I'm so worried
Music and lyrics by Terry Jones

I'm so worried about what's happening today,
In the Middle East, you know.
And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about the fashions today,
I don't think they're good for your feet.
And I'm so worried about the shows on TV
That sometimes they want to repeat.
I'm so worried about what's happening today,
In the Middle East, you know.
And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about my hair falling out,
And the state of the world today.
And I'm so worried about being so full of doubt
About everything anyway.
I'm so worried about modern technology,
I'm so worried about all the things
That they dump in the sea.
I'm so worried about it, worried about it,
Worried, worried, worried.

I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong.
I'm so worried about whether people like this song.
I'm so worried about this very next verse,
It isn't the best that I've got.
And I'm so worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn't just stop.

























































































































































































I'm so worried about whether I ought to have stopped.
And I'm so worried because it's the sort of thing I ought to know.
And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow.

I'm so worried about whether I should have stopped then,
I'm so worried that I'm driving everyone round the bend.
And I'm so worried about the baggage retrieval
System they've got at Heathrow.

You should be daaancinnn...yeaahhh!!!

I hope u stop worryin dancelot

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But only when they're green.


He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
No matter where they've been.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But only when they're green.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
That is what I said.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
But not when they are red.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
That is what he said.

He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
He likes traffic lights,
But not when they are red.

I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
I like traffic lights,
Although my name's not Bamber.
I like traffic lights,
I...oh God...

Music and lyrics by: Terry Jones

I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby,
I've got speed.
I've got everything I need.
I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby,
I can fly.
I'm a supersonic guy.

I don't need pleasure,
I don't feel pain.
If you were to knock me down,
I'd just get up again.
I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby,

I'm making out
I'm all about

I wake up every morning with a smile upon my face.
My natural exuberance spills out all over the place.

I'm the Urban Spaceman,
I'm intelligent and clean.
Know what I mean?
I'm the Urban Spaceman,
As a lover, second to none.
It's a lot of fun.

I never let my friends down,
I've never made a boob.
I'm a glossy magazine, an advert in the tube.
I'm the Urban Spaceman, baby, here comes the twist.
I don't exist.

Music and lyrics by: Neil Innes

Finland

Chorus : Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I want to be,
Pony trekking or camping,
Or just watching TV,
Finland, Finland, Finland.
It's the country for me.

Verse : You're so near to Russia.
So far from Japan,
Quite a long way from Cairo,
Lots of miles from Vietnam.

Chorus : Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
Or snack lunch in the Hall,
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

Verse: You're so sadly neglected,
And often ignored.
A poor second to Belgium,
When going abroad.

Chorus : Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I quite want to be,
Your mountains so lofty,
Your treetops so tall,
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

Repeat : Finland, Finland, Finland.
The country where I quite want to be,
Your treetops so tall,
Finland, Finland, Finland.
Finland has it all.

Fade : Finland has it all ...

I've got two legs from my hips to the ground
And when I move them they walk around
And when I lift them they the stairs
And when I shave them they ain't got hairs

It's Christmas in Heaven

Spoken: Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen,
It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening,
A wonderful and warm and emotional moment for all of us,
And I'd like to sing a song for all of you...

It's Christmas in Heaven,
All the children sing,
It's Christmas in Heaven,
Hark, hark, those church bells ring.
It's Christmas in Heaven.
The snow falls from the sky,
But it's nice and warm, and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie.

It's Christmas in Heaven,
There's great films on TV,
'The Sound of Music' twice an hour,
And 'Jaws' One, Two, and Three.

Mary and Joseph: There's gifts for all the family.
There's toiletries and trains.
Three Kings: There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets
And the latest video games.

Everyone: It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!

It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single day
Is Christmas day!

Repeat chorus to fade...

that's one of my faves


Medical love song

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile.
I've had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while.
I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June.
I ache for you, my darling,
And I hope you get well soon.

My penile warts, your herpes,
My syphilitic sores.
Your moenelial infection,
How I miss you more and more.
Your dobie's itch, my scrumpox,
Our lovely gonnorrhea,
At least we both were lying,
When we said that we were clear.

Our syphilitic kisses,
Sealed the secret of our tryst.
You gave me scrotal pustules,
With a quick flick of your wrist.
Your trichovaginitis
Sent shivers down my spine;
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine.
Gonoccocal urethritis, streptococcal
ballinitis, meningo myelitis,
diplococcal cephalitis, epididimitis,
interstitial keratitis, syphilitic
choroiditis, and antertior u-ve-i-tis.

