Thanks to The Independent, via my brother. I went to see Jimmy Carr and he was brilliant. Anyone else here go to the Fringe?



Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a bit worried.

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance


I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...

Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance


My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was
two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

Susan Murray at the Underbelly


I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school...

Ahmed Ahmed at C34


A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said,
"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we won't get much done."

Jimmy Carr at the International
Conference Centre


I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms


Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind
legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're
enjoying it as well.

Scott Capurro at the Pleasance


My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking
he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Jimmy Carr at the International
Conference Centre


The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched
someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and
Dan Mersh at the Trap


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre


I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that
I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on
people. That put me right off him.

Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then
on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for
that.

Milton Jones at the Underbelly


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

Fauxie said:

LMAO!