like no matter who I'm with I'll always have unfinished feelings for this man. So, I feel like I want to connect for closure. We never had closure.

What I'm thinking is that I'll send him a card, recounting the magical way we met and a few good times we had, mention how we never got closure and that I still adore him and am open to being friends.

I'm thinking that I'll not put my address on it (1, to save face in case he's with someone who'll get his mail, and 2, because I need to see if he'll search for me. If I inspire him to hunt for me (and again, I'm easy to find on Google), then that will mean he's emotionally invested. If he doesn't, then he's not. I can write it off and say well I never gave him a return address).

Another plan is to just call him and try to chat .. but I'm scared of ruining things with a cold call. I don't want him to think I'm stalking him.

I could just send a card on his birthday, which is approaching. That seems more natural.


Yes, Marie, why would he stay away all these years? It could be because he doesn't care or it could be because he thinks things can't be repaired. But men keep a lot of feelings internal. So, I'm not interpreting this lack of contact as a symbol of his disaffection for me.

No it wouldn't be enough for him to say her father made me marry her cuz she was pregnant (even though she was a minister's kid). Basically, I need to hear from him if he really loved me at all, why did he marry her over me, and are his feelings still strong for me.


I don't care that he had another chick on the side. Men do this (he was 20 and in college, I expected him to explore).

But what if he loved us both and couldn't choose. Then when in a rage I sorta left for a few weeks, he might have made his decision, especially upon hearing she was pregnant. When I called him after cooling off he said "I knew you would do this. I'm over you." He had asked me not to go away. But at the same time he gave me no commitment to stay.


The other woman soon called me and said "Last week, xxx, asked me to marry him and I said yes. I'm not intimidated by you anymore."

So, I guess I'm haunted thinking that I ruined my chances by fighting with him and breaking with him for the 20th time.


Yes, VC is right that he cheated on me, got another woman pregnant and married her, thus sending me a clear message. In that context, I seems pretty stupid and pathetic for me to still be pining over him.

But I am. And I need to quench these feelings even if it means contacting him and getting no reply or getting hurt again.


I'll just have to make sure that I don't allow him to make this a 'booty call' since one thing I'm certain about is that he found sex with me rather mesmerizing and outstanding... and this was a man with choices on the side.

I know from his friends that he was dazzled by me. He always compared us to the Robin Givens-Eddie Murphy coupling in Boomerang .. because I was articulate, smart, strong and sexy while he was suave, striking, a ladies man who presumably was hooked by me. We both had lots of drama and strong presence.

I remember after everything went down feeling insulted by that comparison, because does that mean that this pregnant bitch was the Halle Berry who took him away. ?(which was as much a travesty in the film as in real life). So, for those having trouble understanding why I still like a men who had women on the side.. We were like that-- Robin and Eddie, OK? And I always thought I was his top chick.

But you know, I think he eventually used that to write me off as a physical obsession and thought she was a person of substance. You know, 'some girls you marry, some girls you fuck.' ( Do men really think like this? ) Which hurts because I'm a pretty intelligent, philosophical soul .. I mean we used to quote poetry together. What's up with that? As a young girl, I think I made a poor decision to sleep with him so reguarly, I think I didn't put enough effort into other aspects of our connection and later paid for that.

jerseykrs said

Fleshofmyflesh¤

said

I think I could be like that now...but when I was younger I didn't understand how to play the game -- not that love in a game. But damn, you have to strategize, especially if another woman wants your man.

I didn't strategize. I fell head over heels and denied him nothing. I was too easy for him on a good day (should have turned off or rationed the sex while building up other parts of the relationship.), and on a bad day I was a demon.

You know how some people can't be in a relationship without drama? Like they think the drama equals love. I was like that. I argued and challenged him all the time to get a rise or reaction from him (just like my mom did to my longsuffering dad). I alternated between that and crazy, passionate sex.


That's not how you work a relationship. But I had no mentors and I didn't know what I was doing. I wish I'd met him now instead of then.

Now, like you I understand that relationships have to be nurtured .

Young girls, take note!

SynthiaRose said:[quote]

MarieLouise said:

We'd make tremendous friends, wouldn't we ?

Fleshofmyflesh said:

It doesn't always work like that though.

JoeyMFinCoco said:

I can only speak from my experience.

Fleshofmyflesh said:

I'm just saying that if someone leaves you it doesn't necessarily mean you did something wrong.

JoeyMFinCoco said:

We would know.

I have to leave this thread, or I'm going to spend my whole day crying and turn to the bottle.

Nero said:

Both of you...come here.
Let me kiss all your pain away.

Nero said:

No! don't leave me !!! Let's get drunk together

(Actually, this thread is helping me become stronger. It's been cathartic to get all these feelings out!)

