a couple months ago... my roommate and i were the center of conversation and entettainment for a group of people sitting next to us because we are gay. when i was leaving Chicago a couple weeks ago... and i gave a good bye kiss to the guy i like i got hateful looks from the skycaps. here in SoCal drug use is rampant in the gay community, because of self loathing. i think it's harders to be gay.

For the record....I would never wish...NEVER WISH gayness on anyone. It is 10 times as hard.

Reasons...

No one assumes you're gay...esp family. They assume you will be straight.

No one tells you about being gay during the "Birds and bees" so it's never really discussed and you have to figure it out. Maybe you figure it out right away...at 16 or 17. May 21...maybe 30..maybe 50. And hope it aint 50, cuz you'll have many sexual issues before then...and not know why really.

Who's to say if you're parents, family or friends are homophobic.

Are you or were you brought up religious?

Do you live in a major city, where homosexuality is a little bit accepted...or do you live in a small city...or town...or in the sticks...where you have no exposure to any gay people. If you don't move, are you prepared to be alone?

Kids are especially cruel and have gaydar like no one else (they don't know they have it...and lose that 6th sense when they get older) and will hone in on the "gay" kid...and tease or beat the kid up. Good times...let me tell you.

Oh and when you get older and move to a big city and want to find a lover...good luck, cuz all gay men...like their straight counterparts are mostly pigs and can't keep it in thier pants and don't know the word "commitment"...and don't even go into how shallow gay boys can get.

jayaredee said:

That's actually a term from the 80's that has resurfaced...meaning stupid or dumb. It's sort of like the reuse of the n word.

superspaceboy said:

I guess
but i still didn't feel comfortable having to work in groups in high school with a bunch of straight guys saying how everything was gay. It kinda made me feel outcasted, despite i knew nothing about their homosexual viewpoints.
I went to a Catholic school so there was less tolerance for homosexuals among the kids. They mostly all grew up in big Christian households where homosexuality is a deadly sin and therefore their views were shaped by their parents.

i guess since i'm not gay i can only guess at how difficult it must be however saying that...all relationships are difficult whether you are gay, straight or a freak. but how many straight bashing have you heard of? have you ever been ridiculed for being straight?? i am very proud of being Canadian and of my generation who is working toward legalizing gay marriage. we are all humans and isn't happiness and harmony more important then what 'the church' believes is right or wrong?? i am a true believer that either you are born gay or straight...'cause really who would choose the hardships and confusion that goes along with being gay??


just my

I don't believe you can turn gay. If you do it means you were either bisexual or gay in the first place.

I don't know if it's harder being gay or straight. There's bullshit in all relationships. It's hard for me sometimes because some people, at first meeting, don't know I'm gay. Some of them are straight guys, they automatically start talking about girls boobs and stuff. I have to break it down for them. I have to basically come out every frickin' day.

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

Been there done that
Then when i do reveal it, they walk away slowly..... when 2 seconds ago they were your good friend
[Edited 3/14/05 12:15pm]

Oh and an addendum to my post...

It not easier being gay.

But all relationships (gay and straight) have thier own unique challenges...neither harder nor easier than the other or if you are a man or a woman.

superspaceboy said:

I'm still determined to write a song with you, Mister P.

BinaryJustin said:

cool. send me something and we'll take it from there, yeah?

Okay.

I admit it.

Being gay is way better. Life is more beautiful when you are gay. Gays are sexier. Better looking. Better paid. We get all the girls, even when we don't want them; they all want to be our friend.

We have more sex. Better sex. Raunchier sex. Guiltless sex. We love sex. Live for sex. We have no other hobby basically. Besides Madonna music. And sex. And having sex while playing Madonna music. And Kylie. And some Cher.

CarrieMpls said:

Calm down, Carrie! Of course I know gay people encounter lots of opposition. But where I live I DO occasionally see gay men and gay women holding hands...I mean sure, it IS a liberal suburb that I see this in, so I'm not saying it is the norm. Just a simple question I was asking, that's all. I wanted to know SPECIFICALLY what might be the problems.

superspaceboy said:

thankyou. that's the kind of answer I was looking for. I'm not bi-curious even...I was just curious for some details. I know a lot of gay people and often wonder how it is for you guys, you know.

CarrieMpls said:

If he had, he'd be gay's poster boy!

mrdespues said:

Mr. D. I really wish I could hold my partners hand in public (when I had one). He would freak out though. Even in the most liberal places you still can't really do that comfortably. The other day two men were attacked by 3 bigots in the CASTRO in San Francisco. Yeah, it's still happening, even in gay neighborhoods.

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

I hear ya. I'm sure it happens here in Sydney, too (San Fran's "sister city"). I've been to San Fran and the gay community reminds me of Sydney, along with other things about the city. We also have a very large gay population and I DO see couples holding hands, but it is rare and only in certain openly gay areas.

.
[Edited 3/14/05 15:00pm]

Being gay is frustrating. It's often feels unfair to constantly have to be on pins and needles, and you never know when you're going wind up in a confrontation with someone, where you have to defend who you are.

Even when you come to terms with your own sexuality, and accept it, and are good to yourself, that's all fine and dandy, but it doesn't mean the rest of the world is right there with you.

