To make a long story short, my father and some of his male friends were very sexually inappropriate men. Luckily, I was never sexually abused by them, but throughout my childhood, there were MANY incidents of inappropriate sexuality/suggestive behaviors/immaturity when it came to sex and women. As a young girl visiting my dad, I was often uncomfortable but couldn't exactly say WHY I felt that way. (I now realize that seeing my dad's porn mags and polaroids of his nude girlfriends laying around was a big part of it, not to mention being taken to see rated R films with explicit sex scenes and hearing constant jokes with sexual innuendo, etc.)

A childhood friend of mine just sent me an email confiding in me about some of the abuse she endured at my father's house when she was about 10-12 yrs old. After my mom divorced my father, my dad took in another recently divorced male friend/roommate who lived in the upper part of his house. A lot of partying went on at that house, and her dad was friends with mine and the roommate, and her dad occasionally brought her to my dad's house. Apparently, the roommate hurt her sexually several times--forced sexual acts upon her between the ages of 10-12yrs. (This guy said a few suggestive things to me when I was about 13, 14 yrs old--i.e., said my HS freshman year pic was "sexy", for example--but luckily never touched me) From the ages of 12-14, my friend's own father sexually abused her.

I guess my main point is: if you're a parent, especially a parent whose children go away on weekends with their other (non-custodial) parent, please be aware of who your children are left alone with and what activities ("parties") might be going on at that other location. Alcohol doesn't create sexual predators, but it definitely makes it more likely that an abuser will cross that line and seek out a child or other victim. If you feel weird about your ex's friends, go with that feeling and check it out.


Secondly, although I watch/look at porn and am very sex-positive, there are some things that are really inappropriate for young children to be around. I very much believe that children are sexual beings, naturally curious about their bodies and those of others, and are capable of experiencing sexual pleasure at a young age. But adults often project their own sexuality onto children, and that is wrong. I think kids should be free to explore and "play doctor", but with kids their own age, and without coercion. Leaving adult porn around--I'm not talking about nude statues or tasteful works of art--along with making sexual jokes and inappropriate touching is "grooming" behavior and just plain sick.

Please be aware of the sexual messages your kids are receiving and where they are coming from. (AND those that you might be sending to children who are around you) It's probably not the media or TV that needs to be monitored so much as family, friends, drunken uncles/aunts, etc. My friend is 34 yrs old and is just now coming to terms with what happened to her, and is reaching out to me to put some of the pieces together. She's looking for a therapist to work this out, because it has affected her relationships throughout her lifetime. It literally is making me ill to know that my father may have been a part of it--if not involved directly, my friend has indicated that he was aware of what his roommate was doing to her.

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share anything you think is appropriate from your own experience or just thoughts/emotions.

Wow...that's deep. But you're blessed it never happened to you.

very sad and im sorry

i dont know what else to say....


again, im sorry

my ex wife was abused, I'm positive it had something to do with why she would move on with other guys so easily....

nakedpianoplayer said:

co-sign...when things like that happen words just aren't enough

Keep em from MJ?

The E! trial show is getting perverted. They are talking about ejacualtion and the smell.


Seriously though...watch at all times who they are around. Make sure they talk to you about the adults they interact with.
[Edited 3/14/05 18:30pm]

origmnd said:

are you sick ? im thinking you have to be to write something like that

origmnd said:

they're actually televising the trial?

nakedpianoplayer said:

Hey if E! can freely say the words during prime time what's the big deal?

i'm sorry to hear that. when i was little my dad never let us spend the night at other people's house. i always thought he was being too protective or being mean. i hope your friend is able to get through this. its the worse thing a child can go through.

jerseykrs said:

People who have been abused talk a lot about their difficulty with close emotional relationships, and how they are unable to trust. I'd imagine that, combined with thinking their value to their partner is purely sexual/physical, would make a marriage really tough.

My friend was recently married, and both of her parents died within the last year and a half. I think she's trying to deal with this so she can be happy and have healthy, trusting intimate relationships.

heybaby said:

my children say the same thing.. i think i go way overboard sometimes, i dont let them go inside anyone's home. you never know about drugs, weapons, men, there are so many things that can potentially harm a child out there my only defense is to make sure that if they want to play with a friend, they do it in my home where i can keep an eye on them and make sure that noone is being mistreated... hopefully when my babies get older, they will understand. until then, i've gotten to know all the kids in the neighborhood... they all think im pretty nice for letting them all in to play - they have no idea what the real reason is

Thanks, everybody so far. I'm feeling a lot of things, ranging from guilt that I wasn't abused (stupid, I know) to disgust of my father, to fear of my future relationship with him.

