A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" It was a long fight but in the end the Captain and his crew were victorious.

The next day three pirate ships appeared. Once again the captain cried out, "Bring me my red shirt!" and once again the captain and his men defeated the pirates.

That evening everyone was sitting around, resting, and taking care of their wounds, when an ensign asked the captain why he always put on his red shirt before battle. The Captain calmly replied, "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded, no one will see the blood. That way everyone will continue to fight on unafraid." All the men were moved by this great display of courage.

Well, the next day, TEN pirate ships were spotted on the horizon. The men turned to their captain and waited for him to give his usual command. Calm as ever, the Captain cried out, "Bring me my brown pants!"

This the only one that I know:

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

Answer: NOTHING!! They were both stuck up cunts!

An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".

The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

This thread.

This thread who?

This thread who you all are killing!

I liked the jokes

2the9s said:

Why didn't 2the9s cross the road?

Because his ass was so big, he was already on the other side of the road.




[Edited 5/31/05 5:03am]

Two girls we waking in the woods when they suddenly hear a voice "ladies, help!". They look around, but they see no one, so they continue to walk. They hear the voice a second time "Ladies, help. I'm down here!". They look down and see a frog. One girl says "Was that you talking, frog?" The frog answers "Yes, that was me." The girl asks "But how can it be? you're a frog!" The frog replies "Well yousee, I'm originally a talented jazz sax player, but a witch turned me into a frog." Then adds "Ladies, all it takes is one kiss to turn me back into the talented jazz sax player I once was. Would you help me?"
One girl thinks for a second, leans down, grabs the frog and runs. Her friend calls her "Hey! What are you doing? he said all it take is a kiss!" The girl answers "Yes, but I can make more money with a talking frog than with a talented jazz sax player!"

A really, really fat man got out of the shower at the health club. A second man said "Gee, you're fat!" The fat man said, "Yeah?"

The second man asked "How long is it since you've seen your dick?" The fat man answered, "Long time."

The second man asked, "Why don't you diet?" The fat man asks, "Why? What color is it now?"

What do you get if you cross AsianBomb and TheReturnOfDook?

A few girly scratches.

Mary ann was at the Drive in with her Boyfriend. They were getting hot and heavy when Mary ann felt her BF slide his hand into her pants.

Mary ann Laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed....


Because she knew her money was in her Bra.

what do you call a musician with out a girlfriend







late for practice

This thread went well.

ella731 said:

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?




Homeless.

What do you call cheese that's not yours?








Na-cho cheese!

think i lifted this one off of housequake a while ago...


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.
She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.
He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(Are you ready ???)




The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

ba - dum - bump!

2the9s said:

9sey, I absolutely love this joke!

Why did the woman fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?


Whatttt? It's funny.

never mind
[Edited 5/31/05 23:21pm]

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

This guy owns a very small business, which has only two other employees; Jack and Jill. Both are exceptional workers, very reliable and capable.

However, things start to turn sour for the business,and the manager realises that he can no longer afford the salaries of both Jack and Jill. He has to lay one of them off.

He cannot decide which one to lay off, as there is absolutely nothing to tell between the two, so he decides to leave the decision to luck. He stands by the water cooler, and decides that which ever employee comes to get a drink next will be the unlucky one.

He is there only a short time when Jill arrives to get some water to take pain-killers for a headache. The decision is made.

The manager asks Jill into the office and says: 'Jill, I'm just going to be blunt and say that I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off'.

Jill says: 'Well, I think you better jack off, I have a headache'.

L
[Edited 6/1/05 3:10am]

...

A man walks in to a barber shop and asks "how long before I could get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop, and says "about 35 minutes". "Thanks" the guy says and walks out.

A few days later the same guy walks in again, and asks "How long before I could get a haircut?" The barber looks around and says "About 45 minutes". "Thanks!" the guy says and walks out.

A week later he comes in again "Hey, how long before I could get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "It's a busy day, so I'd say about an hour and a half". "Cool" the guy says and walks out.
The barber calls his assistant and says "listen, I want you to follow the guy and tell me where he's going. he keeps coming in every few days to ask when he can get a haircut, but he never returns to actually get one."

After a few minutes the assistant comes back, laughing real hard. "What's so funny? where'd he go?"

The assistant replies: "To your house!"

jn2 said:

You silly goose.

A man is strolling along the beach. He comes across a magic lamp. He picks it up, rubs the sand off, and "poof", out pops a genie.

Genie says "you have set me free, i will grant you any wish you desire"

Man thinks for a while, then says "i would love to visit my brother in Australia, i haven't seen him for years as i have a fear of flying. I wish for a road bridge between here and Australia so that i can go see my brother!"

The genie rubs his jaw, sucks in his breath and frowns. "Do you have any idea the amount of work involved in constructing a road bridge between here and Australia? The technology, time and effort it would require are phenomenal. I'm sorry, its nigh on impossible, i can't do it. But, make any other wish, any wish at all, i promise i will grant it instead."

The man looks disappointed.
He thinks for a while, then suddenly he says
" i've got it, i have my wish - I've always wanted to be able to understand women!"


Genie replies "So, this road bridge..... one lane or two?"
[Edited 6/2/05 16:36pm]

Toward the end of his service about the virtues of forgiveness, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. And very commendable. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: " I outlived all the bitches."
[Edited 6/3/05 4:42am]

So when are the jokes starting?