I have the e-mail address of my ex-girlfriend..but should I contact her?

Here are the three options I have:

1) Leave it in the past. Don't go opening a can of worms.

2) Ask my wife how she would feel about me contacting her and if she is OK with it, go for it. After all, there is no romantic/sexual reason for me wanting to contact my ex, it just feels like life is too short to let good friends get away, you know? At the same time, it is important that my wife understands that I am not going behind her back or doing anything wrong, so I have to be open with her about what I am doing.

3) Contact my ex - after all there'd be nothing bad going on so why not? - but don't tell my wife. She's bound to take it the wrong way and get jealous, even though she has no reason to.


I am happily married and have no interest in raking up past emotions. I just miss someone who was, long before we got involved, a good platonic friend.



What would you do?

I did it. It might bring some trouble so TELL your significant other first. But it's worth it.

Contact her and then tell your wife.

I think you might want to mention her to your wife and see what reaction you get first

I agree that life is too short to let friends slip away that you care for and want to stay in touch with. I also have felt how you are feeling regarding your ex, so I really understand where you're coming from.

The added dimension that she's an ex can complicate things though, for sure, despite the fact you harbor no romantic feelings for her.

I say contact her, but like mrdespues said - TELL your wife about it FIRST. Your wife comes before any other friends or potential friends (at least that's my take on a marriage) and you shouldn't ever do anything that could shake her faith in your honesty with her, or hurt her.

If you've always been honest with your wife and you have a solid marriage, your wife shouldn't be jealous or take your intentions towards your ex the wrong way, I don't think. But...do you know if your ex might still have any unresolved emotions for YOU that might make your wife uncomfortable? That'd be an issue that might give me pause - were I in your place - and make me wonder if rekindling any sort of friendship would be wise.

At any rate, good luck and I hope everything works out! I truly do know what it's like to miss an old friend and want to reconnect.

SnowQueen said:

I agree with everyone so far who says that I should make sure my wife is comfortable with it first and that she should be my number one priority

As for feelings for me on my ex's part, my wife has no need to fear on that front - it was my ex who ended the relationship. However, logic and reason don't always rule the heart and I think my wife would still be a little worried (it doesn't help that my ex is now single again, I guess), just because she is like that. Maybe that shows a little insecurity on her part, but no-one is perfect!


Keep the thoughts coming, I am finding this very interesting

Why?

SnowQueen said:

..but the thing is that he should never have to choose between his wife and his friends. It's pretty fucked up if his wife would put him in that kind of situation. Sure, she's probably not going to be very enthusiastic, but who would really? BUT her insecurities should not get in the way of his happiness.

PS: personally I say fuck old friends, there's a reason why they're not "friends" anymore which you will find out once you get back in touch with them. Just catching up and finding out how someone is doing is fine, but don't expect everything to be the same as before. ...but that's just my opinion.
[Edited 1/18/05 3:10am]

REDFEATHERS said:

Why what? Why would I contact her or why do I find this interesting?

JoweeCoco said:

Hmmm Interesting stuff...I could probably agree with this last point...I will have to give that some thought.....

JoweeCoco said:

I agree that just because a person is married doesn't mean they can't/shouldn't pursue and have outside friendships with anyone they would like.

HOWEVER (and these is only my personal opinions), I am of the mind that a marriage means you have to always put that other person first in terms of how you navigate your life and the choices you make, and if doing something makes your spouse very uncomfortable or has the potential to cause problems, then I wouldn't do that particular whatever-it-is..at least not at that point in time.

And speaking directly to RockandRollDave's wife insecurities - well, I'm sure his wife wouldn't want to "get in the way of his happiness", but sometimes when you're married you have make allowances for your spouse's quirks or eccentricies or issues...and if you don't want to do that and doing so (always having to consider another person, I mean) starts crimping the way you want ti live your life, then maybe you shouldn't be married at all or, at least, you need to reevaluate your marriage.

I must say I can't see how anybody who truly loves and cares for their spouse would EVER do - or WANT to do - anything behnd their spouse's back, just for their own "happiness"'s sake. Honesty and trust are the foundations of a strong, successful marriage. Being dishonest and sneaky is only asking for future trouble.

Marriage is about give and take, continually learning more about yourself and your partner and yep..sometimes making sacrifices or doing things in the best interest of the marriage and doing what you can to MAKE your marriage a successful partnership.

Maybe this particular situation, if handled the right way, might strenthen Dave and his wife's marriage and bring them even closer and, in the best case scenario, bring an old friend back into his life and a new one into his wife's.

But suggesting he should do something duplicitous and sneaky, IMO, is wrong. Especially if he knows that his wife might be hurt. If he's up front and honest with his wife and she still freaks out about it, then he'll have to decide which is more important to him right now - rekindling a friendship with his ex, or working to build and strengthen his wife's comfort level in regards to his desire to reconnect with his ex.

Just my thoughts.
[Edited 1/18/05 3:25am]

RocknRollDave said:

why contact her? I would say move on and cherish what you got with your wife.. like Jowee said fuck old friends..

..and I dont mean literally

REDFEATHERS said:

RocknRollDave said:

Oh and contact NEW friends..

REDFEATHERS said:

...waht, and fuck them instead..?

irresistibleb1tch said:

I agree, Your wife may gain a new friend too but on the other hand they might not get along and this might cause some difficulties. Would you be cool about your wife contacting an ex boyfriend?

I'd discuss it with your wife first and see how she feels about it.

...
[Edited 1/18/05 3:47am]

RocknRollDave said:

irresistibleb1tch said:

irresistibleb1tch said:

phew!

no way!

RocknRollDave said:

i would show my husband ( your wife ) this very letter...the whole thing

requesting not to talk on it for 24 hrs...

then after the thoughts of a day pass ... calmly chat about your feelings and desires

and remember to stand in your wifes shoes...if it were her asking this of you ...

peace and good luck

Mach




.
[Edited 1/18/05 4:15am]

Total test of trust on your wife's part.. do you think she needs that right now?

CinisterCee said:

I'd leave it mate. Its likely to end up being a negative move. I dont think my partner would like it much and it would only bring up past feelings of hurt. The past is the past. Cherish the memories of the good times you had and leave it behind you.

JDINTERACTIVE said:

I'd also side with this. Cherish/revisit the memories, but don't necessarily re-visit the person. Things have changed.

I wouldn't do it if I were you.

Whatever you're expecting to happen probably won't happen.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes, and honestly ask yourself if you would be ok with it if the tables were turned.

CinisterCee said:

Plus, there's a reason that she's an EX, and people tend to forget this when they're feeling all nostalgic and shit.

No way... leave it alone. Very, very, very bad idea.

If your sure your ex wouldn't get carried away with feelings and such, I would go with scenario number 2 thst you posted. BUT, if your wife doesn't like the idea, then can it.

AzureStarr said:

I agree. An ex is an ex. I can't imagine your wife being happy with this.