What do you all think of this?

Last week it was the funeral of my grandmother. After this my boyfriend came up with the idea to invite my father, his brother and sister (my aunt and uncle) for dinner in our apartment. I really liked the idea, because I did notice my boyfriend had had a few nice chats with my uncle and aunt.

The problem is that my father has a girlfriend. I don't like her, my boyfriend really can not stand her. Anytime I see my father she's with him, and this makes communication rather hard, since she always wants to be involved in everything.

For this reason, and because our appartment is rather small, we decided to only invite my aunt, uncle and father, without their husband, wife, and girlfriend. I sent my father a mail to tell this and he just called me, completely upset saying 'I'm going nowhere without Ingrid' (his girlfriend).

I'm confused, not sure who's overreacting right now...

What do you think?

i think he made himself clear

did you make yourself clear in your request of desiring alone time with him in positive ways ?

if so... you could try to explain your desires once again

then again

he may have already made his desires clear too

It's a family gathering- you can't leave out the husband, wife, or girlfriend. But to me it sounds like you left off the girlfriend because you don't like her and used the "my appartment is too small" as an excuse to exculde her. Make room for everyone- it's the right thing to do.

Get over it is my advice. I live with my dad and his girlfriend, and I can't stand her. What you must do is learn to respect that even though YOU don't like her, your father apparently does, so you can hope that even though you're not seeing it, there has to be something redeeming about her. And, if she makes your father happy, that's all that's important really, isn't it? Lay your personal feelings aside and have dinner with them.

Nero said:

That's good advice.

Lleena said:

i agree. especially if your grandmother who just died was your father's mother. this is not a time to be divisive, it might even serve as a way for you and your father's girlfriend to find some common ground.

Mach said:

The thing is, I really get along with my family, and if I'm together with my uncle, aunt of father, I can have pure, real converations with them. Whenever their other half are with them, communication is taken to another level; the superficial level joking, critcizing etc.

I don't really care if they would come as well, but I really feel the situation would be a bit more sincere if there were only the five of us.

I don't think my aunt and uncle would make an issue out of it, but my father does. He left my mum only two years ago. I don't have problems seeing his girlfriend, but I feel like I could never really talk to her. She acts so immature being 52 years old, and whenever she's around us, the atmosphere is just not the same.

My father knows this, but he didn't really want to know my reasons for this proposal, 'cause he's the kind of man who will hide for any deeper conversation, in which you have to emotionally expose yourself. He has always been like that, but it has become worse, not letting me talk to him alone.

On the other hand I do understand his stand, I wouldn't leave my boy at home like that, but still to me this situation is different, as we're talking about father and daughter.

I'm really confused.

I don't know the reasons why you can't stand her but often in these situations there can be no real reason, apart from jealousy and an in-built barrier to new people coming into your parents life. Just be careful this isn't the reason - life's too short.

Nero is spot on If she makes your Father happy, that's all that matters and you should try to be pleased for him, whatever the reasons you don't like her.

With families, there are always occasions where compromise is needed.

CynthiasSocks said:

We never had more than three people over here to eat, because we really can't, unless we would have to eat on the floor.

Of course, you can always go to a restaurant, but that was just not the idea we had in mind.

There are always tensions, and in many of them I'm not even involved. Next to the girlfriend of my father-issue, I really feel the need to get to know my aunt and uncle a bit better, and I would just like to invite the three of them one time. This doesn't have to be a routine, I don't want to leave out anyone, but this has never been done before and I would really enjoy it for once...

MarieLouise said:

then ask you dad sometime to go out with just YOU... leave your man home too

and if you have been honest in your words to him about what you desie and how you feel

the thats ALL you can do ... if he chooses to always have his woman at his side then you will need to learn to accept that and go from there

to me it's very odd that a parent would not want one on one time with their child ( even adult children ) only because my family spends alot of one on one time with each other and always has ... other familys always have to have partners and the such

good luck with it all hun ...looks like you may need to be more of the grown up and accept the fact that your dad doesnt want/ feel the desire to spend one on one time with his daughter for whatever reason

Lleena said:

I do have dinner with the two of them, my sis and her daughter and son once in a while, in fact every month or so. She's really not my kind of person, but I do accept her, and won't be bitching unless she's doing that to me.

I didn't want to be the proposal focused on this 'leaving out', but more on the 'being together'. Sadly, the situation is too precious for anyone to analyze correctly, me included, I'm afraid. So it won't happen. I'll see them all in a restaurant soon, but we won't be able to cook for the three of them.

Mach said:

I do see him alone, but not very often, and I always have to ask for it explicitly...
[Edited 6/27/05 7:13am]

mary how about you just ask him to join you another time one on one. father and daughter?

I think he senses people's attitude about Ingrid, and that is the stand he is taking. Over reaction and all. "Ingrid shall not be NOT invited" is his stance regardless of the situation.

I think you need to simply explain that this is an intimate gathering for "family only" and indicate that spouses and girlfriends are not included due to the intent and small space. If he insists that Ingrid is "family" and should be regarded as such, then perhaps he should take the invitation and have it at his house (though he should invite spouses as well...but you may expect a turn of events and it will still be "family only" and your BF won't be invited. Tit for tat.

Now if you are only not inviting spouses because you don't want Ingrid there..then I say you are in a situation, indeed. Another solution is to be inclusive of all spouses and girlfriends and do a dinner someplace else, like a nice resturant or maybe your aunt or uncles. OR just have over the aunt and unlce...no dad..and have Dad and Ingrid over at a different time.

BTW, I think you are going to have many situations like this with Ingrid unless you get past what bothers you about her. Remember she is part of your Dad's life whether you like it or not. And you may be dealing with her on completely other levels if they continue to see each other. Would it hurt to reach out to her on a personal level and make her feel welcome and part of the family that she may become anyway?

MarieLouise said:

52 and dating has GOT to be hard. Not sure I'd know how to act...Hip and stupid or Mature and stuffy. Or some wierd combo of both.

Or an even better Idea...Have 3 seperate dinners and invite the spouse or GF with each. That way you can get to know them better one on one...and there is still room for rolls on the table.

GOOD LUCK!!!

I wish, one day later, I could say everything was claered out, but it hasn't.

My father called me, nagging about our so-called 'disgust' of Ingrid. I made clear that I really don't hate her, I don't like her that much, but this hasn't that much to do with the invitation. After all, I just wanted to invite three people.

After that I was completely stressed out and my boyfriend called my father. they both said the most horrible things and my father has hung up. Now my father is sending me mails about how immature my boyfriend is and my boyfriend is telling me how horrible my dad is as a father.

I then called Ingrid and tried to explain the situation to her. This was by far the best chat. Of course she didn't know nothing and probably wouldn't if I hadn't called her. My father has decided to tell her nothing at all and still hasn't.

The main problem is that my father has been calling me for over two years, crying over my mum. But whenever Ingrid appears, these situations are kept secret and I must accepts her as a half-mother who decided what house I have to live in etc. I'm 23 and pretty sick of it. Not of her, but of the whole creepy situation, my parents being totally wrecks that never communicate and me having to be the strong one in every sitatuation. I'm going to a psychologist since 6 months, because I've been going down over this, and my father still thinks that's a stupid thing to do, but keeps calling me and hiding things for his gf.

If he were in truly in love with this lady, I would accept it and be truly happy for him. Fact is that he's a weak man who needs a lady to cook dinner for him and not asking him too much about his feelings. He says he feels fine but suffers from insomnia ever since.

I'm very mad. Sorry if this appears to be as confusing as it is for me.