its a little long but interesting...what do you think?


....sex itself is only one aspect of sexual dependency. Pleasure becomes the mitivation, but the real satisfaction is romantic. bed becomes a forum in which struggles in a relationship are defused or intensified. sex isn't about performance: its about a certain kind of communication founded on trust and exposure and vulnerability that can;t be expressed any other way. intense sexual bonds become consuming and self-perpetuating. you become dependent on the gratification. sex becomes a microcosm of the relationship, the battleground, and exorcism.

for a number of years i was deeply involved with a man. we were well suited emotionally and the relationship became very interdependant. jealousy was used to inspire passion...i craved the dependency, the adoration, the satifaction, the security, but sometimes i felt calustrophobic. we were addicted to the amount of love the relationship supplied.....

after two years of anger and mourning. i was face to face with him on the street for the first time since that night (when he beat her). we said hello. i looked into his eyes. later i was able for the first time to remember my real desir for this man and i understood how intense that bond was. despite all the destruction i could still crave that love. i had to face the irreconcilable loss.

-nan goldin, from 'ballad of sexual dependency'

prediction:

MANY posts here.

mltijchr said:

you didn't read it did you?

YES I DID READ IT,

but I knew it would take LESS TIME to write what I wrote
than it would
to give a reasoned & reasonably thoughtful response to your thread

mltijchr said:

oh okay

upon further review, brownsugar..


this "ballad" sounds about right. in particular the "..kind of communication founded on trust and exposure and vulnerability"
(I question if intercourse is the "only" way these 3 traits can be expressed.. but it might well be the most intense..)

if this idea of "sexual dependency" is true, then everyone should be careful not to become dependent on the gratification - that could easily ruin the entirety of the experience, of what it should be.


in fact, what is your opinion of this "ballad"??

mltijchr said:

i think its true... there is a dependency that comes from trust and being in a relationship with that person. i think it maybe one of the reasons why people stay in relationships that they need to get away from. the fear of leaving the comfort of someone knowing your body, the fear of someone else knowing their body....it is so true about the bed being a forum for what is intensified or defused, its where a couple talks at the end of the day when the lights go out.

yes, it's that "fear" that can ruin the experience & complicate the relationship.

there is not anything wrong with having a fear of whatever sort;
the problem is when a person lets that fear motivate them to do something bad or wrong, when a person operates from a weakness - e.g., a fear.

mltijchr said:

true. the woman that wrote this was in an abusive relationship with the man she's talking about. when the relationship started to break down he beat her up really bad.

yeah, that's the really sad part about a situation like that-

when a person is unable or unwilling to express their frustration in a (more) reasonable, non-violent way.


then again, "physical pain" is, for several people, part of that "expression of phyiscal love"..


a FINE LINE there, eh?

mltijchr said:

i've heard some women say that if their boyfriend wasn't jealous like that then they knew that the boyfriend didn't really love them.

brownsugar said:

"pretzel logic".

then again, there are some people who cannot "function" in a relationship unless there is DRAMA.

mltijchr said:

well so far....no

this thread deserves to be discussed.
[Edited 4/19/05 8:47am]

you become dependent on the gratification. sex becomes a microcosm of the relationship, the battleground, and exorcism.


hell man ... that aint right

i cant relate to the ballad very much at all

"....i've seen the how the mythology of romance contradicts the reality to couplig and perpetuates a definition of love that creates dangerous expectations. this mythology doesn't allow for the ambivalence that's natural in any sustained relationship. the friction between the fantasies and the realities of relationships can lead ot alienation or violence.

if men and women often seem unsuited to one another, maybe it's because they have different emotional realities and speak a different emotional lanquage. for many years, i found it hard to understand the feeling systems of men; i didn't believe they were vulnerable and i empowered them in a way that didn't acknowledge their fears and feelings. men carry their own baggage, and legacy based on a fear of women, a need to categorize them, for instance, as mothers, whores, virgins, or spiderwomen. the construction of gender roles is one of the major problems that individuals bring into a relationship..." -nan golden
[Edited 4/19/05 9:56am]

Dugen said:

thats not cold thats just reality when things don't work out.

Mach said:

some people do become dependent, especially if the relationship is going sour...basically sex is whats left, like going through a routine 'cause those two people are so used to eachother's bodies and are afraid to let go.

Dugen said:

no it shouldn't be accepted but people do sometimes. and thats sad.

Dugen said:

it stems from low self-esteem.

brownsugar said:

Sounds as such

brownsugar said:

not always

it can stem from laziness, financial dependance, joint responsibilitys, cultural issues


just being in a bad relationship and not getting out of it doens't mean you have low self worth.

just an idea.

p0pRocks said:

no your right, there's more. i know people who are in relationships for those reasons you mentioned also