What the Super Bowl can teach us about men touching men
Peter Hartlaub

If you really want to know what happens at the bottom of a football pileup, look no further than "It's Raining Men," an article in last week's Sports Illustrated. Out of nine players asked to describe the scene, four made graphic references to a genital-grabbing free-for-all.

"Mike Vrabel had my testicles in his hand, and he was squeezing them," Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Ike Reese told the magazine, as if he were dictating a letter to Penthouse Forum. "Guys reach inside the face mask to gouge your eyes. But the biggest thing is the grabbing of the testicles. It's crazy."

There are many variables going into Sunday's Super Bowl game between the New England Patriots and the Eagles -- from Terrell Owens' injured ankle to the Patriots' depleted secondary to Donovan McNabb's ability to win the big game. But as long as 22 players take the field, a few things are sure: Buttocks will be enthusiastically patted, players will celebrate by jumping into each other's arms and even more men will dive on giant pileups and desperately grasp for each other's privates.

Looking at the entire year of television, is there a more homoerotic three hours than the Super Bowl? And with 100 million Americans set to watch this year's most celebrated display of hot man-on-man action, is there a better time to explore society's complex and outdated rulebook on male touching?

Take the endless hours a straight woman spends mentally planning her wedding, and multiply that by 10. That's how much time the heterosexual male devotes to worrying about touching other guys. No matter how disorganized the rest of our lives may be, men are constantly reorganizing the mental Rolodex that determines how much physical contact will be tolerated by each family member and friend -- all in an effort to avoid that dreaded awkward moment.

Every man has a couple of friends who demand a warm handshake and a hug even when you run into them at the newspaper stand (these people are referred to as "Clintons" in male-touching parlance). Some of us know men who would limit their greetings to fist and arm bashes at a funeral (the "Cansecos"). But most male greetings fall into more complicated shades of gray.

Your father-in-law likes a good firm handshake, but under no circumstances will he embrace another man. Your Bob Seger-blaring next-door neighbor prefers to bump tightly closed fists, and if you make too much eye contact, he'll accuse you of being gay. That white guy in human resources who thinks he's black wants a soul handshake, and will repeatedly demand you "show him some love" if it isn't followed by a hug.

The rules are long and often make no sense, but they can be simplified into a male touching playbook.

1. It's less awkward to embrace when lots of men are around: Two uncivilized heterosexual guys alone in a room never know what to say to each other, and will almost never hug lest someone walk in and assume they're lovers. But as more people are watching, they're willing to experiment with arms around the shoulders, playful ruffling of hair and other friendly physical contact.

2. The manlier the activity, the more spontaneous touching is acceptable: This is something men experience when playing sports, drinking low-quality beer and engaging in other bonding rituals. I recall a recent Las Vegas bachelor party where no one got a lap dance, but a hotel-streaking incident turned into a weekend-long all-male group discussion on the tightness of each other's posteriors.

3. In moments of extreme happiness, stress and imminent peril, embracing another man is OK: In other words, while it may create an awkward situation to give another man a little sugar when he's departing for the supermarket, a hug is a wonderful thing if someone is leaving for an independent contracting job in Fallujah.

Combined, these rules begin to explain why football is such a male grope- a-thon. Because: 1) there are so many people watching, 2) the players are doing manly things, and 3) the pressure is so high, there's nothing participants can do except take turns jumping into each other's eagerly waiting arms.

For more proof of the difference between civilians and athletes, men can try the following workplace experiment: Find your largest co-worker, wait until he's bending to pick something up, press your palms together and then thrust them underneath his buttocks -- resting your fingers a few centimeters away from his privates as you scream a few random numbers.

Still employed? In football you might be starting at quarterback. That exact scene will be played out more than 100 times on Sunday.

When it comes to male touching, there's a huge gap between the average pro athlete and the average fan. But does it need to be that way? Is there any good reason why you can't let a co-worker leap into your arms and spin him around a few times after he closes a major deal? Why not give your brother-in- law a healthy swat on the butt after he helps you install that new hot tub?

And wouldn't we all like to celebrate our personal triumphs the way Owens did when he was a 49er -- grabbing the pom-poms from the hands of the nearest Gold Rush cheerleader and swishing them in the air for a few fabulous moments?

Testicle-grabbing aside, maybe these guys are good role models after all.

This is awesome!!!

I bet you they don't even call the next day.

brilliant!

Haha!!!!

Great now what do I do.....


I'm so lucky to have some non-homophobic straight male friends who come up and give me a hug and a kiss when I see them. There is hope.


Miguel

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

Cool str8 guys RULE! I love those who r comfortable enough with their sexuality that U can have physical contact with them and they don't get all wierd on U. Of course, the downside of that is those r the 1's U always wind up falling 4. Or maybe that's just me...

I laughed!

Thanks in advance!

althom said:

You're welcome.

npgmaverick said:

You're right. That happens to me too. But fear not HETERO MALES, we tend to get over it.

Hey, how many people have experienced the "skip a theater seat hetero male practice" 'Cause you know if you're straight you have no business sitting right next to me. Heaven forbid our hands meet in the greasy bucket of popcorn.


Miguel

MIGUELGOMEZ said:

SO TRUE! My business partner and I see movies 2gether all the time. We call that "The Gay Seat" U can tell immediately who will use it when they walk in2 the theatre. Once we saw 6 or 7 guys take up their own row!

npgmaverick said:

Haha!!!

Why did this sentence in your response excite me "Once we saw 6 or 7 guys take up their own row! "

I've seen people actually argue about not sitting right next to them. It's so crazy to me.


Miguel