madartista said:

Hour 7...this is taking longer than I thought. Cow had what can only be called a violent asthma attack a little while ago but she seems to be better now. A camera crew has started to follow us...I'm not sure why. Can't a man and his cow walk several miles together anymore without attracting attention? I may stop for the night pretty soon. It's raining pretty hard but If I position myself right under her udder I should stay mostly dry. You know I really could've had Fed Exed Cow but I think I'll learn something from my journey across America. One man, one cow, one mission.

GottaLetitgo said:

Yeah, that's great. I'd prefer if you stayed on top of her when it rains, as water isn't good for my leather. Oh, and the camera crew was hired by my attorney to assure this is all done in a timely manner. Be careful, as they are armed. Thanks a ton and keep truckin'.

madartista said:

We started at 6:00 this morning. Actually we didn't get moving until 7:00 because I had to perform CPR on Cow for a little while to get her going. She was only "technically" dead for a few minutes. One of your henchmen/cameramen had some jumper cables and...long story short Cow is a little bit out of sorts but she's running again. We should be at the state line sometime today. I kind of wish I would have brought my money or my ATM card because I'm getting kinda hungry. Grass is good enough for Cow but I'm not that hungry...yet.

GottaLetitgo said:

I'm talking to Lawyer now. Maybe you should hold off on further walking while we confer. Lawyer says it safe to eat the beef of a revived cow, but I'm skeptical. No point in you walking all this way then finding out you haven't repaid your debt to me. You carrying anything else that may be of value to me?

madartista said:

It is essentially re-fried beef so I think it should be fine. We have crossed into Georgia and a huge number of people are following us now, some cheering us on and throwing some produce at us. I have developed what is either a slight cold or first stage pneumonia after walking through rainy weather for over 30 hours. I am trying to get cow to you as quickly as possible so I am foregoing sleep. I slept walked last night and dreamed of a sequel to Graffiti Bridge where The Kid (Prince) marries the feather formerly known as Aura before realizing that they are just too different. I made a grass taco last night about 3am and it was delicious, tasting indeed like chicken.

I have only the shirt on my back and a couple of lucky Spanish gold dubloons I carry with me for good luck. I'm sure you would not be interested in those.

GottaLetitgo said:

It's a heartwarming story, and I've figured it all out. You're going to give me the rights to this story. I'm gonna make a movie about it, and therein recoup my loss, and then some. Kind of a "Forrest Gump" thing, ya know? Unfortunately, for dramatic purposes, I'll have to ensure that trajedies continue to befall you on the journey, to make the story real syruppy and a "triumph of the spirit"! Don't take it personally, ya know? Oh, and I'll talk to Prince about that GB idea -- that's already 4 times the amount of plot in the original -- you may be on to something! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!

madartista said:

I'm now riding Cow instead of walking because the blisters on my feet are the size of mini-muffins. I am hungry, exhausted, and delusional. Apparently I made out with a tree for several minutes last night but I have no knowledge (the film crew apparently has some great footage of it, though). I have lost about 30 pounds in water weight and Cow, while still very serviceable, has turned a bizarre shade of green. Some of my gold dubloons last night were stolen by a marauding band of Hell's Angel but I managed to hide one in a very secure place (note to self; please tell madartista that if he insists on butchering the cow not to make rump roast). We're still headed your way though.

As far as a movie idea, you are welcome to it but I don't think it's marketable. It is just your run-of-the-mill "Man walks with cow cross country to repay a debt and is plagued with heat exhaustion, starvation, obtrusive blisters, and tree molestation" tales. Maybe Fox will buy it.

GottaLetitgo said:

It'd be great for the movie to get you as close to death as possible. I'll see what the crew can do. I'm already working out a distribution deal, so no worries about marketability. We'll use the real footage in the "making of" for the DVD. Colin Ferrell is very interested in the lead, and Madonna is considering the cow role. Keep on truckin'!!!!!

GottaLetitgo said:

I try.

Day 3

I'm halfway across Georgia. Beaten, bruised, morally destitute I walk with, or ride on, Cow (who I am now calling Greencow before laughing maniacally) toward destinations unknown. I have become quite reflective on my journey. Why is there war? Why do some have a lot and most have a little? What do people have to suffer? And why does that tree I allegedly had relations with 100 miles back keep calling my cell phone. I think about how shallow I am, how it is so important for people to like me that I sometimes sell out who I am. Who am I? Am I who I am supposed to be? Will it all come out in the wash in time? Will I find the ladder? Is it just around the corner?

