I think that after feeling suicidal so many times, people will ultimately stop caring. I knew this year was gonna be bad the way it started. On new years, my roommate's drunk 16 year old brother started making out with me in his sleep, i was 20 at the time. I tell her the next morning and beg her not to tell him. She tells him anyway, and he thinks I tried to rape him in his sleep. His aunt said that she would press charges when NOTHING happened.

I moved out of my mom's house in June. Move in with my friend from work who's been dying for me to come live with her. I move in, she moves out, has the electicity, cable, and phone cut off, and an eviction notice on the door.

I start my new job that i HATE. They don't have any respect for anybody, talk to me like i'm some kind of dumbass, and didn't do any of the things they told me they'd do at my orientation i.e. my 2 raises i DIDN'T get..but i can see how that's my fault considering i come to work on time every night and work myself straight. Seriously, i was checking out girls at work...

My rent is due yesterday. I don't have the money because my job will send me homw without pay if i go there and there's nothing to do. So there's my first eviction notice, nor do i have money to pay my credit card bills.

My phone was supposed to be turned on 3 months ago, no one ever came to do it. then i get a bill in the mail for $130.00. SO i did what any coldblooded american would do. I mailed that shit right back to them.

My friend isn't talking to me over some horrendously stupid bullshit, and i'm lonely.

I'm sorry. I don't think i can take this anymore. It's been fun you guys. Stay safe and i love you all, just in case i don't make it. Maybe i'll live to see the damn...Peace and B Wild..

I don't know that this will help, but when times get rough those are opportunites to grow, and learn..

Please don't hurt yourself...

don't hurt yourself sweetie

wait a while. sleep on it. talk to someone you trust and see if it doesn't maybe get better. please

Some people will take your 'threats' less seriously, but no one will stop caring. The ones who love you will always love you no matter what.
I don't know you personally. from your profile I can see that you're 21. That's just the beginning of real life.
The respect you claim you don't get has to be earned with time. Unless you find a job with a great boss that will appreciate you from the start (very hard to find).

The things you talk about sound like what most people go through at some point in their lives, at least once.

Hope you will be strong enough to get through this, and that will make you stronger, smarter, and will earn you some respect.

Stay safe

Hon...there is ALWAYS a way...believe me...there is...wrack your brain and think of ways to start making some $$...can you sell anything of yours? Have you talked to the landlord to see if you can make a payment plan?
It takes some effort...but, you can do it.
A few months ago I was not too far off from where you are now...thank God a good friend stepped in and helped me bring on the fight that I needed to have to get to a better place.
Good luck and remember that there is always hope even if you don't see it or can't believe it's there.

Go to a doctor, tell him you're stressed, get a certificate of sickness and hand it into your employers, so you can take a few weeks off with pay.

Don't feel bad about your room-mate's brother. Making out with someone when you're half-asleep isn't all that uncommon. Just be careful whom you share your bed with in future.

Forget about your credit card bills. If you can't pay them, you can't pay them.

XxAxX said:

co-sign to all of that.

Have you ever thought about talkin to a "professional" about your problems? I'm unsure about where you live, but I'm betting there are low/no-cost counseling services you can acess, especially with your age and low-income. I'm just suggesting that since it sounds like you've ended up with these thoughts before. While you work on the 'practical pieces' (rent, phone bill, etc) you may wanna give some enrgy to your spirit- to figure out why your thoughts take you to consider suicide at difficult times. In the big picture, this may help you a lot so as you face challenges in your future you don't return to this feeling of suicide.

I was in my early 20s when I realized I had stuff to work out so I could feel better about myself and be stronger. I bounced through a couple bad counselors before finding a good one that helped me immensely.

Just something to consider. I don't know you well, but I know you enough to know you are a good person who deserves happiness.

Good luck to you.

sag10 said:

Co-Sign. Many of us have been through what you are going through. Being gay, young, not living at home, crappy job and trying to make ends meet...sounds very familiar to me.

