"Hello all!! First, let me say Christmas sucks. I mean, i suck, but Christmas su-hucks. It sucks the salty balls of an African Mountain lion with blue balls because he doesn't have opposable thumbs so he can't masterbate and his lioness ran off with a cougar with a bigger cat-penis so they could cross breed.....anyway, the nice folk here at Bravo allowed me host my own Christmas special, with special guests":

Usher
Bayawnsay(with special guests Kelly and Michelle)
Prince
a special prayer by Rev.Denise Matthews
Christina Aguilera
Britney Spears
and some decorations, dancing fairies and shit...

"We will start off the show with opening prayer by Rev. Denise Matthews. So how are you Van-uh...Rev. Matthews??"
"Oh the Lord has blessed me Lonnie, how are you this time of year??"
"Oh well you know...deck the halls, play with my balls....me going down Santa's chimney and all.."
"Ok, uh that's..nice..Well, now everyone hold hands.."

From a distance we hear a whiney high pitched voice..

"WHUT?? WHUT?? No no no...i am PRANCE!! I perfawm by myself. and who the hell is Osha???"
"Prince, please. Just perform one song with him..just do it for the special.."
"WHUT SPASHAL?? WAITAMINUTE...THIS AIN'T THE 'HALL??!?!? YA'LL SAID IT'D BE MAWFFINS AND PURPLE KOOL-AID HEEYUH!! WHY IN TH-"

He turns around and notices a familiar body....

"WHY, I'D RECOGNIZE THEM MEZUHMENTS ANYWAYUH..DENEEEEESSSSSE!!!!!HAW YU DOIN' CHILD???"
under her breath she mumbles.."oh sweet Jesus...deliver me from delivering a bitch slap to his ass..""Why hello there Prince, how are you. What are you doing here? You don't celebrate christmas??"

"AND WHUT ARE YOOUUU DOIN' HERE? IT'S A TWO FOR SPECIAL ON DIME BAGS IN THE ALLEY WAY BEHIND THE GLAM SLAM..."

"Prince hun, you know i'm saved now. Can we just let the past go? Tell you what, why don't you come over here and pray with us. Please? For old times sake.."

"WELL, ONLY IF I GET TO ADLIB..."
"Um, sure okay. Prayer is prayer i guess.."

So he prances on the stage, and beligerently inserts himself in the middle..

"DEAR JEHOVAH...1+1+1=3, BABY I'M A STAR CAN'T YOU SEE? GO BEHIND THE BIG TALL WALL, LOOK INSIDE MY CRYSTAL BALL, TAKE A PEEK INSIDE MAH MIND, I SWEAR TO YOU MANI IS 3-FINE!! GIT DOWN GUUD GAWAD!!-"

i can hardly contain my laughter. What was i thinking putting these two on the stage together? Actually, Prince wasn't supposed to come on until later..but you know how he's a diva and all..

"Prince, please, the Lord didn't think that was funnHALLELUJAH!!..now...Dear Father God..."

Prince ANNOYINGLY and LOUDLY hums in the background...

"we thank you for giving us this day, the day of your birth.."

"YES WE DOO JEHOVA..AND I WANNA THANK YUU, I WANNA THANK YAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Prince begins to have a 'Hova moment when all of a sudden, the lights cut off in the studio.....then these search lights come out of NOWHERE...the roof tears off of the building, and this all too familiar voice echoes through the sky....Prince looks up to the sky and says to himself.."...urshre..." He parachutes down in a leather fuschia colored cat suit with "USHER" on the front in ruby rhinestones..and on the back it says "THE WORLDS GREATEST ENTERTAINER" and a matching blazer with sequence up and down the sleeves and a hot pink Fedora...

"Hey wassup, i see ya'll started without me."
I"m thinking to myself "Is anyone gonna make a REGULAR entrance??

"Hello Usher, you're just in time. Glad you could make i-" Before i could finish saying "IT", Prince pushes me to the side, and walks around Usher "sizing" him up...he un pins his broach holding his purple cape on..and lo and behold..they have the same outfit on..."
"DAMMIT ULTRA!!! I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THIS SHIT TO ME!!"
"Hey little man, you're not the only one with a Tina Knowles hook up..."
"BAYWAWNSAY SAID MY SHIT WOULD BE EXCLUSIVEOOOWWWAAHHH!!!"

Denise yells "CAN WE PLEASE FINISH THE PRAYER???THANK YOU.....Amen. Now Lonnie, it was nice to see you, and THAT all to familiar face...But i must go now. It's the pastor's anniversary service tonight, and i can't be late. Merry Christmas and God Bless!!"
"Goodbye Reverend Matthews!! Have a merry christmas!!! Finally. Now moving on...we have a special selection prepared by Prince and Usher..."
I turn to see these bony fuschia colored leather clad arms flinging everywhere.."