I'm going to point-blank ask her if my father was involved in her abuse. If he was, it's something I'll have to confront him on eventually. I'm gonna need help on that one, which is funny in a sick way, because I"m usually the one counseling others on dealing with stuff like this.

heybaby said:

Yeah, my mom was pretty strict about that, too. "Where will you be, who will be there, will there be a parent home, what time will you be home, what's the telephone number".....?

Other than lock our kids up, heh, I think we also have to teach them to open their mouths and say "no" and to always tell us if someone touches them inappropriately. It's so much better now, people believing their kids and teaching them the difference between good and bad touches. Back when my friend was a kid, it was the late 70s/early 80s--that stuff was just starting to become spoken about.

AnotherLoverToo said:

yes, but counseling others doesnt mean that you have the answers for yourself it should mean that you know just how important it is to talk this out...

its a big step, talking to your father about that.. but, if you get some help beforehand, you are definately doing something that will help you in the future. trust me on that, i wish i would have talked to my father about our differences before he passed away... now i just have to deal with them by myself

jerseykrs said:

Dude, it's scary how many women have been abused. Guys too, but that's still a huge taboo.

I was a victim of incest.

I grew up in suburbia and TRUST ME it happens more often than you think.

Here's what I suggest to all the parents and people out there who have young children.

Incest CAN happen between your own sons and daughters, even between two sons and two daughters, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, godparents, whoever! Make sure you keep your eyes on children.

Never have locks on your children's door. You should be able to open your child's door at all time.

Always know where your children are.

I spoke with the person in my family who committed incest against me and this person told me that they weren't of sound mind and they were unduly influenced by cable TV and porn that was lying around the house. I was experimented on and I hate it to this day, but I still accept this person who victimized me.

I STRONGLY ENCOURAGE all parents to NOT HAVE CABLE/SATELLITE TV around your children. Your kids don't need to watch cable or satellite TV until they reach a certain age.

I recommend raiding your children's rooms when they're away at school (up until they reach the pre-teen/rebellious age). Play detective. You pay all the bills.

My parents and relatives gave us TOO MUCH FREEDOM. I had a cable box in my room since I was 5 years old and I used to watch Cinemax's "Friday After Dark" and all those soft-core porn movies in elementary school ON FUCKING CABLE TV. I even dialed in the Spice channel and the Rendevouz channel on Pay Per View and my parents never knew it was me.

MAKE SURE YOU DO NOT HAVE CABLE or SATELLITE TV IN YOUR HOUSE AROUND YOUR KIDS. If you do, make sure you have parental controls and the cable is centered in the family room. Children shouldn't have cable TV in their rooms with locked doors. They can play video games, but just make it be BROADCAST TV. You know, NBC, CBS, ABC. Until they reach the pre-teen age and want to watch MTV or what not.

If you or your spouse/lover owns porn in the house and children are around. PLEASE.... THROW THE SHIT OUT. Kids always find their daddy's porno tapes and Playboy magazines. Kids are not really naïve, they just pretend to be sometimes. Because, trust me, kids will find it. Me and my siblings and cousins were watching our parents porn when I was in kindergarten when our parents were away at work.

Believe me, THIS WILL protect your children from inappropriate sexual contact and activity.[i]

.
[Edited 3/16/05 16:05pm]

I was, thankfully, never a victim of any sort of sexual abuse. However, I did come across my parents stack of porn mags when I was about 5 or 6. They kept them on the shelf in the downstair toilet. This was in the mid 70s and my parents probably thought they very liberated as they KNEW I was looking at them and never did anything about it. I would draw sexual acts and hide them in a box in my closet, even at such a young age I found it arousing and was disturbed by it. I believe that this has affected my sexuality in my adult life.

That's a sad story and I fully endorse what you're saying. I wasn't personally abused but I deal with this every day.

AnotherLoverToo said:

Alt

That is excellent advice. Sadly, so many women have to face this issue. Nearly all the women in my family have had to grapple with this issue.

It's so hard raising kids in this world today. There's so much that is out to get them. I hope your friend can get the help she needs on this and I hope you can remain open to her in the process. If/when you reach the stage that you need to address these issues with your father you know I'm here to listen and talk to. I probably won't have answers but I'll be that ear or shoulder if you need it

.
[Edited 3/16/05 17:37pm]

Impressed said:

Thanks for taking the time to write such a great post.

I agree that when kids watch unsupervised television, there's a lot of inappropriate content that they can experience. Some people say, "well, they're gonna see/hear it anyway in the real world, so might as well let them see it at home". That's cool if the parents watch it and explain it to them in the proper context, but usually they don't, so kids are left to come up with their own explanations of what the people on screen are doing.

charlottegelin said:

This is the perfect example of what can be problematic about porn; rather than associating our natural sexuality with curiousity/pleasure/openness, using porn is often associated with guilt, shame, secrecy and images of people who aren't real. Having our first sexual experiences with porn sets a standard of feeling shame/guilt with orgasm and arousal--not exactly healthy.

