TOP 16 REJECTED MOTEL 6 SLOGANS....

16. We're working on that smell thing, too.

15. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14. As seen on "COPS"

13. If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets

12. Not just for nooners anymore.

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*

5. It's Hookerriffic!

4. Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!

2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...

1. We put the "Ho" in "Motel"



TOP 13 THINGS PMS STAND FOR....


1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make Me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

13. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome


Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?" == "Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic." == "I'm poor." {any guy who claims to be 'really romantic' likely already has a boyfriend of his own...}

"I need you" == "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys" == "I had an accident in The War."

"I want a commitment." == "I'm getting evicted on Friday."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about" == "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." {either that, or he just broke up with his last 'only love' a few days ago}

"I really want to get to know you better." == "So I can tell my friends about it." {yes ladies -- guys brag about their conquests, but you gals do too!}

"It's just orange juice, try it." == "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head." {if she's a blonde, that's perfect!! }

"She's kinda cute." == "I want to have sex with her till I am blue." {that's an interesting comment ... do any particular parts turn blue regularly?? you might want to have a doctor look at that!!}

"I don't know if I like her" == "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much" == "I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good." {and the roommate works on a sheep farm, so my other options aren't very attractive...}

"Was it good for you?" == "I'm insecure about my manhood." {also called the 'did you notice??' response}

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" == "Don't make jokes about Mr. Happy!!"

"I had a wonderful time last night." == "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you really love me?" == "I've done something stupid and you might find out." {oh, she'll find out guy ... trust me!! sooner or later, you're doomed...}

"I have something to tell you." == "Get tested." {I had a phriend who once picked up the phone to hear no sound other than someone clapping their hands next to the receiver. Shure enough, he had it -- the 'clap', that is. Whew -- that'll ruin your day!!}

"I'll give you a call." == "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again." {Guys, when you get that line, just go ahead and erase them from your address book...}

"I've been thinking a lot." == "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." == "Your ugly." {Either that, or she's found someone else who hoists that Tent Pole of Love just a bit more robustly in the Carnival of Love ... if you get my drift. I'll betcha $10 that he's got a shaved head, and more tattoos than teeth; wanna bet?? }

"I've learned a lot from you." == "Next!!!!"


If Men woke up with a Vagina


10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....

1. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!!!


7 Things you Won't Hear a Man Say



1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for a while.

3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't important. Sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I'm sick of blowjobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?


Top Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped


20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.


Fatal Things to Say When Your Wife's Pregnant


1. I finished the Oreo's.

2. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.

6. Darned if you ain't 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

7. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt.

8. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

9. I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?

10. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

11. Get your *own* ice cream.

12. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today.

13. Got milk ?

14. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney?

15. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

16. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water...

17. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!

18. You don't have the guts to pull that trigger...



How to satisfy a Woman everytime


Caress,
praise,
pamper,
relish,
savor,
massage,
make plans,
fix,
empathize,
serenade,
compliment,
support,
feed,
tantalize,
bathe,
humor,
placate,
stimulate,
jiffylube,
stroke,
console,
purr,
hug,
coddle,
excite,
pacify,
protect,
phone,
correspond,
anticipate,
nuzzle,
smooch,
toast,
minister to,
forgive,
sacrifice for,
ply,
accessorize,
leave,
return,
beseech,
sublimate,
entertain,
charm,
lug,
drag,
crawl,
show equality for,
spackle,
oblige,
fascinate,
attend,
implore,
bawl,
shower,
shave,
trust,
grovel,
ignore,
defend,
coax,
clothe,
brag about,
acquiesce,
aromate,
fuse,
fizz,
rationalize,
detoxify,
sanctify,
help,
acknowledge,
polish,
upgrade,
spoil,
embrace,
accept,
butter-up,
hear,
understand,
jitterbug,
locomote,
beg,
plead,
borrow,
steal,
climb,
swim,
nurse,
resuscitate,
repair,
patch,
crazy-glue,
respect,
entertain,
calm,
allay,
kill for,
die for,
dream of,
promise,
deliver,
tease,
flirt,
commit,
enlist,
pine,
cajole,
angelicize,
murmur,
snuggle,
snoozle,
snurfle,
elevate,
enervate,
alleviate,
spotweld,
serve,
rub,
rib,
salve,
bite,
taste,
nibble,
gratify,
take her places,
scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle doodle,
hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky,
crystal blue persuade,
flip,
flop,
fly,
don't care if I die,
swing,
slip,
slide,
slather,
mollycoddle,
squeeze,
moisturize,
humidify,
lather,
tingle,
slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world,
wet,
slicken,
undulate,
gelatinize,
brush,
tingle,
dribble,
drip,
dry,
knead,
puree,
fluff,
fold,
blue-coral wax,
ingratiate,
indulge,
wow,
dazzle,
amaze,
flabbergast,
enchant,
idolize and worship,
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How To Satisfy A Man Every Time

