For the first time in my recent life... I have chosen to focus on the good of humanity, the good I can present to others... I have done much throughout my life... although never quite like this.

I will continue to move forth...

Spending much of my time and focus at work...(no desire in dating) UGH, it has taken it's share of energy out of me.

This is more my desired focus...

I became quite close with a patient, I may have mentioned to some... her name is Joy,... a beautiful 64 year old lady/soul. I have known her for nearly a year... she was diagnosed last April with Leukemia and spent the last 3 months in the hospital... only going home for a day or so...

Day in and day out... I would go into Joy's room... and take her meal options... and little by little... I got to know her. Her situation was different due to her husband terminal illness and her daughter staying home the majority of the time to care for her father. Joy spent a lot of time alone... I mean physically alone. Truly I met at least a handful of people over the past year...

I simply could not endure the thought of her being alone... and even to die alone... I am too aware of time and how our time here on earth can be gone before we truly may know.

This was the case for Joy...

I spent the past 3 months visiting her after work... during my breaks... taking in games to play and even watching movies with her.

We shared so much... I spent so much time simply listening to her life... and her memories of the past... growing up, how she met her husband... her 20 some years as a computer anaylsis, she truly had a brilliant mind... and so positive... it was painful, but beautiful to see. She became a beautiful friend of mine...

The past few weeks I was a literal mess... a emotional mess... for I saw Joy deteriorate before my eyes...

She had developed an infection on her eye after she convinced her Oncologist to allow her to go home... she had to talk with her family, in private... about possible arrangement... be more prepared. She was only home a day... or so and returned with an infection that left her right eye/face protruding, swollen, red with infection and oozing with blood... she looked like she was in a major car accident damaging the majority right side of her face. Her eyes are such a beautiful crystal blue... it was an emotional shock to see such a change in just a few days since I last saw her... before she went home for only a day or so.

I knew this was not good... although I remained optimistic... she had nearly passed several times in ICU and came back... she was such a fighter and a beautiful strong woman... although a part of me saw the exhaustion her soul contained... tired of fighting... tired of being in the state she was in... and not able to be with her husband, her family... the verbal expressions of her life as meaningless... useless... (she would express this to me, especially during her last few weeks of life)

Just last week... I started sitting with her... I would ask her if she minded me to simply come and sit... she wanted me to visit...

So I would go in... hold her hand... and read... she was more tired at this time... her appetite disappearing...

Just last Saturday, I helped her to the bathroom... quite possibly for the last time... I told her I would get the nurse and she insisted I stay and simply stand nearby... for she could make it herself. ~Sigh... so I helped her... supported her balance while holding her under her arms... and slowly but surely we make it. I waited and while she finish... she tried to stand up and adjust herself... and lost her balance... falling back and against the seat supporter... she began to cry... I am crying just thinking of her... right now... but I am well... it is just painful to feel such pain... to see someone have no control of life...

...

I hugged her at that very moment... we cried... I just couldn't keep it in anymore... after she settled some... I got her back to bed...

We talked some... she mainly had words of hopelessness... and eventually I left her to rest... hugged her and left...

A mess....

The next day I had to get outdoors... I had to get outside... and I have some pictures of last Sunday... for I knew the week ahead... was going to be the hardest by far.

Monday came... I received the news... Joy was going to Hospice... the next day...

I left that day without giving Joy a hug... I just could not face her at that moment... I couldn't be strong like I needed to be... for her.

Tuesday came... I did not want to be on the Oncology Floor... I did not want to see them take her out of the hospital....

I told one of the nurses... a dear friend as well... I could not see Joy leave...

She later told me what time was scheduled for Hospice to come...

...

I entered her room before noon... not assuming Joy would see me be aware of my presence... she was falling into that unconscious state... or so we think... only the ones experiencing that moment truly know... I believe they know... they hear... they feel... even if they cannot express in a verbal/physical sense.

Joy caught my presence... she immediately said..."I missed you, I missed you...", my heart broke into a million pieces at that very moment. ( I did not say goodnight the night before...) or perhaps those words were in relation to the beautiful friendship we have forever created...

I hugged her... and the words said then... well... at that moment... I wanted to be the one going not her... (I mean that)

She said, "They are going to flush me down the toliet today"... want could I say... want could I possibly say...

...

I hugged her like never before... I felt her warmth... I smelled her sterile beautiful skin... I felt her beautiful soul... I wanted to hold on to her soul... forever... and I believe/know I will.

Joy passed the next night...

The very next day... I had to face work again... and I faced it with a sense of peace... to believe Joy was at her own peace.

Lately I have had this beautiful sense of energy... I feel it to be Joy... pushing me forward... she was a big encourager as well... knew of my goals to teach, work with children... move forward with my life... while cherishing every single moment getting there.

I can smile with a new sense of breath.

I feel more complete than I have in a very long time.

Julie...I can't find the words...
This is a beautiful story!

I think Joy recognised a beatiful soul in you too!!

Life is short...live it at its fullest!!



[Edited 2/16/05 7:59am]

Thank you!

~ smiles softly and turns her thoughts inward ~

That was a really touching story.
Beautiful souls tend to reach out to each other.

Keep a peaceful heart, Julie...

She gave you the best of her love!

That was a very sweet thread Julie.