I've always been shy, but I think I'm turning into some kind of reclusive hermit. So many days spent sat on my balcony reading books about abstract philosophy, drinking G&T, smoking too many cigarettes and not interacting with people with more than a handful of words at a time has left me completely incapable of living like normal people do. I seem to have made my own little world where everything is surreal and abstract and just buying a bottle of green tea and smiling at people is a challenge. I've managed to construct a void whereby I'm able to live each day without really doing anything at all, and oddly enough it's not only possible but shows no sign of ceasing. I'm a member of nothing (except p.org ), am barely traceable, and almost feel like I don't exist. I'm never where I'm supposed to be, never who I say I am, never doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I've fallen out of the system and am too contented/scared to get back in.

it happens to people who are above the norm in intelligence a lot.

are you happy ?

Mach said:

Yes. Too happy.

Ya gotta start socializing again, it's not healthy.

luv4u said:

also, think about bathing first, and trimming those toenails, howard hughes.
[Edited 2/4/05 19:16pm]

Try getting a job.

Fauxie said:

I know exactly how you feel. I've always been shy too...and being unemployed for so long left me isolated a lot of the time...I began to slip back into bad habits of not wanting or being able to talk with people in public...even talking with my friends was difficult sometimes. You really need to force yourself to go out each day for at least an hour to get in some social interaction. If you ever want to talk about it...let me know

applekisses said:

Thanks.

Trouble is, my life is too easy. I never thought it could be so. Now it's this wonderfully unnerving existence.

A job would do it, I guess. But even when I was working I found myself sat alone in the office, not interacting with people, caught up in thoughts about everything but work. For about 6 months I taught at a school without really ever being there. I just kinda ghosted in and out, lessons were taught, but I was never really engaged. Almost felt like I was shutting down all but about 10% of my brain.

Not good.

Fauxie said:

Shy is okay. Being happy being with yourself is okay too....If you are content, how bad can it be? We all need different things to make us happy. There are plenty of ways to enrich your life without interacting with people face to face. Only you can know if you are content or scared?

What real world?

Sounds great to me

CalhounSq said:

Figures.

I don't get away from the orgnotes though. It ain't all gravy. Sure does get dull though.

how do you pronounce fauxie - is it foey or folksy?

charlottegelin said:

aux is oh.

You've probably realized that people suck. Hello everyone this is my first ever post at the "org"(That'll be the last time I use quotes for org). I'm sure that Prince fans don't suck.

CloverThePoet said:

GREAT sig! I just got a tattoo of Bowie's face on my arm!

Fauxie said:

Faux...if you get to Ohio or Michigan, drop me a line. Sounds like we could be buds.

I don't live in a vacuum, but living in the so-called "real world" has never interested me. My old man used to yell at me for my refusal to be interested in what the "mainstream" does. But fuck the "real world."

The real world watches "American Idol," made Britney Spears wealthy, goes to church, voted Bush into office, believes capitalism is the end-all and be-all of human existance, and kept "The Nanny" on the air for 5 seasons.

Fuck the "real world." As far as I'm concerned, your only obligation in life is to pay your rent, treat your spouse and kids well (and provide for them) and pay taxes. THAT'S IT! So do those things...and forget everything else about the "real world."

"If I want to see freaks, all I have to do is walk outside."
--Johnny Eck (a famous sideshow freak)

subhuman09 said:

.....There really isn't one. Some of us just like to pretend so we have an excuse to get up outta the chair.

Fauxie said:

MY GOD!! I am not alone... Fauxie (and others here) you have completely described a situation that I am rapidly spiralling into... luckily I am aware just as you are and I am making efforts to stop this before it's too late... Ironically, only a few years back I was always the life of the party and someone who everyone wanted to be friends with because I was so positive, down to earth and quite simply approachable.. it just never occurred to me to judge anyone..

Thank you Fauxie, for reinforcing my desire to bring back, what I believe, the wonderful person I once was (whoah that's the deepest I have gotten in a while)
[Edited 2/5/05 17:50pm]

FIML said:

You're welcome. Thanks for posting.

Case said:

Hey Case. Bangkok is quite a way from Ohio. Don't find myself there too often, to be honest.

I agree with nearly all of what u said. I feel no obligation to embrace those elements pop culture u mentioned if they don't interest me.

My 'problems' are compounded by living in Thailand. I could never live the life I do here, in the west, and I'm not really a full citizen here, and while away from the UK not there either. Living here is a life of visa runs, visa services, money stuffed in envelopes and all manner of odd little quirks. It's a good thing in some ways, but feels odd to not really be in the system, so to speak, in either country. My passports show where I've been and tracks my movements, but even that doesn't really tell the whole story. I'm just a guy living in a house in Bangkok, with no job, no name on any bills, credit cards, mortgage, driver's license, work permit, recorded address, or anything connected to living here in Thailand. Even my marriage isn't fully documented yet. Just feels a bit odd. I live here, and yet the only real traces of me are found in little connections to the UK. I need to take some steps to really feel like I'm living here, although that is essentially what I'm already doing. Just makes me uneasy about the future, is all. If I'm to have children I need a more structured life than this.

The shyness and all I mentioned at the start of the thread is another thing altogether. I've become so used to doing what I want when I want and how I want to that I no longer do much at all. It's all quite hard to explain really. To sit and just read a book for 4 or 5 days, post on the org a bit, and only really stop to eat or drink, feels wrong! Often that may be all I want to do, and I feel happy, but it still feels wrong nonetheless.