You are young, trust me, it does get better...if you are doing the things that are good for you. Stay out of trouble, act responsibly, be kind, eat well (or try to). Good Karma goes a long way too. Avoiding drama like misled drunk 16 yr olds who kiss in thier sleep, is probably a good thing. Ending it all because of financial troubles and slight drama..is not the way to go.

You do have options perhaps, borrow from friends or family if you can. Get a new job and stop working for free!!! Sounds like you have a crappy job...there are plenty of crappy jobs that actually pay you. Swallow your pride and move back home if that's possible.

Glamslamkid...stay safe. When times are low, all you can go...is UP!

peace

bob

It's very difficult to know what to say to someone who is feeling the way you are right now.

I'm sure that there are a lot of people who have read your thread and want to say the right words but, like me, don't know what the right words are.

Life isn't always easy. In fact, sometimes it's bloody hard. I think most of us at times have felt the way you are feeling right now ... and most of us are thankful that we hung in there. Please don't give up. Please listen to BinaryJustin and the others.

x

superspaceboy said:

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

I'd say that "the drama" becomes more infrequent - but that's about it.

Just out of curiousity, how are you getting online?

It's not uncommon at all for people your age to get up to their neck in bills to the point where they have to enter some kind of debt management program and/or declare bankruptcy and get reorganized.

But to get things back on track, you have to take the initiative from here on, and start communicating with your landlord, phone company, and credit card companies.

Don't just mail the invoice back to the phone company and expect them to figure it all out, because they won't. Use someones phone, call them and explain the problem and demand it be corrected. Get the name of the rep you are speaking with on the phone, and make note of when you called. Then make a follow up call a few days later to make sure they have fixed the problem.

Stop in and talk to your landlord and explain your rent problem. Try to work out some plan to pay him a certain amount weekly or something until you get caught up. If you wait around, avoid paying him, and don't communicate with him, he's probabbly not going to be willing to work with you.

As for getting your credit cards straightened out, I've heard mixed things about debt consolidation agencies. Some of my friends have used them to get back on track, but I've also seen reports on the news that some were scams. See if your parent(s) would be willing to take out a loan to close out your credit cards and pay them off, and you pay them back monthly. You'll save alot in intrest doing it this way, more than likely they could get a better rate than you would on your own. If you skip payments, thats gonna linger on your record for like the next 7 years. I got into a huge amount of credit card debt when I was 21, and although I finally paid everything off, that year or so that I missed payments, has been sitting on my credit report for 6-7 years now and still hasnt come off.

Don't get overwhelmed by it all, alot of people get into the same jam.

First of all, please don't harm yourself in any way! Secondly, please get counseling for your depression.

i am not a fan of suicide threads....please tell your not eluding to this....


fyi: tom is right about debt consolidation..i work within the financial industry and they are one big scam...stop feeling sorry for yourself, pick up your feet and fight for your right to enjoy a happy life.....you can manage your debt and manage the problems you have in front of you....based on what ive read from you, i know you have the strenght to do it...so stop mopping, put on a clean shirt and DO IT!!!

BinaryJustin said:

Of course it gets better. If you do better, focus on goals, and make the best out of situations and life, it can and will get better. And the drama doesn't neccessa get more infrequent (you should know that), it's how you handle the drama and process it. Avoiding it is a good thing. Some don't know how to...or are drawn to it or make it happen as they go along.

I moved out when I was 19. I had 2 shit paying jobs, a little college...making peanuts. Also being gay and starting a new life around gay people around my age. Not everyone has it together so LOTS of drama can happen...and did. I have had my shares of crazy roommates falling in love with me, taking my bf's skipping or cant pay rent. Been down many roads...

But I always learned from where I was and what I did and who I hung out with. I always tried to get the better job and learned what I could where I could. I am very proud of the place I am at now...making almost tripple what I did when I moved out, I'm skilled, and am pretty ok with myself. I really did not have any help either as my parents passed on after I moved out...so I was on my own, really.

The only one who has the power to make things better is you. Life is what you make it. It takes time and work, but it is possible.

superspaceboy said:

No, honestly... I know I've just had a month of absolute shit but the clouds are lifting again now. Prior to that, I think I had a long weekend of awfulness earlier this year - and twice in one year is infrequent. To me.