Dealing with homophobia, even just the little things you experience here and there, day to day, really can erode you after a while.

Tom said:

Erode.....good word. Isn't it exhausting some times?

HamsterHuey said:

I'd like to be interviewed by The Advocate or something. I advocate gayness. For gay people, that is.

Tom said:

I can partially emphathise. I once got into a fight because some half-wits thought I was gay and I needed teaching a lesson. I just lapped it up and didn't proclaim otherwise and with the help of some friends beat the crap out of the main offender.

Ever had to defend yourself physically?

Tom said:

We apply sarcasm whenever we can. It's not being bitchy, it's a self-defense mechanism.

HamsterHuey said:

Apply sarcasm here, rinse and repeat.....
The gay code of ethics in any country.

mrdespues said:

As a gay black man in this life... HELL YES. I repeat... HELL YES! HELL YES! HELL YES! HELL YES! HELL DOUBLE YES! I fucking hate the fact that I am gay! (and no, it's not because of "the church" or society). I just came to the realization that this "lifestyle" (whatever-you-want-to-call-it) is totally unhealthy and unfulfilling. I hold no pride in being gay. I can't stand living my life like this. I H-A-T-E being an outsider, I hate not being able to hold hands in public without fear. I hate not being able to get married. I hate having to COME OUT all the goddamn time. I hate that PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOLD IMMENSE HATRED TOWARDS ME when I haven't done sh-t. I've dealt with racism, cheats, heartbreak, worry, stress, depression, nights where I cry uncontrollably. I look for love, but don't find it. Most people my age are just looking to "fuck." I got caught up in the scene and I contracted a sexually transmitted disease. I got CRABS! I cannot believe I got a case of crabs due to participating in unsafe sex in the past. It's hard.

It's not as much being gay that gets you f--ked over, it's the lifestyle in general. It's a culture of loathing, fear, stress and worry. Everything we do is hidden, we are ashamed of ourselves, afraid someone else is going to find out, so we sneak to do everything. That's how you find muthafuckas at bathhouses and saunas and people hooking up behind bushes because we aren't free to express our love openly. Love in the gay scene is a g-----n lie. We have not achieved equality yet and it depresses me to no end.

The racism in gay culture kills me. I can't stand how white skin and light skin people are placed on a fucking pedestal. I'm an attractive black male, 6'1, 175 lbs., 32" waist, full lips, smooth skin, college degreed, upper middle class background, drug & disease free (HIV negative as of 3/14/05), former teen magazine model, hopeless romantic, don't smoke, rarely drink, very sensitive, spontaneous and yet because my skin is dark... I get little to NO ACTION in this fucking culture. It's so fucking sad. I went out with a white friend of mine and EVERYONE WAS CHASING AFTER HIM... AND I'M SEXIER AND CUTER THAN THAT MUTHAFUCKA! It's a g-----n shame.

I'm surprised I haven't taken up smoking or drugs, given all the bulls--t. I curse like a sailor nowadays, I remember when I was younger I was the kid on the playground that NEVER CURSED. I was a innocent, young kid that stayed in his books and was optimistic about the world around me. Yet, I was bullied, spit at, called a "nigger," "faggot," told I was ugly. All that s--t stuck with me. No matter how hard I try to shake it, I HAVE BECOME JADED.

Lord, I wish I could just be straight and like women.

Man, it would be so much easier.

Matter of fact, I JUST WISH I WAS FREE. BOTTOM LINE. I JUST WISH I WAS FREE.

Pride my a--.

I find it so sad for the gay kids who are 15-18 who are just coming into the realization of themselves and they have to be exposed to this gay life. I was once 18 and ever since, I've noticed that my interactions with other gay people have been extremely s----y.

There are many nights when I go to a club or bar, or I'm just out on the street and I just have a blank face. I just say to myself, "Why am I gay?" "Why do I like men?" "Why can't I be straight?" It would be so much easier for me.

I want to have children. I want to see myself and my family manifested throughout the world. I want to experience the wonder of seeing your face in the face of YOUR CHILD. I don't want to adopt. I want to have natural children. I want to teach them, nuture them and care for them.

This gay life is so unfulfilling and rewarding. And contrary to popular fucking opinion, you can't just up and CHANGE yourself straight. This was not a CHOICE for me. If it was, why would I be suicidal?

There are many times when I just want to kill myself and end it all, but what good what that do. I do not want to make my family suffer. Eventually, I'll come out to my parents. I already came out to my brother. But I wish I could just be a straight man, have a wife, not lust after men, have children and just be straight (literally and figuratively). But that's all one big pipe dream.

I wonder if someone is looking down on me. I wonder if there's a purpose for me being gay. The life I'm living right now is foul. And it's so fucking sad because I was once a GOOD BOY! I still am, but it's slowly escaping as I get older and get exposed to the evils of the world, more and more. I think it's true to some extent what Alana Davis said, "everyone's innocent, just victims of change."

