i'm not trying to be cold hearted its just that i don't understand why someone should make an effort to be friends or should i say socialize alot with an ex. i'm not saying be mean to that person when you see them but hi and bye is enough -i think. as far as hanging out or making an effort to hang out or talk or whatever, for what? especially if they break up with me, whats the point if they didn't want to hang out when we were together? the only ex i would be close to as friends afterwards is the father of my children who will hopefully not be an ex ever.

Well...you CAN. But often, it's not worth the hassle. However, there are exceptions to this rule. My ex-girlfriend is now my best friend--but believe me, we had staying-friends-with-the-ex drama for a while. I don't stay in contact with any of my other old flames, although every 3 years or so, I'll send an email out just to find out what they're doing with their lives.

Here's some basics to follow when attempting to stay friends with an ex.

1. Ask yourself how you'll react when he/she starts going out with someone else.

2. Can you hang out with him/her without it leading to sex? (Note: EVERYONE does the "breakup sex" thing at least once, but DO NOT let it become a habit).

3. Remember why you broke up in the first place. It's easy to want to get back together when you're just being buddies.

4. My ex Sara taught me this one: Make sure that your ex does NOT become obsessed or start stalking you.

5. Be prepared to deal with jealousy from your current partner if you still remain close to your ex.

6. You CANNOT go right away from being intimate to just being friends. You need a lengthy period apart to make the transition feel natural.

7. The books "Letting Go," "Exoricising Your Ex," and "How to Fall Out of Love" are excellent reads if you're having trouble detaching emotionally from your ex. The last book is especially useful--if you can get past the outdated '70s feminist attitude.

8. And remember....odds are REALLY stacked against you for being "just friends" with your ex. So for Pete's sake, don't force it if it ain't gonna happen.

I think I am about to find out....

My wife and I have recently separated. We don't fight, or argue but something in the past wont go away and the love and trust has gone.

We have been apart for a little while and everytime we speak about it we say it's important to do this amicably and that it would be nice if we retained some kind of friendship out of it.

On the one hand I think that it would be nice but on the other I wonder if it's maybe the kind of thing you say at times like this to make each other feel better but that it's not reality. We don't have children, so in that respect there is nothing to keep us together.

Time will tell I guess...

RocknRollisalive said:

If the "love and trust" is gone, it's doubtful that you can truly be friends. However, you can certainly stay friendly. I'm sorry to hear about that, man. I've been there...and it's not a fun place to be.

Case said:

i agree

well, my boyfriend has said that i don't have ex-es, i have friends. does that answer your question?

Case said:

Some very intersting points there.... thanks just kind of backs up where I think I am already!

What Case said about having to be apart to be able to be friends again... unfortunately one or both of you may turn into diff people meanwhile... Christian (my ex who turned into an asshole while I wasn't looking)

Teacher said:

Very true, Teach. But that seperation is the litmus test for whether or not you can be friends. People always change in that pupil stage, going from lovers to just friends. And often...it's an adjustment that can't be made.

Case said:

Yes. I mean, I changed too, A LOT, during the time C and I didn't speak civilly, but I didn't turn into an asshole... well at least not in my opinion I was never rude to him, just a couple months ago I called him to say hi and he was really rude to me like I'd done something Guess who won't be calling him again?

Teacher said:

Men are babies when it comes to breakups. Even though he no doubt had something to do with the breakup and MAY have even been the one to initiate it, he still is going to see it as YOU breaking HIS heart.

Men suck. I'm embarrassed to be one.

Case said:

No, he doesn't claim that I broke his heart, cos he confessed to never having loved me that way. So he's as whole of heart as he was before our 4 years together.

Teacher said:

Well, then the guy's just an asshole, Jen. But I've gotten burned like that too. My first love told me a few years ago that she never loved me. If that didn't sting like a motherfucker....cuz I loved the hell out of that girl.

Case said:

Speak for yourself.

cuntroversial said:

I never speak for anyone else...

