What does Santa do at a house with no chimney?
The first year, I bring them a chimney.


Where does Santa hide his claws?

I don't hide them. I put them in the bowl with the rest of the crawdad shells.

Santa sucks the heads, you know.


What do parents in the Western States tell their children about Santa Claus? After all there's no snow in most places and it's too warm for that red suit.

I try not to keep track of the rumors. Look what it did to Michael Jackson and Calvin Murphy.


On artificial Christmas Trees why do they always make the centre trunk green? Wouldn't it be more realistic if it was brown?

It would be more realistic if it were a real tree.


Does Santa worry about his fat intake over Christmas like everyone else?

I'm more worried about the crap intake I get from sitting in a sleigh behind eight reindeer. Next year I'm flying with a breathing mask.


Why does the Christmas season always come when the stores are at their busiest?

Becuase you have to hunt Christmases when they're overpopulated. Waiting for the breeding season will result in a devastation of the Christmas population.


How does Santa's huge body fit through those itsy-bitsy chimneys?

Diode tunnel effect.


How does Santa get down the chimney when the fire is going?

If they're good, I kick ash and snow into the fire. If they're bad, I pour gasoline down there and go to the next house.


Why is it that your Christmas lights work just fine when you test them before you string them up but they quit the moment you step back to admire your work?

It's those faggots at Underwriter's Labratories insisting that there's fuses and safety bulbs in the things. They were much prettier when people used candles.


Are Santa's Elves the same Elves who are the Keebler Elves?

No.


What exactly are 'reindeer games' anyway?

Ask Cranky. I just use the bastards to get around. During the rest of the year, I couldn't care less what they do.


When Santa Claus goes home does he enter his house through the chimney or the door?

The back window. Mrs. Claus has a bad habit of locking me out when I've been to the strip club way way late.


Do you think Santa Claus has the right idea? You know, only visiting people once a year?

Hannukah Harry visits eight times a year, but they're all in a row. Of course, business got a little light for him between 1938 and 1945, and his travel's seriously cut back now that he mostly has to just visit Israel and Miami.


If Santa Claus had a father, do you think there must have been a Grandfather Clause?

I never knew my father. I think that it might have been God, just like Jesus.

God likes to sleep around, haven't you noticed?


Would you call Santa's helpers, Subordinate Clauses?

My therapist calls them "enablers."


Why does Santa only work one night a year?

Because I can. Envy me.


Who brings Santa his Christmas gifts?

Nobody, and it's really pissing me off. Although I do get a lot of free lapdances at the strip club. If I only didn't have to wear this wide black belt, I'd get more than just a lapdance.


Does Santa get paid?

Let's just say that if you leave your wallet out on the bureau, I get paid.

Oh, and don't lock your liquor cabinet.


Are we sure the Jolly Green Giant and Santa aren't the same guy in a different suit? All either of them say is 'ho, ho, ho' isn't it?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Put up a tree and expect frozen vegetables under it the next day.

Dumbass.


If Santa has a weight problem, why do we leave him milk and cookies? Shouldn't we leave him a salad and water?

I have a drinking problem, not a weight problem.


What kind of car does Santa drive during the off season?

Let's just say that I had a problem at a farmer's market a few years ago and I don't have a driver's license anymore.


Where does Santa get his food? He can't grow it in the snow, and it's not like he can go and get it himself because then people would see him, right? Does he have a greenhouse?

I have a smokehouse.

Venison, sweet venison!


Why is Rudolph's nose so red?

He finishes off my empties.

From the sucking up he does, you'd think it would be brown by now.


Isn't it a worry that Santa is an anagram of Satan?

Not in my native Japanese.


Do you think Santa Claus believes in himself?

Sometimes, I don't. That's why I drink.


If it's true that Santa is magical then why does Christmas Eve take so long?

It's part of the magic. Maybe if you went to bed at a reasonable hour, I could show up sooner.


Why are Christmas colours red and green when Santa's suit is red and white?

Ask the Coca Cola Company about that, but the truth is that I wear green underwear.

Funny read

Mach said:

the grammar nazi in me loooooves this!