And then, as I was walking a little while ago and pondering all of this out loud, my voice somehow rising above the howling winds and cracking thunder, Cow, emaciated and weak herself, stopped walking. She looked at me with her big Cow eyes and, as God as my witness, she opened her Cow mouth and spoke.

"Gotta," she said, in a voice that was a little bit gruffer than I expected.

"Yes, Cow," I said hypnotically.

"I have listened to you ramble for miles and miles and I have held my tongue but I have got to say something here."

"What Cow? What wisdom do you have to impart, oh oracle of leather," I said enraptured.

"The secret of life is this: you are a enormous tool. Now shut the fuck up," Cow said. And with that, she went silent.

And I was left to ponder the wisdom that she had imparted as I continued my journey westward into the abyss.

no one liked my running down the beach arm in arm nekkid idea ?

Its beautiful, just beautiful!!! Hollywood could not have written this story any better. Keep going, keep going! That cow or you CANNOT die until you make it here. Everybody is watching! You'll get a quarter point of the back-end deal, and maybe Cow will, too -- so it's in your best interest to not let that cow die. Do whatever it takes. And the same to you, too.

madartista said:

Colin Ferrell is Gotius “Gotta” Letitgo, a sadsack rebel with a nice family, big dreams, and a cow named Cow. Sent on a mission to exchange Cow for a debt owed, Gotta suffers through one trial of the soul after another. Through storms, hunger, pain, and emotional trauma, Gotta and Cow keep walking, a true triumph of the human spirit.


It started as a simple payment of a debt…it turned into a journey of a lifetime…with a cow.


Starring:


as Gotta


as Cow



as Mrs. GottaLetitgo




as Madartista


as Tree, who Gotta has delusional relations with

We're gonna be a Summer 2006 Blockbuster!!! Hell, I'm thinking Academy Awards.

EXCELLENT CASTING!!!

I may change my first name to Gotius!

madartista said:

A quarter point! Woo hoo! With that kind of money, I can buy one of those new "sea cows" I've been hearing about.




Look at that sumbitch swimming his ass off

I have been informed that the above photo of the cow and the dolphin swimming together is a doctored photo. Apparently all cows are still land-based and in my delusional state I created a hybrid breed of cows that live under the sea. Apparently such a thing is impossible and completely impractical, as it would be very hard to milk the cows under water. I apologize for anyone I may have misled but give me a freaking break...I have been walking 300 miles with a cow.

maybe Cow can be trained to do that!

Okay, madartista, my understanding is that all of the first choices for actors for our movie version of my journey with Cow (now being called "Tougher than Leather" from what I understand) have turned down the project. Part of it was because the movie has no budget but it was mostly because of the fact that it was about a guy walking with a cow across country. Apparently no movie featuring cows has ever done very well at the box office. So apparently negotiations are being done with other actors.

Here is what it looks like now:

as Gotta


as Cow


as Mrs. GottaLetitgo


as Madartista

as Tree

DUDE!!! You need to back off and let my people handle this. We were so close to nabbing Colin, then he got wind of Paula as the co-star and backed out. ONE STAR at a time. I'm having a secret love affair with him -- so I may be able to remedy tis. And Cow's agent is out of control. Can you reign her in as well. I'm not be happy if I end up with a dead Cow and a B-movie. WE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!

madartista said:

Okay, now there are several Hollywood types swarming around along Cow and I. Apparently, they caught wind that the production had broken down and are trying to resuscitate the project. The Weinsteins see Gwyneth Paltrow in a dual role as Cow and Mrs. GottaLetitgo. Hilary Swank says she is open to playing any of the 5 parts in the movie. Ron Howard is telling me that Russell Crowe is dying to play me but he doesn't think I am fucked up enough. (Cow spoke up here, to everyone's amazement, and assured everyone I was plenty fucked-up before falling silent again). Adam Sandler wants to me it a comedy with Drew Barrymore as the love interest and Rob Schneider as the wisecracking Cow. And the Farrelly brothers see it as a love story between Ben Stller as me and an actual cow as Cow. They all sound like great offers. Help me madartista!

