I think I've outgrown some of my friends - or rather they've outgrown me.

I have this friend called Peter who I was incredibly close with. I'm not sure if it was ever a healthy relationship because my whole friendship with him started because I fancied the pants off him and he's straight. I mean, he identifies himself as being straight. Anyway - I've know him since I was 17 and I'm 32 now, so I s'pose that's quite a long time.

Anyway. Peter has this friend called Paul. I don't class Paul as a close friend - he's more of a friend-in-law but I saw him as a friend all the same.

Now Paul has got this friend called Ian. This Ian is a cunt. I hate him. I've probably only met him five times in my life at weddings, birthdays - that sort of thing. The first time I ever met this Ian person, he launched into this long diatribe about how he hates queers. I was a little taken aback but I just dismissed him as a dick-head.

Well, Paul bought a house a month ago and he'd previously invited "all of us" to a house-warming party at another get-together I attended about two months ago.

The week before his party, I asked Peter how we were all going to get there and Peter was like "Party? What party? Paul's not having a party." This was all a load of bullshit because another mutual friend's wife had already told me all about it. I was a bit upset.

So I pressed Peter the day after. He admitted that he'd lied to me as he didn't want me to get upset because I wasn't invited. Apparently, I wasn't invited because Paul's friend Ian was going to be there and Paul had told Peter that he didn't want any trouble.

I later found out that Peter had reservations about me attending - but that's a bit of a side-story.

Anyway... Louise (another friend) had a 30th birthday party this Saturday. I really didn't want to go because I knew Paul would be going and I was still furious with him. I went into town to buy Louise a birthday present and I felt a bit on edge. I went to a bar, took a couple of magazines and drank two pints over the course of two hours. I'm not really a big drinker anymore and I hadn't ate so it went to my head.

Louise's party started at 07:00pm and I looked at the time on my mobile phone and it was like ten to seven. I jumped in a cab and went back to the village where I live. Whilst in the cab, I saw the clock on the driver's dashboard and the time on my phone was wrong - I hadn't reset it after the clocks went back the other week.

So I had 35 minutes to spare. There didn't seem any point in going home, so I went into another pub near the party venue and ordered another pint. I swear to God that everybody in this rotten village knows I'm gay. I went to the bar, put the present down and the bartender said, "Ooh a present for me - I didn't know you cared." I suppose it was good-natured enough though - I'm not so politically correct that I can't take a joke.

I sat down with my beer and this guy came in and sat down at the next table. This was one of the people who had tried to kick me to death when I was 15. He's known as Bullsy and he does look like a huge white bull. I wasn't really intimidated as such but I felt uncomfortable and really didn't want to be there. The guy went to prison for over a year for his queerbashing me. I have previously seen him in passing but for a time he had some kind of restraining order which disallowed him from coming within five foot of me. Anyway, the guy who tried to kill me and I sent to prison was sat the next table.

I don't know if it was bravado, stupidity or the drink but I made myself finish that damn beer. I wasn't going to let him get the better of me.

He was chatting with another rough-nut called Sutty whom I recognised because another friend Emma had an affair with him earlier this year. I was a bit dismayed that Emma would screw somebody whom is the friend of somebody who tried to kill me - but there you go.

I got to Louise's party and I was a little shaky - the three pints of beer had had an effect on me and I was a bit of a mess. So I drank some more and waited for the other guests to arrive.

The more I sat there looking at everybody laughing, joking and being generally heterosexual, the more alone I felt. I realised that I have nothing in common with these people.

I went to the bar and Paul stood next to me. Well, I had a go at him. I was saying stuff like, "I can't be friends with somebody who is friends with a twat." I think it was all water off a duck's back to him. Peter came to the bar and told me to shut up and then I told him to shut up. I probably came across and drunk and inconherent but I don't really care what anybody thinks anymore.

I later asked Emma if she knew that this Sutty person (whom she was shagging), was this Bullsy's friend. Then she had a rant with me and told me that I was "no fun anymore" and depressing and stuff.

I don't care. I've had enough. I'm too old to play stupid games with people whom would rather be friends with fascists than me.

I'm really depressed. I can't explain how depressed I am. I feel like I've seen behind the Wizard Of Oz's curtain and I've realised it's all make-b elieve and nobody really cares about me at all. I'm not upset or a little down. I'm depressed. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. I had a panic attack at the bus stop this evening. I feel like I'm going crazy and it's ever since I saw that Bullsy person at the next table in the pub. It's sort of put everything into context for me.

I feel like I'm being treated like Muriel in 'Muriel's Wedding'. Forever classified as being different to the rest of the gang and I can't stand it anymore.

i love U bruv.





( learnt a nu word 2,,, diatribe... nice!
M.C Diatribe?
yeah baby!!

I was tempted to post a pithy comment, but I thought better of it.