Fleshofmyflesh said:

No, not funny at all.. I just asked a question and you replied.

But you are in a minority there, so I would say you are very lucky..

I dont think, however you can CLAIM to never let them get away.. thats a bit unrealistic..

Hmm, no, I'm not in love with the person.

It still hurts me acutely when I think about it on occasion, but I think it's the reflection on the pain that was felt and not love for the person.

Personally, I think the person we miss most when we break up with someone is the person we were when we were with them. It's yourself you miss, that lighted up version of you. You miss yourself.
[Edited 7/3/05 8:20am]

SynthiaRose said:

I think time has romantisized what your relationship really was...the truth is, if today you two were to hook up...the fantasy of what was would most likely be far greater than the reality.

Hotlegs said:

I'll tell you what you need to do based on my own experience.

I had a child with this man who I had been with off and on for about six years. I was in my mid twenties, so this is ten years ago. I THOUGHT I was totally in love with him, and I acted like a fool believing his lies and being desperate. He left me alone as soon as he found I was pregnant. After our child was born, he was around, but then treated BOTH OF US like dirt. That is where I drew the line. I also had a good male friend at the time who was sincere, polite, and chivalrous, but I wasn't attracted to the nice guy. I liked (somehow?) the man's man, macho bullshit. I clearly didn't notice my friend's honorability.


Ten years later, I am with the friend that I didn't notice. I am so very much in love with him, and I know this sounds clique, but this time I can REALLY say it and mean it. He is everything I've always wanted in a man. The other man is NOTHING compared to him.

I could have wasted a good portion of my life being miserable. I chose not to, and I found what I was looking for where I didn't expect to. Patience is the key here, and I can only tell you this because I've been there. Just wait, and you'll find what you've been looking for.

pardonme4livin said:

I suspect you are right .. but I'd sure like to find out from an actual hook up

I DEFINITELY think I've romanticized him and forgetton all his faults. How I can lionize him is beyond me? My old diaries are full of criticisms about his behavior.

Number23 said

That's an intriguing theory.

But like Billy Crystal said in When Harry Met Sally, "I miss the whole Helen."

I'm a way better person now than I was when I was with my old flame. Although, when discussing him, boy do I dangerously regress....

and I do not want to go back there to the person I was ...

pardonme4livin said:

Exactly

gemini13 said

Ok, that would be me.




Gemini, this is totally me. This dark, brooding, quiet strong macho character. I loved it. He was so fucking commanding and dominant (especially in bed which is why it was soo good). And I felt it was a challenge to win his love.
I've missed opportunities with less dominant men. They bored me. I felt them wimpy.





Wow. Glad it turned out great for you.
[Edited 7/3/05 8:43am]

SynthiaRose said:

So what I'm saying is to consciously take a longer look at the nice guys. You may be surprised.

NOPE

yes

Number23 said:

You are right, I think. I've thought about that ever since you first told me that theory, ages ago.

Nero said:

Sometimes I think I'm now too much of a post-post-modern ironic hipster to take another relationship seriously as more than a conglomerate of cells bouncing arond in an artifical multiverse projected from the unknown whim of an untouchable, invisible dreamer. I just want to become one with the truth now. I'm done.
[Edited 7/3/05 11:53am]

Number23 said:

Then, Number23, perhaps you would like the Sharon Olds poem, "Sex Without Love."

Most people think Olds is condemning or even praising those who have sex without love, but really she's just using them as a example of how some might evolve to the higher state where they no longer fool themselves about concepts like togetherness and becoming one.


She's suggesting that though it may seem cruel and crude, once you're born and separate from your mom's body, you never really are one with anyone else. Life is about you and excelling and evolving to your best, which sometimes might involve using "factors" like other people to do that.

Hence, her last line: .."the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe against its own best time."

To a degree I believe this ... but I consciously indulge the faith that two can almost become one ...


Anyway, Here's the poem:

Poet Sharon

Olds says:

The night is bitter,
The stars have lost their glitter;
The winds grow colder
And suddenly you're older -
And all because of the man/girl that got away.

No more his/her eager call,
The writing's on the wall;
The dreams you dreamed have all
Gone astray.

The man/girl that won you
Has gone off and undone you.
That great beginning
Has seen the final inning.
Don't know what happened. It's all a crazy game!

No more that all-time thrill,
For you've been through the mill -
And never a new love will
Be the same.

Good riddance, good-bye!
Ev'ry trick of his/hers you're on to.
But, fools will be fools -
And where's he/she gone to?

The road gets rougher,
It's lonelier and tougher.
With hope you burn up -
Tomorrow he/she may turn up.
There's just no letup the live-long night and day!

Ever since this world began
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man/woman woman/man looking for
The man/girl that got away...
The man/girl that got away.