You can't always make the best out of a bad situation. You can't. People whom say that they've been to the edge and managed to claw their way back, were never really at the edge to begin with. If they were truly at the edge, they would have fallen.

The only thing you learn from your mistakes is how to cover them up better the next time you make them. Nobody is perfect.

Like Reincarnate said: Life is bloody hard.

If right here and now, it makes glamslamkid feel better to post the phone bill back to the phone company, it's nobody else's place to judge his actions. I don't think he's looking for answers, he just wants to be listened to and to know that people are listening.

BinaryJustin said:

One may not alway have the upper hand or be able to make the best out of a situation, true, but you can make the best out of life in general. Life is made out of many situations and it's how you deal with them in general that will lead you down a particular path. For instance if you choose to run away from situations or take drugs to escape...well, that's the road you will go down.

And the only mistake you can make, is the one in which you learn nothing. Covering them up better solves nothing.

I don't think anyone is judging here, so far. I think for the most part, most here care what happens to the other, and will always help and listen when needed...r offer the bast adise they can with the situation. The only one that can really do anything about GlamSlam Kid's situation is him.

Tom said:

As usual, Tom offers no-nonsense, straightforward advice and opinions that are actually anchored in reality and not the fluffy idealistic world of "beautiful catchphrases" that most orgers seem to reside in. So pay attention to the above, glamslamkid.

When it comes to the charges of "rape", I must admit that your behaviour seems a bit suspicious. It's not rape, that's for sure, but it takes (at least) two actively participtaing people to make out. You were obviously awake, and he wasn't. Although I believe that a sleeping person can latch onto things around them and even respond if you address them verbally, it definitely seems that this would never have happened unless you had actively allowed it to happen. Maybe that's not the case, but that's the way it seems to me and I can see how it would seem that way to the people you're referring to.

Since this apparently happened quite long ago, I'm assuming the aunt never followed through on the idea to press charges? But has it had any other consequences? Are you still in touch with your roommate? Or has the whole thing just blown over? If so, let it stay in the past and just remember to leave sleeping people alone in the future, even if they're beautiful and come at you with a raging hard-on.

Now i truly think this is why God put Prince in our lives. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be on this website and gaining new family members. I love you all sooooo much. You all could've chosen to disregard this thread, but you didn't seeing that i needed friends very badly right now. And it's sad because i can only trust my girl friends , all my guy friends want to know is when we can have sex and that is VERY agitating. I am a HIGHLY spiritual person, and i did what i do whenever i felt suicidal before...i pray my ASS off. Because i was raised and told that if God brings you to it, he'll bring you through it. And i believe that getting throught this will make me a smarter, stronger, and more experienced person. I feel like i have so much wisdom for my young age, and i'm told that all the time. When i'm my happiest, i can't bring myself to believe that I would actually think about hurting myself. I wouldn't EVER go through with it, because A. i'm TOO scared..suicide is a ticket to hell. People claim i'm going there already because i'm Gay. The bible says that God judges us by our hearts. Gay people aren't evil. In fact, if you ever met me, i'm sure i'd convince you that i'm one of the sweetest people on this earth. I'm not being egotistical, but in a world full of psychos and assholes, that is something i will GLADLY brag about. I know that things happen for a reason. Why is unclear to me, but i NEVER question God, because only good can come from him. I sincerely appreciate you all for responding to this thread and helping me out. Usually when i get this low, i pray, and go to sleep. I just feel so unappreciated no matter how much i do. And people just write me off because they think me being so nice is just an act, and i'm very intelligent, but they just write me off because of my looks and say shit like "you're smarter than you look" What kind of bullshit is that? Then when i bust a 5 syllable word on their ass they look at me like . Sorry to rant, i've been waiting to get this out. And suicide is SELFISH. When to do it, it may be the end of YOUR troubles, but it can be the beginning of a whole bunch of trouble for other people, and i am too talented and have to much to give to allow the to trick me into doing it. That makes me feel special, if the :devil: is making me feel like this all the time and trying to get me down there, then God must have something REALLY special for me to make the work overtime on my ass. Either that, or he's gay...i don't know, that's his business....But anyway, thank you all SOOOOO much. I truly am blessed to have found you guys, and i'm not going anywhere. So i'm just gonna blast Lovesexy, write my landlord, and clean my house. I love you all! Buncha crazy purple hippies....Handulasaiah, Gaymen.


