I am.

I can't get this man out of my mind lately. And it's been 12 years.

In college we had incredible alchemy -- the kind that makes you love hard and fight hard. So, it was kind of rocky, but intense.

He was the best sex I ever had -- not because of the physical, but because there was so many layers to our attraction. I always felt like I wanted to crawl through my skin to touch his soul. I loved him soo much.

Anyway, during one of our down moments and after we'd talked superficially about marriage, he married someone else.

When I found out, I totally embarassed myself like Julia Roberts in Best Friend's Wedding and tried to get him back. Yes I did say "Don't marry her, marry me. Marry me."


But he got married to that bitch anyway.
It broke my heart. I was humiliated. And he took all our friends.

For days, weeks even I would be in the midst of some regular conversation or activity and just burst out in tears.

I thought I could literally die of my broken heart.

I later found out he married her because she was pregnant. (Yeah, he was a player )They are divorced now and have been for several years. Yea!

I looked him up on Zabasearch and am thinking about calling him or sending him a letter.

No matter who else I meet, they can't compare to him.

I just feel like he's the one, that he's my soul mate. Sometimes I hate it when other men touch me, cause I feel I still belong to him. He was such a force of nature!

And I will forever regret that I was not mature enough to handle our intensity better and forgo all the fighting and breaking up that torn us asunder.

I don't know if he's with anyone though.

And if he felt the same way, wouldn't he have contacted me or Googled me? I mean, I'm pretty easy to find on Google.

So, I could be just humiliating myself by trying to contact him.

I mean if he left me once, who's to say he feels I'm his one and only who got away?

I don't know what to do? IN THE NAME OF IRREPLACEABLE, UNBREAKABLE LOVE, should I contact him or not?

I don't want to leave this earth or have him leave without knowing for sure if we were made for one another.

Has anyone rekindled with a lost love? Was it a wreck or a dream?
.
[Edited 7/2/05 17:59pm]

The dude cheated on you, got another chick pregnant, and married her. I'd say his feelings were pretty clear.

Follow your heart sweetie.

VoicesCarry said:

Ouch! LOL. Must you boil down my heartbreak to the brutal realities.

We were on a break for Christ's sake :in my best Ross impression:.


Love is complex. There are good times and bad. What about OUR marriage talk and his declarations of love ... and the sex.

Damn love. I'm so emotional and nostalgic these days, I'm probably sugarcoating the memories. Love makes an otherwise smart, strong woman do the stupidest, most humilitating things. "The Trouble with love is ... it's stronger than your pride..." (lyrics from Clarkson's "Trouble with Love" song).

On paper, the history looks like he was an ass, but we had good times together. I slept once with someone else during a falling out too. We were 20 and so young, wild, and unstable. But we had hot chemistry and to me that means the Universe wanted us to be together. The Universe doesn't waste attraction for nothing

Geesh, let me go get my "What's Love Got to Do With It" CD, because there are times when reason must triumph over emotion.

I wouldn't behave like this with any other man. I've walked away from several relationships because I refused to take bullshit .. BUT HE'S THE ONE!!

I think since I'm now in my 30's that i'm just panicking because I can't match the intensity of that old love ... Maybe I should just quietly accept that.

No.
Because he changed, and he wasn't who he used to be...which is inevitable right?

I stopped loving him...i still missed him..but i stopped loving him.

Things are different in my life now, and i'm glad they are...

Samaar said:

Thank you, Samaar. My head is so clouded with gooey feelings that I don't trust myself to act sanely.

Why does love freeze your brain!!!

SammiJ said:

Wow. I can't believe you stopped loving him.
I feel like I will always love this guy until I die.

I'm jealous.

I never look back on what could have been in a relationship. However, if the sex was bangin, I may have a "Booty Flashback" and reflect on the wonderful fuck and that's about it.

Hotlegs said:

He was the best. He made me eschew casual sex. I used to be very nymphy and exploratory. After him, I had to be in love to have sex.

I mean I tried to go back to the old ways, but I just wasn't into it. It was just in and out, ya know?

Did I just say eschew?

SynthiaRose said:

Heartbreak is a brutal reality. That's the bottom line. The guy sounds like he was very smooth, but a complete asshole. I know you loved him, but....

SynthiaRose said:

Only if you let it. You can be sensible about a relationship, too. Maybe it will just take a really good relationship with a guy who actually appreciates and respects you for you to stop thinking about this guy. I don't know. I do know that contacting him is asking for trouble, though.

SynthiaRose said:

Well, it sounds like he was an ass from what you've told us. Not only did he fuck around, he betrayed you on a whole other level. And yeah, The Universe has smartly designed it so that many young, wild, unstable twentysomethings fall into infatuation.

