I decided to come back and cut my post down a bit coz my original was just venting.

I was just wondering if any of you at one time of your life had problems just attracting the wrong people or maybe the wrong vibe? What I don't understand is why a person would befriend another just to constantly criticize him/her.
Do any of you share this problem of befriending the wrong people or maybe creating a negative, dysfunctional "vibe" in your friendships?
[Edited 1/28/05 19:38pm]

i like to think that i've gotten better at maintaining friendships with healthy people and cutting out people who seem 'toxic' or overly negative, without being arrogant or judgmental about it.

i think with time, you get too tired to humor people who bring discomfort to your life, and you learn how to distance yourself from those people with some kind of grace and tact.

Sorry, it's too long for me to read, so I'll just say this:

I don't attract anybody. wrong or right. so I never had that problem.

Anxiety said:

Yeah, I agree. But my big problem is that I'm older: I'm 34, and I'm just realizing that these relationshiops are toxic. I've been friends with this woman for a very, very long time, a decade. And the other friends that I'm talking about are long-time friends,too. I'm completely serious when I say that these message boards have given me a new type of confidence. I think in the past, I've just gone along with what she and a few others have had to say. But I'm tired of that now. I just don't understand why these people are "attracted" to me in the first place, just to tear me down. I don't know really how to explain it. And maybe I didn't articulate that thought very well in my original post.

Yep, I'm gonna have to make some changes. And unfortunately, I may have to walk away from a very long friendship. But I'm tired of being criticized for no good reason. Anyway, I'm very fortunate that my husband builds me up. He has ALWAYS had conficdence in me. But I don't know why on Earth that I didn't see this "toxic" quality in my friend before. I wish I would have walked away sooner, but I just didn't want to lose a friend.

My friends are very important to me, so I tend to group up with others who aren't critical of other friends like myself. Heck, without some of the friends I've had through the years, I wouldn't even be alive today. I owe some of them my life. I haven't had the problem of winding up with "bad" friends, fortunately.

Isel said:

I too have a toxic friend. She's so toxic she wouldn't even begin to understand the reality of her toxicity & my feelings about it My solution is probably not the healthiest b/c it takes up more of my energy than I feel should be exerted in a true friendship. I just distance myself from her - pick & choose the times when I DO feel like talking to her, hanging out, etc. I've known her over 20 years & I do still like her very much & care about her, I just can't take her shit all the time & wish she would cultivate more positivity in her life. I also make a point to let her know when I'm feeling uneasy about something she's saying or doing (that's the energy sapping part) so that even if she doesn't "get it" I've said my peace. If nothing else maybe it'll register later on

Also, 10 years seems like a long time but people can still surprise you w/ some brand new bullshit in that span of time If this person is truly a drag & you can't express your feelings about the way she treats you w/o her genuinely caring & changing her behavior, it's time to cut it loose or at least distance yourself for a while. Though it shouldn't have to be said, friendships need standards like any other relationship. Give your time & energy to people who know that inherently & respect it. You deserve that!

Hope it all works out

I don't seem to have this problem, but my wife always seems to make friends with people who then let her down. As a result, she doesn't really have one single person (besides family) to call her friend.

Fauxie said:

Is she too trusting too quick?

CalhounSq said:

I think so, but it just to do with making friends in the wrong places. In Bangkok there are of course many people who'd make good friends, but not especially in bars in Khao San Road. People she knew from 5 years ago are still there, now out drinking every night, partying, some taking drugs, sleeping around. I have a love hate relationship with Khao San Road as it has lots of great memories for me from when I first came to Thailand as a backpacker, and being the place where I met my wife, but I don't think it's a place where u can find good friends easily. It is easy to think every girl is a prostitute and every guy just there to screw a different girl every night, when of course there are backpackers on their travels, people like myself coming back to visit an old haunt, and Thais coming from other parts of Bangkok to party on the weekend, but still it's not the best place to find people you can trust. Anybody who has been to KSR would understand what I'm talking about. I think my wife just needs to forget some of the people she knew from before who have fallen into that sleazy life in KSR because none of them are reliable and truly care about her. She did sometimes go to church with her sister, and made a couple of friends, but since turning back towards Buddhism no longer has any contact with them. Maybe I should suggest she contacts them again.

Thanks for your story. Maybe I have the same type of problem, but it's not that these friends are caught up in something sleazy or bad.

I started teaching at a really young age, 21. So many of the friends that I have through teaching are more like mentors and are much older than I am. In fact, the specific woman that I am thinking about is quite a bit older than I.
So maybe that's the problem with our relationship and maybe a few others that I have in mind. My friend was more like a "mother" or at the very least an older sister. In the past, maybe I kind of set-up that type of relationship, but I don't want a mother or a mentor anymore. I just want some people that I can have fun with and support me. My husbands friends are like that.
Well fortunately, I have a couple friends now who are more my age, but I'm very sad to let other past friendships that I developed over years go coz they meant a lot to me at the time and still do in a way. So I told my husband, that I will always honor this person, and if she ever needed any help, I'd be there in a minute. But I just can't keep associating with someone, even if she lives out-of-town, who apparently doesn't respect my choices or maybe doesn't even like me.

Well, thanks again for sharing your wife's story. It really made me think.

CalhounSq said:

Thank you so much. Yeah, I've tried to express my feelings couple of times, but she quits speaking to me. Well, she quit speaking to me again, and this time, I'll forgive, but I won't forget. As I said in my preceding post, the woman is much older than I coz when I started teaching I was very, very young and tended to make older friends coz frankly there weren't that many younger teachers at the school at which I first began my career. Plus, I needed some support and guidance coz I was a little overwhelmed my first couple of years. So with this friend and a few others from my past, maybe the dynamic has changed coz we literally don't have much in common anymore.

Anyway, I will always be there is she ever needs me, but I'm gonna have to move on.

Thanks again for sharing your advice and story. I appreciate it.