Subject: Letter to Pets

My Dear Pets,

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Dear Scooby,

Stop licking my cup cakes!!!

JD

JDINTERACTIVE said:

I need to read this to Thunder and Echo immediately....granted it's THEIR house and I am just staff, but still


s Nanc, thanks for posting this!

~ Gretch

JDINTERACTIVE said:

EskomoKisses said:

You're welcome, Gretch. I know what you mean, they always say you don't own a cat, the cat owns you.

very cute

My cat can't read.

Very funny

nakedpianoplayer said:

Thanks, naked.

ReturnOfDOOK said:

You could always read this to him/her.

Nothinbutjoy said:

Glad you enjoyed it.

Dear Leia,


Stop being smelly and annoying and maybe I'll stop kicking you.



-Josh

RazzBeret said:

Dear Kitty:

Please stop meowing at the door, and I'll stop telling you "No!"

that is HIGH-LARIOUS!