I just finished watching this piece of garbage. Anyone else see it?

Yeah, I know, it's not Tarantino's like he directed it or whatever, but damn if it doesn't have his paw prints all over it: that fetishistic view of Chinese culture; that giddy adolescent delight in sword-play that never goes anywhere... all that was missing was a "Kung-Fu" lunchbox used as a missile.

(I'm still regretting every minute I didn't fast-forward through Kill Bill volumes 1 and 2 (not that those minutes were many). If I had to write a 6 word review of those stinkers they would be as follows: "Kill Bill?: No. Kill me. Please.")

Anyway, Hero. I guess there was a story of sorts. It had to do with how clever swordsmen (and women) can be; how many arrows they can bat out of mid-air during any given onslaught (apparently a lot); how assasins can crash with impugnity a tyrant's fortress and count coup on his ass. It also had to do with how much billowly clothing one person can wear when fighting the forces of the tyrant of Qin.

But the more important story seemed to be, How much more can we milk out of the fluke success of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?

Yeah okay, Kung-Fu is like a dance of sort; and sure there's a nobility of a kind in the warrior lifestyle. But it's like this movie wanted to have some sort of a serious political message -- some bullshit like "it often takes a tyrant to bring order to a land" -- but no one involved with the movie could be arsed to think seriously enough about the connection between art and politics to make this message coherent.

So what do they do? Cut to the flowing billowy clothes and random horserides through what looks like Tatooine.

It sure ain't earth.

but billowy=pretty

CarrieMpls said:

Yes! But is it good for sword-fighting!?!?

2the9s said:

Well, for pretty sword-fighting it would, I imagine.

Are there any sex scenes?

CarrieMpls said:

But we're not talking about so-called "pretty" sword-fighting!! We're talking about assualting the freaking fortress of the emporer of Qin!

That's not about pretty!

2the9s said:

But there's always time for fashion. Even when storming the freaking fortress.

CarrieMpls said:

Where does this time come from though!? That's what I want to know! Don't these sword-people spend all their time practicing and planning how they are going to attack the emporer of Qin and such??

Where do they get the time to sew these billowy clothes!

It doesn't make any sense! Though I see your point about fashion. Don't think I'm insensitive to fashion. I'm all about fashion!

IS.....THERE.....A.....SEX.....SCENE?

2the9s said:

They probably nip out to the tailor just before breakfast. They just didn't show that part in the movie, cause, well, who really wants to see that?

CarrieMpls said:

That doesn't seem very realistic though! (Not that spinning yourself through the air as you chop your way through the guard of the emporer of Qin is realistic. )

I don't know. If I was a nameless swordsman from the province of Zhao, I would ask my tailor to make something that would hold my package a little more tightly! That's all I'm saying!

2the9s said:

Well, point taken, but "style before comfort" has always been the Zhaoian nameless swordsmans' motto.

CarrieMpls said:

Well excuuuuuse me if I am more of a "fella from the outskirts of Qin" kind of guy! It's quite possible to: A) Be stylish B) have your package wrapped tightly and C) whoop ass on the imperial guard of the emperor of Qin!

You make it sound like these are mutually exclusive things!

2the9s said:

Not mutually exclusive, just more aesthetically pleasing. And, a few of them could use a bit of airing out down there, if you know what I mean. And of course, they are also provided with plenty of talc to prevent chafing. That's standard issue. Comes with the sword.

CarrieMpls said:

Oh my God... You don't know that! You don't know that they are given talc! It seems like a pretty strict regime! Which, by the way, is why there are so many assassins around!

Again, you make a very good point (re: talc and fashion and such), but your opinions are not really historically grounded in the day to day life of the Qin dynasty! And thus you make some pretty outlandish claims! I'm just saying!

2the9s said:

well, I never!

CarrieMpls said:

Meet me by the rocks of Qao and we'll fix that.

2the9s said:

Best bring your sword then!
























That didn't come out right.

Okay, the Chinese let me down last night. Tonight I am going to watch Ju-On, or whatever it's called.

It seems that there is no Tarantino involvement, which is promising.

It was very beutiful. Too arty 4 me.

Quentin had nothing to do with it really.....co producer or something? That ain't shit.....
[Edited 1/15/05 17:54pm]

Just go and watch some Kurosawa instead.

Fauxie said:

I just watched Seven Samurai a few days ago and it is excellent.

I also watched Rashomon, which isnt a martial arts film, but is an absolutely fantastic film. I have Yojimbo here too which I will probably watch tonight.

I bet "Hero" is a great film as I know that 2the9s has absolutely no good taste in films of the action variety (see Kill Bill, Matrix etc).

I bet the word "billowy" is really happy to be used so many times.
...I just want to see the chicks fight.

I was disappointed too. I didn't realize Quentin had his greasy paws on this film. A friend of mine who's a HUGE of Martial art films reccomended this one to me. He said it was one of the best he's seen in years, so that had me expecting something exceptional. Man, was he wrong. Though, he did have this release on video about a year before it hit the theaters in the U.S. Maybe they edited out all of the good part.

sinisterpentatonic said:

He had nothing to do with making this film at all. He was brought in to "introduce" the film to American audiences. If his name is attached then more people are likely to see it (after the success of the Kill Bill films).

I believe that this film was released in China a couple of years before the US release and is the most successful film ever in that country.

bkw said:

Seriously, it reeked of him. Crouching Tiger was much better.

The only Kurosawa I have seen was Kurosawa's Dreams (was that him, or was that an homage or something? ) Is Seventh Samurai good?

bkw said:

I had Rashoman for a while, but never watched it. Don't know where it is now.

I watched Red Beard and that was good. My brother recommends Ran.

2the9s said:

Seven Samurai is one of the greatest films of all time. It revolutionised the action genre. I think the internet movie database has this listed as the fourth best film of all time.

It was made in 1952 and shows its age, but has a much copied plot and has alot of heart. It is long but never boring. You must see this one!

bkw said:

I tried watching this one once, but went to sleep. I'll have to try watching it again one day.

bkw said:

I would think Jet Li's name would've been enough to get peoples attention in the states.