HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
btain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Priceless.

guess not...

i PASSED

i passed too!

I forgot my pencil!!!!!

I just found a pile of macaronis in my bedside table drawer. I vaguely remember my eldest putting them in there when he was 2. He is now 4.

charlottegelin said:

Absolutely brilliant!!!!

Funny, but I really want children some day. How else will my legacy live on?

UncleGrandpa said:

Dont let it put you off, it's just humour.

The little shits give you lots of smiles and laughs too!

bkw said:

Plus they can get you beers!

2the9s said:

Mine have been doing that ever since they could crawl.

bkw said:

Hey kids! Get mummy a stubbie, love. Damn, the stubbie holder is in the cupboard abover the fridge. Will have to teach them how to climb up a ladder first I am trying to teach them how to bring me chocolate without eating it before it gets to me.

2the9s said:

Good, cause mines in the bottom rack of my fridge, easy access!!!

charlottegelin said:

My stubby holders are in then cupboard above the fridge too!

Lucky I have a wife that can reach!

Ah, Don't forget the peanutbutter sandwich in the vcr.....

UncleGrandpa said:

Yep, ALWAYS keep your beer on the bottom shelf of the fridge.

bkw said:

I am lucky too, my husband is 6'3", but he's not home for another 2 hours will have to hold the cold bottle in my bare hand, what a shame. Can your kids open the non-twist top ones?

charlottegelin said:

My 7 year old daughter can if she's careful.

bkw said:

don't let her do it with her teeth though, not while you're still footing the dental bills

five

this is absolutely perfect