Show up naked.

Blind Date Guide for Men


She's a dandy little house keeper ~means~ she has been married three times and kept all the houses.

She has a wonderful disposition, a fine character and a spotless reputation ~means~ she's ugly.

She loves children ~means~ she's pregnant and needs a husband.

She has a great sense of humor ~means~ she's fat.

She is the outdoor type ~means~ she hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the fellows.


She's ready to settle down ~means~ she is over thirty, in panic and dying to marry.

She likes to have a good time and is lots of fun at parties ~means~ she gets drunk and makes an ass of herself.

She is a mature woman yet has the appearance of a young school girl ~means~ she is twenty eight, looks thirty eight, but dresses like she were eighteen.

She is casual ~means~ she dresses like a slob and her apartment looks like a pig pen.

She understands men ~means~ she has been married and divorced four times.

She's a good sport ~means~ she knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.

She looks and dresses like a model ~means~ she is five eleven, weighs seventy-three pounds and wears her hair like Joe Cocker.

She is a well known show business personality who has appeared before thousands ~means~ she is the bearded lady in the traveling side show.

She has traveled a lot and met many interesting people ~means~ she has looked everywhere for a husband and hasn't found one yet.


The 10 last things a woman would ever say


10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.

9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way..

8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.

7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.

6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.

5. This diamond is way too big.

4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!

2. Does this make my butt look too small?

1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.


Different Kinds Of Breasts


(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts (you know who you are)

o o a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(Q) pierced breasts

(p)(p) breasts w/hanging tassels

()(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts


Signs Your Spouse is Having an Online Affair


10. Lately she sits at the computer naked

9. After signing off, she always has a cigarette

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up

6. She's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand

5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"

4. Lipstick on the mouse

3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"

2. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants

1. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass


Expressions For Women On High-Stress Days


1. You - off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?

6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you weren't asleep.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume, must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic + disorder - my work here is done.


Top Slogans being considered for Viagra


10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper."

9. "One-a-day, like iron."

8. "Get a piece of the rock."

7. "You've come a long way, baby."

6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em."

5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

4."Tastes great, more filling."

3. "Viagra, built ram tough."

2. "Here's the beef!"

and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

1. Just do her!


What would Happen if your Dog's Name was My Penis




• Mypenis ate my homework.

• Sorry I'm late, i was playing with Mypenis.

• I'm sorry, officer, I didn't know I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.

• Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.

• Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.

• I love giving Mypenis a bath.

• At night, I sleep with my penis in my hands.

• Mypenis likes it when people pet him.

• Mypenis needs more excersise, he weighs over 50 pounds.

• Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.

• Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?

• Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.

• I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.

• Keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.

• Whenever i get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.

• I think Mypenis is getting old becuz he wont get excited anymore. He just plays dead.

• Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.

• Help! I can't find Mypenis!

• Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but i was looking for Mypenis.

• Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.

• Sorry to be driving so fast, officer, but i have to take Mypenis to the hospital.

• On no, I think something bit Mypenis.

• Be careful and don't step on Mypenis.

• When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone.

• Stop kicking Mypenis.

• When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown.

• Mypenis is truly man's best friend.

• People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but i think he looks better standing at attention.

• There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis.

• I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops.

• Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table.