GottaLetitgo said:

GottaLetitgo said:

PERFECT. This is exactly what we wanted. We'll "take meetings" with everyone who is interested, but make firm offers to NO ONE. We gotta drag it out long enough to make it enticing, but not too long that they get bored. That damn Cow has got to keep her mouth shut! Don't let any Hollywood handlers get her alone, because they'll schmooze her, get her to sell her rights, you and I get thrown out of the deal, and the Heifer gets rich. WE CANNOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. This is the break I've been waiting for. I, I mean we, are going to take over Hollywood. Do whatever it takes to keep the Cow quiet. Do not let her alone.

madartista said:

Okay, madartista, the new deal is too good to be true. I am almost ready to sign my life...uh, I mean my name on the dotted life. An unexpected bidder came riding up on his motorcycle yesterday and made a great offer. I think we should go with it. Cow wasn't impressed but, who cares, this story is all about me anyway. She is just a secondary character. The bidder was talking about bringing in some BIG stars.

So how about it...




as Gotta



as Mrs. GottaLetitgo



as Cow
(Mr. Cruise says he will ask her to gain 800 pounds for the film)



as Madartista



as Tree
(Because Mr. Cruise just cannot get enough of Katie, he insists she play both his wife and a tree he has an intimate but brief relationship, with)

ixnay on the 2 times atieKay! She's perfect for Tree, but hell nah on the Mrs.

madartista said:

Okay. I saw Katie on Letterman last night. I like her now. But we can't have her and Tom together. Can we say, Gigli? Proof of Life? Hell, this shit goes all the way back to Cleopatra! So I say we sign up Katie, dump Tom, and go back after Colin Ferrell, My Secret Lover.

I hope Tom didn't use The Eyes on you. Then you already signed and we're fucked. "The Journey of the Cow" is going to turn into, "Scientology Saved Me and the Cow, which isn't Gay."

madartista said:

Working with Mr. Cruise on the script now. Halfway through Alabama, starving, emaciated, wishing for the sweet release of death, I'm starting to believe a lot of what Mr. Cruise has to say. He tells me that I won't need any pain medication when this whole journey is over. It's just like post-partum depression, it's mind over matter. I just have to believe that the pus-oozing blisters on my feet are not there and they will be gone. It makes a lot of sense. If only Brooke Shields would open her mind. And his love for Ms. Holmes, it is so real. People who doubt Mr. Cruise just don't understand him.

I haven't signed yet but only because I can no longer physically grasp a pen and, with the hopefully temporary loss of my motor functions, I am no longer able to sign my name. But when I am able to function like a person again, I will vow all allegiance to Mr. Cruise.

GottaLetitgo said:

I figured it out. You're the reason for Katie. Tom is in love with YOU!!! He's been following you for weeks, charming you, and luring you in. You fell for it!

I'm quite concerned this could ruin the whole deal. BTW, is Cow still alive? I'm sure Tom is taking care of you. Be careful!

madartista said:

Just woke up in a hospital, somewhere in Alabama, I think. It seems ironic that my journey ends the same place where Forrest Gump's began. Apparently I passed out in a heap of manflesh a few days ago and I just regained consciousness within the last few hours. Mr. Cruise, that bastard, is nowhere to be found. I remember vaguely some disagreement about whether L.Ron Hubbard was a total cornflake or the greatest man in the history of the world entire (I forgot what side of the argument I was on) and then Tom left in a huff. I understand he popped the question to Ms. Holmes while in Paris. Good luck to the both of them I hope their 2 1/2 years together is a wonderful journey.

The trip is over, madartista. I am a shell of a man, which is pretty sad because I started out a shell of a man so now I'm a shell of a shell of a man. The rehabilitation just to get me functioning mediocrely will take several months. Negotiations since Tom left have slowed but I understand Adam Sandler called yesterday and would like to option it. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to star but rather have Rob Schneider play me, which is alright I guess. I didn't really want Gotta Letitgo, Cow Giggilo but hey money is money right.

Speaking of Cow, I am a bit concerned. I just asked the nurse a few minutes ago if Cow was alright and she looked at me all funny.

"What are you talking about, " she asked puzzled.

"Cow. I thought maybe y'all would have sent her to the vet or something," I said.

"There wasn't any cow. When we found you, you were alone."

The nurse left and now I sit digesting the news (and the liquid pot roast they just gave me). Cow is gone. Oh dear Lord, what will become of her? More important,what will become of the world with this heiferbitch on the loose? She knows so much about me, my hopes, my dreams, my twisted desires. How will she use them against me? How will she get her revenge...

While I ponder these questions, I realize "Judge Judy" is on so this is where I will leave this great journey. Madartista I will pay you back somehow. Until then, everyone I implore you...beware of Cow!