Fauxie, Supa:

Impressed said:

Wow. I'm sorry that happened to you, and good advice. There are many things kids just aren't ready to handle, no matter how it's presented.

animal said:

AnotherLoverToo said:

Yep. There's a reason why people are so up-in-arms about protecting kids because things like incest DO happen. I'm living proof of it. I remember having a talk with the family member who committed these acts against me [I will not disclose their gender or relation to me] and this person was in tears talking with me last year -- apologizing for doing those things to me. We both were at such a young age. This person wishes that my relatives didn't give us so much damn freedom and access to cable TV and other bullshit at such a young age. We were little kids. We didn't know what the hell we were doing or seeing -- or what the later consequences of those actions would be.

You know how kids on the playground would joke or make light of the fact that "so-and-so's a Virgin!" -- and the boys on the playground would deny it or hide the fact that they WERE virgins. I, on the other hand, was silent every time one of those playground games was played because I was sexually active from age 5 until 10 or 11 (the age when the person who was molesting me stopped because I was getting to the point where "I could remember" and "cum" -- we were on our parent's bed when this happened and where the last sex act -- I can recall -- was committed.)

It's so sad. I remember I was a young boy and I would knock on my family member's door for years asking for oral sex (I was oblivious to the fact that I was being victimized. It felt "good" to me -- I had no idea what I was doing was perverse and that I was being victimized). The person later tried to turn this fact against me when I got older and tried to justify the molestation by saying, "I wanted it."

One time when I was 8 or 9, I remember me and my family member were having sex under the cushions of a fold-away couch. I vividly remember that my father was in the adjacent bathroom shaving. We both stopped (even at that age, we knew what we were doing was wrong and we didn't want to get caught). Sometimes, I wonder if my father knew what was going on, but was afraid to intervene because of how perverse the situation was? That's still in the back of my mind as an adult.

The age I REALIZED I was a victim of child molestation was 12 (a year and a few months after this person had ended all sexual activity). I remember I was sprawled out on the carpet in the front of the living room crying. I wrote a confessional note to my mother about the sex acts and molestation that occured in the family house. I was crying uncontrollably as a young boy while writing it on a blank sheet of paper with a pencil. I stuck the note in the bottom drawer of my bed hoping that my mother would find it and read it. She never opened that drawer. The note sat there in that same drawer, same space for 3 years until I finally took it out (it was dusty, by then) and I ripped it up into tiny pieces and threw it in the outside garbage cans.

I didn't TRULY lose my virginity (the traditional, normal, non-perverse way) until I was out of high school, but I had been done lost my innocence.

This person who molested me STILL deals with the hurt and pain of committing such acts to a CHILD almost everyday -- and regrets it intensely (the side effects of those actions: incarceration, taking up alternative "cult" religion, drug dealing and usage). How being a victim of incest affected me: depression, negative self-image, insecurity, self-loathing, troubles with adult intimacy, feelings of violation, lost innocence, etc. I have forgiven this person and fully reconciled, but the pain of the past still hurts. I forgave this person because in order for my family -- and this person -- to MOVE ON and BE HEALTHY we have to be pro-active and start by building trust, forgiveness and love.

Parents -- you will be surprised how much your kids will THANK YOU for stepping in and being an active/in-our-business parents years down the road when they're grown adults. They'll be much healthier adults and members of society, believe it. Step in! Reprimand your kids. Peek in their rooms, question them, block certain things from them! As an incest survivor, I encourage it! It shows that you cared and had their best interests at heart. They'll love you in the long run for it.

.
[Edited 3/17/05 1:09am]

Wow…

The stories some of you have, are so very sad.

I promise that if I ever become a parent, I will be an active participant in my child’s development.

When I have kids I'm going to be one big papa bear. My parents wouldn't let me go to anyones house. They'd rather I invite them to mine.

ANOTHERLOVERTOO - Thanks for sharing your story. It's very brave of you.

AnotherLoverToo said:

Porn is fantasy and entertainment for adults. I don't see anything shameful about it. Various forms of organized religion are generally the ones who impose shame on people.

Incest and other forms of sexual abuse have been going on long before porn became mainstream. I'd be leary of placing so much blame on it, you might be ignoring other factors that may have lead to the abuse.

Tom said:

I don’t necessarily disagree with you.
I would probably agree with you that “shame” is learned.

And I think placing blame entirely on pornography is obviously wrong.

However, I wouldn’t discount the disturbing effects that pornography can have on the developing (and/or the soft) mind.

(Example: On his deathbed (essentially) Ted Bundy talked about the influence of porn in his early childhood, and the effect it had in his later years.)

You’d be hard pressed to find anyone credible that could show positive outcome.