"Answering Machine" (Bruce McCulloch)

(set to a jaunty tune):

I love my answering machine
I love my answering machine
It keeps the people I know away from me.

I don't watch TV
Don't watch my weight
I watch my answering machine.

My best friend says, "It's me - pick-up!"
I say no.
My girlfriend says, "It's me - pick-up"
I Say no.
"Mr. Harris from the bank calling - please pick-up"
Yeah, right.


I love my answering machine
I love my answering machine
It talks to my friends for me

Do I want to go for dinner?
Should we meet somewhere at 8?
Only if I can take my answering machine.

I love my answering machine
I love my answering machine
It keeps the people I know away from me

Sometimes I miss it
In the middle of the afternoon
I call it up
To see how it's doing
How can I tell my gal
Who I'm whispering to?
You know it's my answering machine

I love my answering machine
I love my answering machine
It keeps the people I love away from me

My answering machine says,
"Hi, this is Bruce. I'm not here right now so please leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thank you. bye bye."

What my answering machine should say is
"Hi, this is Bruce and I am here right now, and I am listening to you, but I'm not going to pick-up. So leave a message and I probably won't get back to you. Thank you. Bye-bye."

I love my answering machine
I love my answering machine
It keeps you people away from me

I collect calls
Like spinsters collect porcelain dolls
Sometimes I'll get fearless and return one
But I'll only speak
If on the other end of the phone
Is another answering machine

We love our answering machines
We love our answering machines
They keep the people we know away from us.

We love our answering machines
We love our answering machines
They're the very best thing to ever be invented!

i just don't answer the thing. if it's important, they'll leave a voicemail and if it's worth my damn time, i'll call 'em back unless i'm having severe phone allergies on a particular day.

Anxiety said:

I'm more of a call-display man myself, these days.

Ace said:

i need to invest in that.