Read a quote not too long ago, that says this:

"We marry either out of our greatest love our out of our greatest fear.."

How true do you think this is?...

... I need to think about that one.....

It could be both, the fear of losing our greatest love? I mean the fear of being alone. You've confused me Byron

It's pondersome
[Edited 11/20/04 7:58am]

I don't plan on getting married myself, so tough for me to say... Interesting.

Lleena said:

Hmm, good point...

Although, the quote mentions our "greatest" fear, not just simply fear...I'm imagining someone's greatest fear exists well before they discover their greatest love...

Byron said:

The fear of being alone could potentially be a greatest fear for someone though, and as a result they marry. So in relation to the quote they would be marrying out of their greatest fear.

Also, not everybody encounters a great love in their lifetime, or a love that allows them to fulfill their true capacity for love.

Lleena said:

I doubt, though, that anyone who's greatest fear is abandoment or being alone would wait for their "greatest love" to come into their lives...they'd more likely marry rather quickly to whomever would ask. I suppose if the first person they were involved with also ended up being their soulmate, then both may indeed play a part...but I gather that one would probably take precident over the other in the decision making...

I think the main thrust of the quote was to say that one or the other tends to dictate how we go about finding that relationship which leads to marriage...if it's "greatest love", then you're more likely to wait before getting married, wanting to experience something within your heart, soul and body which is fulfilling in a way never experienced or even imagined before...and if it's your "greatest fear", then you look for a level of security from that fear in all possible partners, and once finding it feel a comfort and certainty that calms you in a way that love alone may not...

Or, perhaps its main point was to say that those two desires--finding your greatest love and eliminating your greatest fear--can never go hand in hand... ...I dunno..lol..it just was a thought-provoking quotation.
[Edited 11/20/04 9:06am]

Byron said:

truth is a matter of opinion in itself ...

to me... its nothing about fear and all about love

always best if your greatest love is also your very best friend

Byron said:

You made me think

I married out of my greatest love but now i'm afraid to devorce because of the same reason



I think I'm gonna drink a Pepsi

I know, I'm not making sense

Mach said:

That's me, too... Well, it is now...way back when I actually did get married, it was out of fear.. I don't know if it was my greatest fear, but this quote made me reassess whether or not it may have been. *sigh*...It would take too long to go into here, but I'm now starting to think that it was my greatest fear which did form the basis for deciding to get married...simply put, a fear of not being who everyone thought I should be, a fear of just being myself...and all the ramifications that I feared would go along with it.
[Edited 11/20/04 10:08am]

AndGodCreatedMe said:

He's still your greatest love??...

Byron said:

no...

thx Byron, I know i have to act now, can't let this continue much longer

Byron said:

never fear being yourself

you are AWESOME !!!!!

Mach said:

ouch

But I hear you Mach, I'm just not at that point yet

But I will be some day

I know I will

Most people get married for the latter reason.

Case said:

Yup

MarySharon said:

What freedoms do you fear losing??...

Byron said:

i thought about Mary Sharon's comment too... for several moments ...

then tried to think of what freedoms i may have given up or lost by marraige and for me there wasnt any ... if anything i gained more freedom (s)

more freedom to express ... to share in lifes wonders

freedom to be open and honets, be myself

...

hmmm ... gonna think on this more

Byron said:

The freedom to make dinner whenever I want without having a man yelling "what's for dinner?".

The freedom to make a laundry at 3 a.m. without being scared to wake someone.

The freedom to go attending a party and coming back whenever I want without having to call someone and go like "Sorry I'll be back later" and "where have u been all this time?" stuff.

The freedom to go shopping for groceries whenever I want without having a man complaining "why the hell is this fridge empty?"

The freedom to cry whenever I feel the need without looking for somewhere to hide.

The freedom to possess my own place, and the freedom to say "fuck you, get out of here" to someone whenever I want without having to share a place with someone.

The freedom to enjoy good times with my lovers without being called a whore.

The freedom to go and seeing with people I care for whenever I want (they know who they are )

I know all this stuff can sound pretty selfish and egomaniac but my mistrustful nature leads me to this behaviour and way of life. I don't wanna belong to the weak ones tribe, my strength is my pride and fucking the world is the only way to survive.



fucking spelling!!
[Edited 11/20/04 12:27pm]

Byron said:

It is thought provoking, thanks for posting it. I was just thinking, how do you measure love? Is it the greatest in terms of how it makes you feel or is it the greatest in terms of the person you are? just a thought

perhaps its both?
[Edited 11/20/04 12:43pm]

MarySharon said:

I don't know if those are "freedoms" (and do you really fear losing the "freedom" to do laundry at 3am??..lol )...The first five you mention are not mutually exclusive to being married--for example, what if you marry someone who does his own laundry, makes his own dinner (even makes yours), cares little if you go out and enjoy life in the ways you love...etc, etc...even still, what if you married someone you loved so much that you found yourself wanting him to go along with you...or find that crying in his arms is lightyears better than crying by yourself...

It sounds more like you prefer the single lifestyle and all it encompasses moreso than you fear losing freedoms...which is valid and understandable.



]
[Edited 11/20/04 12:44pm]

Lleena said:

My head is gonna explode now....thx Leena another thought to think off!

Byron said:

There's truth in what u said. I admit the single lifestyle sounds the best to me, and at the time I couldn't reconsider any other way of living. Of course it must be wonderful to share your life with someone else, especially if you share the deepest love with this person. But commitments take a lot of trust. I've been wounded by life several times, and I don't know, whatever it takes, if I could be able someday to trust someone enough to do so


this time it's grammar!!
[Edited 11/21/04 10:31am]

I think this statement is very true.

When you enter into any "life long"relationship, a child, a husband etc, part of or all of you is tied to that other person, you have to then put that other ahead of yourself and your own personal needs and desires. Like the song says "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" and I agree with that with my whole heart, if you have something or someone you are not free because you have to behave in a certain way as not to lose that someone or something.I definitely see where MarySharon is coming from.

I was thinking about thread this afternoon and I really examined my own desire to be married. I think it is fear that motivates me to want to find someone and settle down. The fear of being alone, the fear of being looked at as an outcast, or as less than other women. Not sure how it works for men, but women who are unwed seem to be looked down upon. We constantly hear "When are you going to get married???" from our mothers, our co workers, complete freaking strangers!!! There is a lot of pressure for us to "bag a man" before we get "too old"

My own personal views on marriage are muddled. I do fall victim to societies terms of normalcy and expectancy when it comes to matrimony, but ultimately in my heart I doubt I ever will wed. Much like my decision to not have children, I feel (fear?) that having another person saddled to me for the rest of my life would end up a disaster.

Also the stereo typical prototype of marriage is one that IMHO, benefits the man, not the woman. The woman is responsible for taking care of the children, the house, and her husband, if she has a career of her own she somehow "neglects" her family in her pursuit of success she's looked at as a failure, a bad wife, a bad mother. There is a reason that love stories marketed at women and girls, in movies and novels end with the whole idea of happily ever after, riding of into the sunset... because after the wedding there isn't much left for the women besides servitude.


Go ahead Byron, call me jaded, but ask women that you know who have been married for 20 years or more,90% of them will sing the same song as me.

Steadwood said:

There is no such thing as security. Helen Keller said it best:

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure.

You can't love or share without being married?