I WOULDN'T WISH BEING GAY ON MY WORST ENEMY. If I would've seen a damn crystal ball of my life, I would've wished my mother had a miscarriage with me. The pain I have in my life is so depressing and hard to stand -- and I'm the only one that fully understands it. I could type until my fingers turn blue and none of you would understand how I feel 100% or how I came to believe these things.

That's the beauty of the internet. You can just air out how you feel and be 100% real about it.

----You may disagree with this, but, it's what I'm dealing with on Monday, March 14, 2005. -----

Wow. I never thought I would come to this point.
[Edited 3/14/05 16:11pm]

I feel for the cat above, it's just that my life is not like that. I'm not ashamed and I surround myself around people that care about me. I can count my true true friends on one hand.

Don't give up dude.

Impressed said:

I am glad that in your own story you already realise this is not an option, not really.

I try to imagine what it is like while reading your post, but I just can't. I realise life can be amazingly cruel, but life's rewards, once on your way, will be worth it.

Lots of people do not understand that there is no such thing as 'growing up gay'. Gay people grow up in a heterosexual environment and have to figure things out themselves, often learning the hard way.

Indeed, the birds and the bees-talk does often not include the gay side of things.

The only thing I can say is that you should keep looking for the good things in life, even when it's hard. There will be a moment when you realise that this misery was good for something. I hope one day you will see this moment in your life as a time when you learned about yourself. About what you want and certainly don't want. Use this time to get familiar with yourself and then change your life into a direction that more fits your hopes and dreams.

To me, often, my hopes and dreams were centered around "Mr Right". I am now 34 and I had two long lasting relationships in my life and I have come to realise that to be happy is to love your self. My old crappy low self esteem did not get me anywhere. And my want for 'the love of my life' has now withered.

But I got something else; I have learned to set aside what people around me expect me to do and be. My family had to get used that I will not marry a woman and have kids the way they have. And I had to get used to the fact that life always choses it's own path. You cannot control many things, but the thing you control for sure is how YOU look at the world.

As soon as you do not see the world as working against you, you will have another view of the world. And the funniest thing is; the world will also view YOU differently.

One of the hardest things in life is admitting that you need change. But once you do, you will find out that is half of the problem. Just sitting down and complain about the world would just hold you back. It is a needful phase in the process of changing, but don't linger.

Coming to terms with my homosexuality was rather easy. My family was not supportive, but not un-supportive either. They gave me the space to grow, which is also a gift in itself.
I do not know what it is like to have to lie to family or people at work as some people do. I am always myself and let people deal with it. I most often find out that it poses no problem. I do not consider it a problem, so others don;t tend to see it that way either. It sort of clears the way for me to be myself. People who do not like that can steer around me without causing me hassle.

Anyway, I do not entirely understand your remarks on living a foul life and once being good, but if it has anything to do with loathing what you are, try to find ways to learn how to love yourself.

Good luck! If you ever want to talk about this; org note me!

Greets,
Herman

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

Co-sign! Never be ashamed of how nature made you. Or god, if you believe in one.

mrdespues said:

Sorry. I was feeling cranky earlier. Mpls is a very liberal city and I tend to surround myself with liberal people so I don't have to see the ugly side of life either all that often. But I'm terrified of becoming complacent. And despite me thinking the city I live in is so great and Minnesota (state I live in) being historically indredibly liberal they are introducing anti-gay legislation this Friday. It's just hot on my mind right now.

i'm a little sad at seeing all the people who are saying "i wouldn't wish being gay on anyone". it makes it sound like being gay is like having diabetes or something, and it's not. it's just one of the attributes life deals a person, like being born male or female, brown-eyed or blue-eyed, left-handed or right-handed.

i haven't placed my bets in the whole "what makes someone queer?" conundrum. frankly, i don't care. i know how i tick and i know what i am, and knowing how i got that way isn't gonna change much.

i didn't really grow up conflicted about my sexuality - my only issue was bracing myself for the way other people treat gay folks, and building up the confidence to not give a shit about homophobic shitwads.

so, is it hard to be gay? yeah. at times. on the one hand, you DO have the homophobic shitwads. i'm always a little worried in the mornings when i walk my boyfriend to the train station, because i think one day someone's gonna be offended by the quick little smooch we give each other and beat the crap out of us. i don't like that some people might see us holding hands and react like we're trying to make some kind of fucking political statement, when it's something any couple would do.

on the other side of the spectrum, i think mainstream gay male culture sucks. it's full of self-loathing body fascists who shun anyone who doesn't look like a ken doll, while at the same time they're filling their "perfect" bodies full of all kinds of skanky drugs that'll have 'em looking like iggy pop by the time they're 35.

but, i dunno, i don't think about this stuff a lot on a day-to-day basis. my sweetie and i don't really involve ourselves with the gay "scene", and neither of us really fixate on all the possible gaybashing scenarios the world has to offer, though we're not stupid - we're as streetsmart as anyone.

i think for me, my sexuality is just one part of what i am. it doesn't wholly define me, though it's surely one of the ingredients that define me. i could bitch about how it's tough being left-handed sometimes, or how it's tough being a music lover sometimes, or a thousand different things. everything has its plusses and minuses.

and ya know what? i'd wish being gay on EVERYONE - at least for a day, for the sake of understanding.