Ladies and Gentleman, I appreciate your honesty
As a student who is studying psychology (in many ways to understand myself), I at first wondered why their were no anti-depressents back in the "depression era." I figured, hell, people just picked themselves by their bootstraps and dealt with life. I'm so positive I piss depressed people off, and always have. I stopped smoking weed two years ago, which, in retrospect, was my "med" and took "the edge" off.
In getting "real" I have seen, observed, and studied people, and society is very different in this day and age. Yes, schizophrenia is the exception to the rule in terms of a placebo or"mini-cure", but as for the rest of it, I will say that people today become addicted to thinking. Period. The mind feeds off itself. So when you have negative thoughts, as a depressed person does, whether this leads to a frontal lobe problem, seratonin defiency, manic depression, BPD, suicidal tendencies etc.they keep multiplying(?), which leads to a differentiation in the "typical" way the brain reacts to any given situation.
The typical person has over 4000 thoughts a day. If they are inherently negative (as society unforunately tends to be in this day and age), they will just fester on themselves. Honesty IS the best cure, but most depressed people are extremely intelligent, and judge not only others, but themselves very harshly, which makes denial more of an issue.
It was hard for me realize we're all fucked up anyway in some ways. Once I did,I was able to finally laugh at myself, then the world. Thanks for reading.

nakedpianoplayer said:

feeling is mutual sweetie

I used to get very angry - sometimes to the point I'd rip my clothes off in front of family members, friends etc. The moment takes over, but thankfully this happens very rarely now. Winston Churchhill called depression the 'black dog on my shoulder', which is an analogy I use a lot for different things. I'm lucky - I laugh more than anyone I know. I don't suffer from any prolonged bouts of despair and I would certainly never take perscription 'medicine'.
The 'fear', of course, is a different monster, where thoughts bite and won't let go, the breathtaking horror of death itself steps out from the shadows and the ultra-reality epiphany our bodies will one day rot or burn threatens to push sanity over the abyss forever. Eh? Anyway.
There was a period where I spent a few months in fear for my sanity. I was smoking far too much weed and one day, I was walking home from the train station when all my thoughts just stopped and I actually found it impossible to think. I really could not string a thought together. Hyperventaliation, panic, collapse, yuk. What I can recall is the overwhelming physical nausa that I'd broken my mind.
After this, nothing seemed real and when people spoke I couldn't pay attention or even attempt to tune into 'reality' (which had become alienly distorted to ym perception) to make a cup to tea - most of the time I was angry people weren't talking in tune to the music in my head. Monotone speech seemed so dull. I thought everyone should sing.
It was certainly an odd couple of months, but I hid it well and just went on as usual, even though I was mentally broken with lots of strange notions and ideas blowing around in the wind.
But, alas, it was a temporary madness and I'm feeling better than I ever have now. I realise there's comfort to be had in cultural, social and mental alienation from the flock.
[Edited 4/10/05 5:36am]

LiveWithIt said:

i used to smoke pot allll day long, and i KNOW that was my fix it made it easier to deal with the freakin ups and downs i went through i just couldnt get a handle on why some days i was so damn happy i couldnt sit still, while others i was sooooo sad i couldnt/wouldnt get out of bed i refuse to play the 'poor me' role in life, although since are are speaking so honestly, i do get angry a lot of the time. angry at the world around me for not understanding, and angry at myself for being this way to begin with !! then, you factor in that im doing that single momma thing, which SO MANY women are doing these days, and i just get to the point that i want to scream, as sometimes the stress of it all - from outside and from within - just makes me want to give up !

but, the best part of being bi-polar (if there is a best side ) eventually, EVENTUALLY, you do have the up days and you do have days you feel on top of the world... so, you just wait it out like a bad headache, keep taking the meds, and pray for the best.

my babies dont know i suffer from this, as they are so young i dont think they would understand.. but, they are fantastic at dealing with momma's ups and downs, i truely couldnt ask for better babies !! and now that i have them, it really keeps me grounded, and i wont 'allow' myself to do the crazy shit anymore. its been said, God gives you only what you can handle, ya know what ? God must really think im tough and so, handling it - yeah, it sucks - but im hangin in there


for the depressed folks out there doing their best in life