WHEN FINNS SPEAK - EVERYBODY LISTEN (it's just that nobody else understands)
By Bill farmer (Knight-Ridder newspapers)

SOMEWHERE IN BERLITZ - Finnish is easy. All you do is taperecord English and then play it backwards.

The language itself is like the Finns themselves - it has nothing to do with Russia or Sweden, despite their proximaty. Finnish, I think, was invented by an ancient king who commanded the people in his dominion to speak like him upon the penalty of death. The monarch's name shall I give as Toivo I, or Toivo the stutterer. It was Toivo's lingual philosophy that why use one letter when two or three would do.

Take the word for cigarette lighter. It is savukkeensytytin, which is the reason why so many Finns carry matches.

When the Finns start a word they see how many foreigners they can weed out on the first syllable. Take the Finnish word for "93". The first three letters are "yhd". That eliminates a lot of competition right there. For the full Finnish word for "93" I would advise you fasten your seat belts and put on your crash helmet.

Here it goes - "yhdeksänkymmentäkolme".

According to Berlitz, that is pronounced simply: "EWHdayksaenKEWMmayntaeKOALmay".

Finns have died of old age trying to count to 100.

Part of the problem with the Finnish language is that the Finns don't mess around with little bitsy words at all. If they are going to use the word "the" or "a" or "by" they just stick it onto a nearby word as an ending.

And don't think you are going to get away with not pronouncing every letter, either. Nothing is wasted in Finnish. Sometimes, when they use a couple or three vowels in a row, they'll put two little dots over the tops of some of them just to break the monotony. Those little dots mean something. In the word "pencil sharpener", which is spelled "kynänteroitin", they put two little dots over the "a" and that means it is pronounced like an "a" and an "e" slopped together. It also means that you are going to find a lot of dull pencils in Finland. It is the only language I know of where the phonetic spelling is more complicated than the regular spelling.

To say "pencil sharpener" in Finnish, for example, you should start with a bottle of good Finnish beer. Take a deep breath, roll back your eyes and say: KEWnae (run the "a" and "e" together now,remember?) nTAYR (stop here and have a sip of beer) roa (then comes a very, very small "i" that fools a lot of people, but, without it the word means "spinach" or something entirely different from "pencil sharpener") ittin (more beer, please).

Okay, all together now: "KEWnaenTAYroaittin!"

There now, wasn't that easy? Where's the bottle opener? During a recent visit of Finland I never saw a crossword puzzle. The papers weren't large enough to cover both horizontal and vertical I guess.

The word for "no" is "aye", which means yes in English, and the word "hei" means hello or goodbye depending on what direction you're going.

Now the word for "yes" is simple. It is "kyllä". The trouble is, nobody uses it. They all say "joo" or "yoa" or "yo", which naturally, is not Finnish at all, but is Swedish. To say "yes, yes" they all say "yo-yo". I can't imagine what the finnish word for "yo-yo" is, but it must be dandy-dandy.

Finnish is related to Hungarian by a previous marriage. That's why the second language of Finland is, of course, Swedish. Everyone speaks English, however, so don't worry if you ever go there.

For an emergency, I tried to learn the Finnish expression for "Get me a doctor, quick", which is "noutakaa nopeasti lääkäri", but by the time I memorized it I was well again.

Finnish is definitely an interesting language! I am half Finnish and my grandparents both spoke it (before they died, that is). I can count to 5 and say a few phrases, and I know a song in Finnish that my grandpa used to sing to me, but I have no idea the spellings of even the few words I know.

CarrieMpls said:

It is, yes. As a Finn I found this extremely hilarious

Steadwood said:

Nope?

Good grief
[Edited 4/15/05 6:39am]

CarrieMpls said:

So am I.

If someone gets on your nerves in Finland, just say "Haista vittu."

Be prepared to fight soon after.

EvilWhiteMale said:

what's your other half?

CarrieMpls said:

Russian Jew, third generation.

EvilWhiteMale said:

I see.

My other half is German. It's an odd mix. Kinda.

CarrieMpls said:

Can you post a picture of your finish half?

PANDURITO said:

EvilWhiteMale said:

*washes EvilWhiteMale's mouth with soap*

Hi there!

Excellent post, Kayleigh! I could be offended, but you're a fellow Finn!
I do have some humor, I do.

It is funny though, as the words that we're being mentioned on the first post,
are not very often used. Like that kynanteroitin. We just usually say
'teroitin' and everybody knows what we are talking about.
It's like that every country probably has it's own slang.

Finnish isn't that difficult, unless you start thinking about those
words with a's with two dots on them. Every new languange takes some time
to learn.

And about that English speaking part, I wouldn't count on it.
Really many in our school don't know English that well. They might understand
a lot, but if they try speak English, god forbid! Finnish people usually
can't pronounce English. I ain't that good in English, but I think I can
speak and write it quite well. Atleast most of the people understand me.

And EvilWhiteMale, don't curse. Really, Finns curse way too much!
That V-word you mentioned is clearly overused. I am very sad to announce that
even I use it occasionally. It's a bad habit, a very bad habit.

Anyhow, overall a very funny post, I got some laughs out of it.
But don't assume anything about us Finns.
I don't think myself as a Finn though, but I am a Finn.

Keep on funking, great post, ciao!

- Ippei

PS. Probably some typos, I'm too lazy to start searching for them.