Is there someone here who has the same problem as I have, namely being too honest?

I have a rather jealous boyfriend who freaks out on every boy that likes me, although he should know by now I will always be faithful to him.

My problem is that that I always want to tell him those small things that really don't matter that much. I know they will disturb him far too much, but still I feel like I can't hide anything...

For example: I had a very short romance 4 years ago with a very complex person, who is now becoming a rather famous singer in Belgium. He broke up after two weeks, and is since then acting rather akward. He says I'm his best friend, but never wants to see me, always makes up excuses etc... As for my part, he's very good-looking, mysterious and charming, but I do know who he is, and I would never ever want to start something, or kiss him,...

On Thursday we went to a concert of his and he came to me afterwards and couldn't barely say anything. My boyfriend tried to talk to him, be friendly etc but it didn't help, he was being his own artistic loner self. The day after I received a message on my phone: 'It was nice to see you again. I had a wonderful dream about you. Thanks for making my day'

I have to admit I was really charmed, but my heart kept on going, I mean, no big deal. I'm rather fed up with these double messages, don't feel any need to flirt with him.

Anyway, I told my boyfriend, because I felt I had to, and of course this has made the whole thing much worse, although he really shouldn't be scared.

Who has the same problem? Always telling everything? Or do you think you should always say everything?

this tool has become greatly used in my "brutally honest" style of communication...

discernment




dis·cern·ment [ di súrnmənt ]


noun

keenly selective judgment: good taste and judgment

Mach said:

From what I read you seem to have a great relationship. Would you tell your man something like this, if you knew it would upset him and isn't a big deal in itself?
[Edited 4/23/05 5:47am]

I think you alwys have to be honest. Even if the truth hurts! People that can't handle that aren't worthy of your friendship!
It's so funny, I was busy translating a Herman van Veen song about 'Not telling lies' And was gonna post it here on the Org.

If you want I'll orgnote (the Dutch) version to you!

Every important person in my life I gave a copy of that song.

Yep, I got the same problem. But I say, fuck it, if they want to live with me they better learn to deal with this part of me too. I can't change. Keeping things like that to myself would make me unhappy. I'd feel horrible about myself when I really don't have anything to hide.

yep me too, i'm pretty much honest and to the point
when people first meet me they don't know how to take me
then they get to know me and well what can i say, they love me 4 who i am
i suppose its how u deal the words to the person, depends on the situation and the person ur interacting with.
Always speak the truth.

MarieLouise said:

On its way!!

I have a tendancy to be too honest and sometimes wish i had kept things to myself but it's not like me to keep things bottled up

I tend to just say what i feel and tell people anything they want to know and then deal with the consequences

believe me thinking back there are alot of things i think i should have kept to myself.

Alcop0p said:

AMEN to that, i do that too, thats why sometimes people don't know how 2 take me
do u have this problem as well, because of ur upfront honesty
and i sure know what u mean with damn i wish i kept that to myself

MarieLouise said:

i tell my man most everything ... but see something like this would not upset him ...

I guess it depends on why you feel a need to tell someone something that you know isn't a big deal to you and yet will cause strife for the other person. What can be gained from the experience? Not saying you always shouldn't or that you always should. I don't think we have to tell anyone EVERYTHING in life in order to consider ourselves "honest". Some things may be better left unsaid.

CarrieMpls said:

i agree. i used to be to honest and i learned that some things just need to be kept to yourself if its not a big deal and you know they might freak out over it.

brownsugar said:

So when they find out by accident and they ask you why you kept it a secret you say "oh well, I thought it was no big deal" and they'll say "if it wasn't a big deal, why didn't you just tell me?". At that point it looks like there was more going on then there really was. I say get it out in the open and then it's up to them how they deal with it. If they take their head out of their ass and see you're not making it into a big deal, they'll understand it's nothing to worry about. If they don't, well maybe they're not the right person for you if they can't deal with such a critical aspect of your personality.
[Edited 4/23/05 6:44am]

I think it's a good idea to stop and ask oneself, "what is my motive in telling this other person--is it to make MYSELF feel better, or will it truly add to the integrity of the relationship in some way?"