...and i can't believe ya'll let me write "i'll live to see the damn". Good lookin'...and i always get depressed around christmas. i always think about me getting things that i didn't ask for or deserve, that doesn't seem religious to me. What about all the people who don't get anything for christmas? the past 4 years i've volunteered at the soup kitchen for a few hours, because i KNOW what it's like. I remember one christmas all i got was a puzzle and a shirt, and i sat and cried right under the tree. My mom was sleep on the couch from working 3 jobs, and she heard me crying and asked what's wrong? and i didn't want to look at that beautiful, strong Black woman and say "this is it?" so i just said "it's christmas...a lot of people are crying." then i said Merry Christmas and hugged her, and ever since that day, i've thanked God for even the smallest things. Like if i just go to the corner store, and make it there safely, and make it back to my house safely, i thank God. Who knows what could've happened to me? I walk to to work 10 every night. It's all kinds of crazy ass people out there, but nobody messes with me. But christmas is not my season at all. I don't ask for anything, and i tell people don't ask for anything, because that's not what christmas is about. And it sickens me to go to my christmas family gathering each year and hear the kids AND grown ups yelling about how they didn't want a sweater, they wanted the black barbie doll, the right gaming system but the wrong game etc...I go there, hugs and kisses, i love you's and leave it at that. I don't even like to say Merry Christmas to them. I mean, what about all the people who don't have Merry Christmases. It's not fair. And since i came out, they try to make me seem like i'm some kind of nazi. Hypocrisy is a bitch, ain't it....But anyway i'm gonna bring this to a close. Thank you all sooooo much, and i love you all. God bless Prince and him bringing me to you guys.
[Edited 12/3/04 14:30pm]
[Edited 12/3/04 14:40pm]

Keep your faith sweetheart. That will get you through everytime..

Many, many to you.

glamslamkid said:

It's so good to know that you're feeling stronger and about to take action to improve things. Good luck!

catharsis said:

no no no...this was New Years, and we were both drunk and sleep. He was the whole way across the living room. I'm sleeping and the next thing i know, i feel this hand coming up my shirt, so i wake up and it's him. I try to wake him up, but he's so out of it or was just ignoring me. Then he gets on top of me and he's pure muscle cuz he's an athlete, and as small as i am i could not get him off of me. and i didn't want to yell out and wake the others up, so i just tried to see if he would stop. I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere beyond pinch and tickle, and i wouldn't have sodomized him or anything, because that would've been wrong on so many levels considering our ages, and him not being coherent or consenting at the time. Makes for a nice little story thought. But now he hates me because he's a fucking closet case and claims that I crawled across the floor and started with him. Get a fucking clue, get a fucking life. That's why i don't have time for closet cases.

Hang in there glamslamkid!



Things sometimes have to get worse for them to truly get better, it's just sticking around and just trying to let things happen that helps things get back on track.

Writing it out like you are is definitely a good idea-that's always helped me. The right music, the right diet, and getting enough sleep are all big things.

I've seen your posts on here-you're stronger than this.

It may feel overwhelming, but from the looks of it you're already in the right mindset again and just remember nothing is out of your grasp no matter how much it may feel otherwise at times.

Time can be a friend too.

Don't forget it's never a bad thing to ask help if you need it-that's what it's there for. This is a good start.

glamslamkid said:

5 years from now you'll probabbly run into him at a gay bar, or an m4m chat room.

yeah, and it'll be just what i need. More akward silence. and he was trying to get me drunk, he kept sipping and passing me bottles. He's cute though..and i was thinking "all right buddy, you know what this leads too.." but it was just a thought.

Prayin' for ya, amigo. Hang in there.

Oh, honey.

Maybe the hammer will cheer u up?

make him do the typewriter in his genie pants.