Hello

I'm extremely sceptical about it. I've shared memories that made me and my exes both laugh or cry, and it's time to take those experiences, put them in my back pocket and move on. Me and my exes have always felt the need to promise to stay friends, which ultimately have lead to more broken promises.

As hard as I've tried to stay friends with exes, I can't really confide in them. Out of respect for them, I couldn't tell an ex how great the sex is with my new partner or what you love about them. You can't even tell your ex that the reason you're smiling so much is because you're current beau gives you the most amazing sex ever! On the flip side, I couldn't tell them if my current girlfriend ever let me down thanks to my sense of pride.

Remaining friends seems to provide us with the security blanket that the person who has been in our life will still be there, and we can call on them every once in a while to find out how they are. But we'll never actually know how they really are.

Since breakups are rarely one-sided, I'll be honest, I've felt resentment or bitterness towards certain exes. Even if me or her were feigning friendship, maybe I wasn't sincerely her friend and vice versa. Also, where there's bitterness, there's jealousy. And the truth of the matter is, I think it's hard to be sincerely happy for your ex when they've just found the new love of their life.

I think it's human nature to be jealous or resentful when our ex finds a new person to shag or more hurtful in my opinion, to cuddle up next to. Even if I don't have feelings for them anymore. It's painful and sad in that if it's been mean who has been dumped, I've felt that I'm in a race to find the new lover first. Either way, it still hurts to see them with someone else, even if I've been the one who dumped them.

I've been in a situation where, although the relationship was problem-ridden, the passion and sexual chemistry between us still existsed. As such, I've jumped back into bed with exes before. But it's not made me feel any better in the long run. It just brought me right back to square one; particularly when I was getting over the breakup.

I still find it hard to delete exes from my mobile. No longer making that daily goodnight call. Just small things like that you know. In the long run it doesn't help though because I was allowing them to be a constant im my life as making it even harder to move on with my life, meet new people and turn a fresh page. I think it's a better idea to leave things with pleasant memories of the other person, rather than drag the potentially doomed relationship back to the fore I've found.

In a pefect world, the ideal would be for me and my exes to succeed at being friends, but in one where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, I find it usually impossible. I've never been the best of friends before with an ex; never been in a relationship where both of us broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup; both have no qualms about either of us seeing new people, and have both instilled a total honesty policy. As such, I've found itbetter to leave the friendship behind, along with the memories.
[Edited 2/26/05 16:24pm]

I'm good friends with one of my exes. This is only possible if you don't want to shag him/her anymore.
[Edited 2/27/05 7:42am]

How close is "close"?

I think it's possible to stay friends, not close ones necessarily but that's possible too over time. When you try to stay close right after the breakup y'all just end up fucking & having the same bullshit scenarios you had when you were together (only now w/ an extra layer of insecurity) so wait for that to pan out or avoid it altogether...

Ace said:

My ex and I are best friends...and I know for damn sure that we'd still shag one another if we weren't smart enough to know that it's the wrong thing to do.
The desire to keep an amazing person in your life has to conciously be put before the animalistic desire to shag.

Don't know.

I'd like to think the answer is yes.

Sweeny79 said:

It's not easy, but can be so worth it. My friend's parents were divorced a few years ago and they are still best friends...they even set one another up on dates and spend holidays together!

Haven't succeeded yet.
I'm still in touch with one. Friendly and all in e-mails. But I think she's just being polite, more than really want to stay friends.

i'm not friends with any of my exes. I broke up with them and all of the break ups were bitter and ended with me cutting them completely off after the breakup. My very first boyfriend though tried to keep a friendship with me, and I agreed but it wasn't very long before i cut it off because it then turned into him trying to trick me into being with him again.

Plus i think his version of "friendship" consisted of us still having sex if he couldn't have me as a girlfriend again, and i definitely didn't want to degrade myself like that.

The guy i'm with now i was friends with for 4 years and 5 months ago we decided to just be together instead. If we ever broke up, i don't know if i would still like to be friends with him, it probably depends on how we would breakup if we were to breakup. To me, its easier to just let the guy go and cut him off...

Everything is possible