I VERY briefly dated a guy who thought the women he'd been in failed relationships with just "couldn't handle" his "honesty"; I, however, thought his personal boundaries just totally sucked.

analbolique said:

well then it'll be a big argument over it being no big deal and then i'll get pissed 'cause there making it more than what it is and....damn lets just hope they don't

AnotherLoverToo said:

In the case of the example MarieLouise has given I say, why deal with the burden of keeping something like that a secret when it's not something you want to persue?

analbolique said:

because sometimes people can't handle the truth especially when they're jealous.

brownsugar said:

But that's their problem. I'm not going to turn into a person with secrets and half-truths just because of a flaw in their personality. I'm not gonna stress out because they might not be able to take it. If they want to be with me, they have no choice but to take it. Trust me, they'll get over it quick enough if you don't give them any reason to doubt you. I know, because I can be jealous too, but if you don't start to act differently all of a sudden I'll forget about it in no time.
[Edited 4/23/05 6:57am]

analbolique said:

true.

MarieLouise said:

You dated Bobbejaan Schoepen??

269 said:

I guess, Although all my friends come to me when they are in trouble cause they know I'm not gonna mess about and tell them the truth.

I know i have upset people in the past with how i am, and i know some people get the wrong impression of me, not sure wether it's to do with honesty or my sarcasm though

Alcop0p said:

I thought you were such a sweet innocent little girl. Boy was I wrong.

analbolique said:

I am the picture of innocence ask anyone

Alcop0p said:

I think that this variable of this whole thing is what matters, if the other person WANTS to know the the burden lies on them, but when that "brutal honesty" is unwanted then it becomes hurtful and just mean at times.
[Edited 4/23/05 9:30am]

CoJones said:

if people ask i tell them

but I don't go out of my way to be upsetting to people.

and I do lie sometimes ie, friends who have just had hair cut I'll say i like it cause telling them I don't will look bad, but if it is something i can change make an impact on such as, do you think i should have my hair cut like this.... I'd say no it wouldn't suit you.

Alcop0p said:

Alcop0p said:

But can't you just say the other haircut looked better for example? That's being honest without being too harsh...unless you hated the previous look too of course.

analbolique said:

well i could and sometimes i have just failed to say anything as if it hasn't even happened and have hearing problems if they ask

sorry what was that you said..... oh hang on be right back ~ Toni goes home

MarieLouise,
your situation brings up an interesting question.

I use what I call an "information of value" reference. before explaining that, I make it a point to be as honest & upfront with everyone as I can be; it's the right thing to do, & I certainly want people to treat me the same way.

there are certain pieces of information - depending of course on the person & the situation & the circumstances involved - that do not necessarily need to be revealed to someone.. even if this piece of information (or opinion) is considered to be "true" or "honest". Mach used a GOOD word in her post earlier in this thread-

DISCERNMENT

ideally we should tell the truth in every situation, even if sometimes it may "hurt" the recipient of this truth. however, if a certain truth or fact is going to do some type of harm to someone, do you really want to tell this truth to that person?

it becomes a question of
"do I want to relieve myself of this 'burden of truth' I am carrying, which will harm the other person"
or
"do I want to carry this burden of truth & keep that other person in a (more) positive place?"

if you genuinely believe that revealing a "painful" truth will benefit the other person, will help them to get to a better place.. then it's probably a good idea to reveal that truth.

if revealing that truth will send the other person into a destructive tailspin from which they may never recover, then you.. may not want to say that truth.


to bring this back to your specific situation MarieLouise :

everyone has their own preferences in a partner. me personally, I would not be in a relationship with someone who were that insecure. I would not want to debate myself so often on whether I should tell her something (or not) because she would be jealous or get bent out of shape or whatever. I would want to have the confidence of knowing that I could tell her something & yeah, she might react negatively for a MOMENT, but then we could discuss the matter, bring it to some sort of positive resolution & then we could get on with life.

since it seems that you are in this relationship for the "long haul"
you may want to think carefully before telling him something that will upset & destabilize him..
UNLESS
you are 1 of those people who likes & thrives on "drama" in their relationships, as telling him will certainly bring about a negative reaction & the resulting "back & forth" that takes place.



I would even be curious to know how this pans out, &/or how things are a month or so down the road..