SynthiaRose said:

Don't accept it - maybe you just haven't found it yet.

VoicesCarry said:

Wow! That's great advice. You should be a therapist.

I actually don't think I could contact him and respect myself ....

unless it went really well and he said "xxx, I really did love you. I didn't want to marry her, but her father made me. The sex with her meant nothing to me. I hated the bitch."


But what are the odds?

SynthiaRose said:

Hey, I feel what your saying. As for myself, I'm also not into a 1 Night Deal myself. However, if I have a past monagamous relationship that ended, I tend to forget about it and never look back unless it had something of signifigance or substance about it such as good sex.
[Edited 7/2/05 20:19pm]

SynthiaRose said:

don't be jealous
i admitt, it's nice 2 think back on the good memories and love that person that was sharing it with u...but after 4 years, that person is so different...and so distant...we stopped speaking the day after it was over...and since then, changed...i didnt love that person anymore...

ok, lemme put it this way...i still love him in the sense that if i heard he died 2morrow, i'd cry 4 him, and prolly attend the funeral...but im no longer, nor will i ever be, IN love with him...i think there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone...

i'm experiencing both right now with someone...and that's what's so terrible and so great about love...when u lose it, it hurts..BAD...u never want to love again..but then it sneaks up on u...and once you're in it...it makes that long painful wait worth it...

all the tears i've cried and everything i've been through alone has been MORE than worth it now that i'm experiencing all the butterflies and stuff again...

that's another thing thats so great about love...it ALWAYS feels like the first time...

i'm in love and loving someone new, and i'm also loving every part of it...


so when i say NO i don't love that person that got away...i really meant 2 say im no longer in love with that person...i still love them but im not in love with them (and i love them in a very minor sense as well...dont wanna get in trouble with my man LOL)....sorry for the confusion...

SynthiaRose said:

Girlfriend, I'm where you are agewise and I will say that the intensity of love is still there. It will come in due time when you're ready and when you least expected.

I sure hope so.

I so feel for you on this.
Your heart can't forget him but your head is trying to tell you something.

Follow your heart by all means, but take your head with you.

Listen to your instincts.

Reincarnate said:

Exactly.

I still love my first love and that was 22 years ago!!

I saw him once or twice after that, but haven't seen him for 20 years now. I want to meet him again and I wil probably faint
Maybe meeting him would help me stop loving him because he probably is changed a lot in all these years!

My God, I still love him so much! And it still hurts

SynthiaRose said:

Would that be enough for you? I think this explanation/excuse sounds just as silly. Whining: "her father made me". If the universe is helping you both, how can you be distracted by another girl's father???

I don't know, but it sounds pretty bad. Why would he dissapear for more than ten years when he's still in love with you? He's divorced now, and could do whatever he wanted to do, or at least give it a try.

Maybe you can try to talk with him, but not by focusing on his love for you now, but to try to clear out some things from the past. Maybe your starting-point has to be it was meant to NOT work out for a reason. Otherwise you'll be stuck in these feelings forever, still wandering in some kind of wasteland when your sixty...
[Edited 7/3/05 3:25am]

Actually, I'm quite glad that she got away.


But, that's just how I feel this month, who knows what my answer will be at another time.

Am I still in love with her? No, do I still love her?

That you all for the hugs and kisses.

When I love someone, I don't let them get away.

HowComeYouDontCallme said:

A kindred spirit!

But you know, I heard this quote on T.V. a few months back...

A character said :"The intensity of your first true love -- that only comes once in a lifetime. I can't tell you how many relationships I've ruined over the years because they didn't measure up.."

I'm so trying to find some wisdom in that ... but right now it's just rhetoric.

Fleshofmyflesh said:

That must be extraordinarily hard.

I've loved NCR with all I have. We're still friends. Loosely, right now. It's hard for me to see him have been this certain guy, and now going around saying shit like, "I could get a lot of play if I wanted to."

PLAY. God damn. But I still care about him and all the things that go on in his life of significance, and his kids. I don't suppose that'll change. I worry about him when he's sick, and I've tried to comfort him through his familial problems this year.

Nero said:

You have to know which ones to keep and which ones to throw away.
I'm good at seeing people's worth.
And if I see something in someone that trips a certain chord with me, letting me know they are bad, I dispose of them. At least from my life they are disposed.

JoeyMFinCoco said:

Fleshofmyflesh said:

Sometimes, just because you don't want to discard, doesn't mean you won't be discarded. Which is unfortunate. NCR and I get along famously. Though I guess I wasn't discarded. Just dumped, and broken into pieces.

Oh well.