My clapped out genitalia
Is not so bad for me,
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee.
My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he's ever seen,
My scrotum's painted orange
And my balls are turning green.
My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw,
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore.
I'm dying of your love, my love
I'm your spirochaetal clown,
I've left my body to science
But I'm afraid they've turned it down.

Gonoccocal urethritis, streptococcal
ballinitis, meningo myelitis,
diplococcal cephalitis, epididimitis,
interstitial keratitis, syphilitic
choroiditis, and antertior u-ve-i-tis

I love that one!




O Lord Please Don't Burn Us

O Lord, please don't burn us.
Don't grill or toast Your flock.
Don't put us on the barbecue
Or simmer us in stock.
Don't braise or bake or boil us
Or stir-fry us in a wok.
Oh, please don't lightly poach us
Or baste us with hot fat.
Don't fricassee or roast us
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick Thy servants, Lord,
In a Rotissomat.

THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD

Cut to a suburban house in a boring looking street. Zoom into upstairs window. Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (M.P) huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.

VOICE OVER: (E.I) This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die ... laughing.

Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.

VOICE OVER: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live ...

Ernest's mother (E.I) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the piece of paper in his hand and (thinking it is a suicide note – for he has not been doing very well for the last thirteen years) picks it up and reads it between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.

COMMENTATOR: (T.J) This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.

INSPECTOR: (G.C) I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.

An upstairs window in the house is flung open and a doctor rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.



INSPECTOR: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q Division ... (Inspector points to a group of dour looking policemen standing nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

He gives a signal. The group of policemen starts groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house


COMMENTATOR: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.

The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving along dark roads.

VOICE OVER: It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.

Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch rider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter and a series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.

Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.

VOICE OVER: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (T. J) looking cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to corporal's face- registering complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidity. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies. Two watching generals (E.I and J.C) are very impressed.

GENERALS: Fantastic.

Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.

COLONEL: (G.C) All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.

Cut to a trench in the Ardennes Members of the joke brigade are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.

VOICE OVER: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes...

COMMANDING NCO: Tell the ... joke.

JOKE BRIGADE: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of Germans rear up in hysterics.

VOICE OVER: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke...

Cut to a film of Chamberlain brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper)

…and one which Hitler just couldn't match.

Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.



SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'

A young soldier responds:

SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?

Hitler speaks:

SUBTITLE: AWFUL'

VOICE OVER: In action it was deadly.



Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.

CORPORAL: (T.J) Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Sniper falls laughing out of tree.

JOKE BRIGADE: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

They chant the joke. Germans are put to flight laughing, some dropping to ground.

VOICE OVER: The German casualties were appalling.

Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically.

Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke brigade has a light shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another (G.C) stands (clearly labelled “A Gestapo Officer) behind him.



NAZI: (J.C) Vott is the big joke?

OFFICER: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?

NAZI: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.

OFFICER: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?

NAZI: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?

OFFICER: Tread on his corns. (does so - the Nazi hops in pain)

NAZI: Gott in Himell. That's not funny!



(Mimes cuffing him while the other Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effect)

Now if you don't tell me the joke, I shall hit you properly.

OFFICER: I can stand physical pain, you know.

NAZI: Ah... you're no fun. All right, Otto.

(Otto starts tickling the officer who starts laughing)

OFFICER: Oh no - anything but that please no, all right I'll tell you.

(They stop tickling him.)

NAZI: Quick Otto. The typewriter.

Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The officer produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.

OFFICER: Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja!... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.

NAZI: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

Nazi bursts into laughter and dies. A German guard (T.G) bursts in with machine gun, The British officer leaps on the table.

OFFICER: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his escape. Cut to a film of German scientists working in laboratories.

VOICE OVER: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.



A German general (T.J) is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Otto, labelled “A Different Gestapo Officer”. Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.

GERMAN JOKER: (E.I) Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.

He finishes and looks hopeful.

OTTO: We let you know.

He shoots him.
Film of German scientists.

VOICE OVER: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.



RADIO: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

Radio bursts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio.

Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. A commentator in a woodland glade.

COMMENTATOR 2 (E.I.): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the Unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.

kinda borrowing this one form the Politics & Religion forum.. could start a thread there with this...


All things dull and ugly

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

AMEN.