Maybe it's time for new friends.

doctormcmeekle said:

Well, I think so too. I'm just really dismayed. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to Emma because it seemed she genuinely didn't know that this Sutty person was this Bullsy's friend. It was all just indicative of the disloyalty and lack of respect I'm feeling at the moment.

My life is just a pile of shit at the minute. I can't get a mortgage because of some debt I racked up in the 90s. I'm living in an apartment underneath a crack-den. I'm scared to answer the door most of the time. Somebody's pressing my buzzer right now but there's no way I'm answering it. An alcoholic neighbour actually ripped my drainpipe off the wall last Sunday. I wouldn't open my door to him, so he stole my drainpipe as revenge.

irresistibleb1tch said:

These are my thoughts as well. Life is too short to surround yourself with people who are bad for you. That said, I know it's easier said than done.

Hang in there.

I believe it is possible to outgrow your friends...but it doesn't sound like these were ever true friends to you. Keep your head high BJ, and go find someone who likes the things that you like now. I wouldn't waste another second thinking about these twats.

Fuck 'em. You deserve better. They sound like they're still stuck in Grade 9.

I'm sorry for all the typos and the fact that it all looks like rambling nonsense but I just had to get it all out.

Anyway, whomever was pressing my buzzer has stopped and gone away. So that's something I suppose.

Bolton's huge but I live in a village within Bolton which isn't. I'd say 50% of it's populace is my age - early 30s.

I've got to get up for work in five and a half hours and I really don't feel like sleeping.

what you wrote was very sad. like the rest said find some new friends.

maybe their behavior says more about them than it does about you. maybe you need to branch out and away from these people and find folks who dig what you're all about and vice versa. it's a bummer when i feel like i'm outgrowing or drifting away from certain friends - i've learned over the years that if i just accept it and keep going down my own path and let them go down theirs, our paths end up crossing at some point again in the future, even if it's not as strong as it used to be.

come on out to chicago, we'll take care of ya!

oh hun, believe me, i know EXACTLY how you feel. One time my hag tooke me to a gotdamn straight club. evil bitch. luckily i found a gay boi there...but anyway, i felt sooooo out of place there. i knew if i even glanced at a guy, the shit was gonna hit the fan. so don't worry about it. you know there are a million gay people out there waiting to be your friend 'til the end. well, after me, 999,999 BUDDY!! Love you!!

Anxiety said:

He needs friends right now, not cheap gay sex....jeez.


oh, were you talking about...

nevermind.

glamslamkid said:

ahhhhh,isn't that just the sweetest post.

irresistibleb1tch said:

Revolution said:

we've got both! and deep dish pizza!

Fuck friends. As long a u got food in your belly and a place to wet ya wick, u dont need 'em.

Anxiety said:

Right now, are you more hungry or horny???

althom said:

althom said:

I've never made a conscious decision to drop anybody before but now I just feel like dropping everybody.

The worst of it all is that I was dating somebody from work called Neil and we split up specifically because he didn't like my friends. Now it seems that he was right all along. I have to see him every day at work too which isn't pleasant because I can't bring myself to talk to him. He upset me when he dumped me.

He really put me in a situation. He asked me to choose between him (whom I'd only known for two months) and my friends whom I'd known for years. If he'd just given me a little more time I would have seen less of my friends anyway.

I don't know if I love him but it hurts me to see him every day. I keep thinking of what might have been.

doctormcmeekle said:

CO-SIGN...to most of that lot. I'd say anything that is remotely close to Paul or Ian...that includes Peter. He may not be homophobic, but allows it near him... and judges who he hangs out with by it....and that's just as bad.

And try to cull more gay people around you. It's hard being the only gay person amongst a group of all straight people. I wouldn't say that the people you hang with don't like you or don't get you or anything, it's just that they may not see a lot in common with you. When you are younger, and figuring it out, that's one thing. But as you get older, your life gets more defined, you marry, you have kids, you start having different lives...even with those you are close to.

And another thing ...the drinks were making you think/say stupid stuff...they always do.

unlucky7 said:

you know. just looking out for the fam

BinaryJustin said:

There are great movies with less interesting plotlines than this. Write a screenplay! Your success will be a sweet revenge at their expense.
[Edited 11/22/04 19:06pm]

BinaryJustin said:

hey man, I am 100% straight and I feel alone.....

BinaryJustin said:

I think you've gotten a lot of support/input regarding your intitial post, so I'll give my thoughts on this.

While it sounds like Neil was on to something about your friends. He can't be all that great of a guy if he gave you an ultimatum like this. A good guy would've talked to you about what made him uncomfortable about your friends and been patient as you made decisions. Not just walked away. For whatever it's worth, this was HIS loss- not yours.

In the end all, it sounds like you are in the midst of a very heavy time and figuring out what the people who surround you are about. Remember, this is a very big world. If it's time to walk away from those you know and rebuild a stronger network of support- so be it. It's hard but you'll be all the happier for it in the future.

Hang in there, kiddo.