Today...

My day consists of working/relating/creating... with children in the hospital. The Pediactric unit holds 36 beds, then there is the PICU (intensive care unit) and Hematology/Oncology unit where the children living/battling cancer stay. Three different units... and everyday I travel these units seeking/inviting children who are able to get out of bed and out to the playroom to do art, activities, listen to music, play games... (it is endless what we can do, if they can... and we do).

Working/relating with children has been a big part of my life, 14 years. Although these past five years, almost six, I have realized my intense passion to work and relate with cancer patients. I worked in Nutrition for five years before this current position within the hospital and gained my first direct experience with souls living/battling and passing... due to cancer. Many of you have read my personal experiences with several patients in the adult unit I had grown to know and love... like family. My passion/professional focus is undescribable.

Now, I am working with children in the medical field. I miss the older population very much (even if it has only been a couple of months), I try to visit the upper levels as much as possible. Getting my morning coffee on/in the Oncology unit gives me reason to see many I had grown so close with, I end up talking for a good 30 minutes before I start my day. Nurses, doctors and all the medical profession I would see endlessly everyday, I still get to see from time-to-time. I see oncology patients walking the halls... and a warm hug is always welcomed. I miss them all. I still get news about dear patients, which I just received last week. She had passed. I am still thinking about it now.

...

~deep sigh~

I see/feel the same connections taking place... only they are young... infants, toddlers, school aged children.

There are some hard situations to encounter in the Pediactric unit... child abuse, shaking baby syndrome, drowners... and all else you can think of.

Yet, still... I have this intense passion/focus when relating with the cancer patients.

Just today, a 9 year old Leukemia patient (girl)... I have known for a couple months now, spent many hours in the playroom participating in the activities. Everytime she is admitted... she wants to stay with us in the playroom... her creativeness is endless. If she is unable to leave her room due to Neutropenic Precautions, I go to her and do activities with her at bedside.

We used watercolors today on large pieces of paper and she began constructing her dream house, you should of seen the detail and careful thought she was putting into it all. Focus like you would not believe. (Silently, I began to think...)

I began to wonder... how long will she live? I mean, that can be a general question for us all... for we truly all begin to die in a physical sense the moment we are conceived.

Will she live long enough to even live... in her "dream home"? Again, this question can be a very general question... yet in reality it is a question we all do face everyday. The difference is... we are not aware of this reality quite like a cancer patient who literally knows/feels/lives with cancer, a disease known to have no real cure, only hopes of remission.

...

About the Picture

So, when this 9 year old little girl (living/battling Leukemia) eagerly showed me this picture, I was overwhelmingly astounded. I am one who truly appreciates all forms of art... I get emotional when I see a beautiful picture created by a little soul and they tell me about their meaning of creation. I truly get teary-eyed with joy... and I comment on it... the color use, the thought within it... the creative thinking they put into it... I go on and on... then I get like 10 more in less than a minute. ~Smile. Although today... I was truly astounded (filled with confused wonder), immediately. She then went into telling me... how she began to draw at 9:00 p.m., last night... and kept going until completion at 2:00 a.m. this morning, five hours worth of release... through this drawing. I mean, look at the tedious circles... the details... the pain, the suffering... and even the beauty. She had this cross (two inches in length) on her table, which she used to guide her drawing... although the circles were done completely upon her own self.

What was she feeling? What was she thinking? After completion and a form of emotional/personal outlet... did it help her fall asleep? Did she find that moment of peace, long enough to be at ease? Did she? Only she truly knows inside.

just amazing ... an amazing little gurl

for you...the amazing woman who has shared the work here with us

that drawing is beautiful.

Can't wait to see you! Very soon now friend!

The moment... what about the moment.

The moment when this 9 year old is sitting or laying in bed... (thoughts, feelings, fears inside)... I am just imagining, but she sees a piece of paper, a piece of paper that has written words on one side. She lays there with emotions, unable to sleep... just an overwhelming sense inside. She see the cross... what is she thinking, what is she feeling? The cross had no circles on it... why did she choose circles? I mean, when you see this picture... do you look within it... within the moment, as a beautiful 9 year old little girl (mature beyond her years) is thinking... and then she picks up a pencil and begins to draw?

She could not sleep... and sat there drawing, releasing... for five hours before covering, consuming the cross with details and endless circles. Circles... was she thinking of the cancer within her... circular cancer cells within? Was she thinking of death, sacrifice, pain or suffering?

These children are brave beyond comprehension.

There are many I have met and now I am seeing their journey unfold before my eyes.

A comment from another Leukemia patient (6 years old)... shared with me by the Child Life Specialist in Oncology.

She said, "I know why I got cancer again... it is so I can teach people about cancer."

Another comment shared...

"Debbie (as she spoke to the Child Life Specialist), my white blood count is at zero... but that is o.k., because... there is only one way to go... and that is up!"

I mean... come on...

and we complain about what...!?

...

Where is 'ones' comprehension... here or elsewhere?

Wow. That's amazing.

Just as I imagined.

Much is to be learned from these children, and any child for that matter.

Freespirit said:

Julie I truly feel compelled to reply.... the depth of detail and her drive to complete it .... I believe she is at peace inside....

Religion is such a personal thing, but Christians who know of the story of Jesus and his plight on the cross would find comfort in her drawing. I believe she knows and believes this to be true as well. Perhaps in her journey through/with cancer she finds solace in the mere fact in correlating the story of what Jesus endured as the Bible depicts and records..... perhaps it brings comfort .... I think her picture speaks to the fact that it does.

The circles.... funny how something with no ending is reiterated..... continuation seems to be metamorphically symbolized through her eyes.... perhaps paralleling her continuation through the process..... her endless endurance...and strengh to continue.....

That's what I see through her eyes..... but granted.... only she knows.....


Hmmm.....the endlessness of a circle..... perhaps julie, you could make her next creative venture a symbolic one...I suggest crystal beads (circular in shape of course) that the two of you can string together to make a bracelet on the lil elastic jewel cord .... I propose you make two ...one for her as a symbol of strength to see her through each day and an exact replica for you to wear in support of her and as a symbol of your belief in her once she is in remission .... perhaps the two of you can pass them along to another child beginning his/her journey and to a parent.

it's beautiful the sunshine you provide on a daily basis .....
Gina


my
[Edited 6/8/05 18:46pm]

Your job is incredible.

Thanks for those beautiful fragments of life you told us. The picture is amazingly deep for a nine years old, but in this case, there's really nothing like 'age'

toffee said:

what a beautiful idea ...the circle art


all things ...full circle

you're a beautiful soul FreeSpirit!
God Bless these little children!