"NOW LUUK HEYUH, I'M GONNA DO LEAD. WHEN I GIVE THE SIGNAL..YOU CHIME IN. OHKAY??"

"Um, Prince, i look up to you and all, but that's not how we rehearsed it...in fact, you never showed up to the rehearsals..."
"REHERSHALS?? REHERSHALS ARE FOR PUSSIES...AND FROM THE SOUND OF IT YOU NEED PUSSY CONTROL OOOWWAAHH!!"

I sit down on the stage wondering how my show got hijacked like this...

"OKAY...1,2,1,2,3,EEEWWWWAAAHH...EHH AAOOOOOWAAAHH!! UH, UH...YEEEEEOOOWWAAAHHHUH UH UH HAH!! UH WOOOOO!!! TAKE IT AWAY U-TRON!!"
"Usher"
"USHOCK"
"Usher"
"UKELELE"
"USHER"
"UNANIMOUS"
"MY NAME IS USHER GOTDAMMIT!!!"
Prince puts his hand in bitch slap position
"BOI!! DON'T YOU EVER!!! DIZRESPECK ME!! I'LL DOT DEM EYES UP!!DON'T BRING YO' AZZ ROUND MPLS!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? WHAT THE HELL IS MPLS!!"
Prince lets out a tribal war cry and pounces on Usher, delivering bitch slaps and cat claws mercilessly...Just then i hear
"TAKE MY WIG OFF BITCH!!"
"GIVE ME SPOTLIGHT BACK!!"
"BITCH, FUCKING MICKEY MOUSE CLUB WAS FUCKING 20 YEARS AGO AND SHIT!! YOU NEED TO LET IT GO!!"
"THAT'S FUNNY COMING FROM AN ATTENTION WHORE!! LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE PAINTED UP LIKE SOME SHOW STEALING JEZEBEL!! WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!"
"VIRGIN!"
"WHORE!"
"VIRGIN!!"
Just as those two are arguing, Bayawnsay comes out and begins to say.."Did someone order a christmas-oh shit...i need to get my sandy blonde, over exposed ass outta here...i'm not from the streets!! KELLY, MICHELLE, ASSUME BEYONCE'S ANGELS POSITIONS!!"
"Girl, i ain't fightin' shit. You see my hair? I got 2 words for you...Dark And Loverly..."
"Ain't that right. After Rayshawnda kept the shop open late for us..i'm not messing NUFFIN' up. Just cause all you got is a wrap and a platinum album, that don't make you hot shit"
"Oh, so is that how it is?? I see..."
Bayawnsay snaps her fingers, pouts her lips and swings her hair, and Jay-Z lowers a helicopter and picks her up..she yells out..
"YEAH,NOW WHAT...SEE HOW GOOD A 'DC2' CAN DO IN THE ENTERTAINMENT BIZ!! GO BATTLE TLC OR SOME SHIT. I GOT HOOKS TO SING BITCHES..." and flies off into the night..Kelly and Michelle look at each other, take nail filers out their pockets, and begin to gossip
"MM HMM...She ain't gonna be with him when she finds out he got Free pregnant.."
"OOOH Gurl dat's what i heard..."..
I look around at the mess my show has become...X-Tina's screeching into a microphone with Britney doing the running man in the back, Usher trying to convince Prince that he is BAD,DANGEROUS, and OFF THE WALL, while Prince takes his heels and hoop earrings off...
"YOU WAWNT THIS UPPER??? BRING ME SUM VAZZALEEN...I'M BOUT TO TAKE IT TO THE STREETS OF MPLS..."
Kelly and Michelle filing their nails, then turning to ask me who gives the best highlights in the area...

"I told ya'll christmas sucks...Well, there goes my chance for a special next year...unless i hold it in a ring...Anyway..here go the dancers..." 10 men in nothing but green thongs and santa hats run out in the middle of the mess and crowd around X-Tina and Britney, they go around Usher and Prince egging them on...and they start talking about hair and nails with Kelly and Michelle..

"Oh well. Merry Christmas everybody. Same time, Same place next year, but i sincerely doubt it.. Goodnight!!"

cameras fade out, credits roll....the end..

can't yall tell i'm bored??

Crikey!

oh Lord, you are crazy!!!

madartista said:

Prince told me to go crazy..i took it literally..

OMG !!!


how FUN !! thanx for the laugh ... great way to start a friday

glamslamkid said:

Keep it crazy!

best. x-mas special. ever.

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[Edited 12/10/04 22:11pm]

glamslamkid said:

Oh my god wooh..I was crying!!! Got daym.
[Edited 12/10/04 23:51pm]

paisleypark4 said:

Boy, i damn near woke my boyfriend up..wooh. chile....

paisleypark4 said:

oops! sorry!