Many of you on this board knows my childhood involved drinking and pot-smoking parents as well as abuse and insecurity. In January I finally succumbed to depression and was put on sick leave, not working. Then, in February, my dad called me and asked me to take care of his cats cos he'd fallen and broken his leg and was in hospital. Now, dad and I hadn't talked in ages since he kept disrespecting me, drinking and being nasty to me like I still was a child. I didn't have to take care of him or his cats, but I did. For 4 months I made every errand for him, ALL of them cos he couldn't go out with his broken leg and he lives on the 3rd floor without an elevator. I shopped for groceries, catfood and litter, went to the pharmacy OFTEN and serviced him because he had no one else. As time passed he and I started talking like we hadn't done before, I told him some of where my hurt came from.
Then sometime in May I think it was, he got a friend to get him some beers and he drank them. I spent so much time looking after him and he did that, I was so disappointed. I went over to his place to talk it over, and I told him he had to QUIT the drinking or I wouldn't be able to stay around him anymore cos I'm hurting too much. I don't think I've ever been as surprised as when he said "Then I will".
After that it went rather well, his leg mended and we started spending time together, doing things again. He drank a few times but not very bad, and we could always talk about it afterwards and he was remorseful... I know I know, but he'd never said he'd quit before.

The end of this story happened this Monday though, I'd been borrowing money from him cos he got money a week before I did. As you know I've had a friend staying with me for a week now, and we were watching a DVD when my dad called, tanked He said, in the usual drunken asshole manner of his "How much do you really know about that dude you have staying with you? I hope he hasn't had access to my credit card cos there's so fucking little money left on my account." I was so upset when he said that, first of all that he'd been drinking and then to call and say something like that. He did something similar years ago, when he called and accused my boyfriend at the time of hitting my beloved Ollie.


This was his last chance, now h'ell die alone. He had nobody else but me and my sister, my sister's having a baby but she'd never in a million years let him be a grandfather the way he's carrying on and I gave him one last chance. He blew it.

Thanks go out to my friend, I was sooo happy to have him here cos I got so upset and cried for a long time.


Sorry for rambling but I needed to get this out of my system. Feel free to hate on my dad, I do now. He knew how much it meant to me and how bad I've been and am feeling. Shithead. Oh one more thing, please save me the lectures on alcoholism being a disease and all, I know all that by heart by now.

Teacher said:

How can I hate on your dad, when he's the one to thank that you are here on this earth
I'm sorry things turned out the way they did. but good thing you had a friend close by.

I'm here if you want to talk my number hasn't changed. though I do need to change my phone, it dies after a few minutes of talk.

to you always. Stay strong.

I love you girlie Be strong and you will get though it All you need is u

I am sorry for your disappointment. YOu hang in there and if you need to talk, you know we are here.

Think of this as your retreat then, be strong babe

*hugs* Oh honey, I know just how you feel as I grew with an alcoholic too. It's so hard to watch someone you love waste everything.
[Edited 10/3/04 11:53am]

Thanks everyone, it did feel better when I'd gotten it off my chest by rambling here. What I hate the most is the fact that he made me hope again, made me hope he'd make it and be a father for real.

To all, thank you

I'm so sorry 2 hear that!
I can only imagine your dissapointment.That must B hard.
U take care of yourself.Talk soon!
/peace Manki

teacha

Take care of yourself!!!! Take a "i love me" day. Remember that you are a wonderful person and that your parents issues are not your issues.


My father was the type to ignore his kids and of course when I was younger it bothered me. I would cry and complain to my mother. My mother would try to talk with my dad about how he neglects us. Please understand, my father was IN the house. He didn't live across town. He ignored us to our face. But there came a time when you have to let go of wanting your parents to "step up". I know that sounds hard but your father may be this way for the rest of your life and you don't want to wait around for him to become a "father". I understand the feelings you have. I've had them but once I made up my mind that my dad will never be the father I needed and wanted, I could deal with him differently. His behavior doesn't bother me as much now. Pray and just take care of yourself. We can't change our parents but we can defintely make sure that we are healthy...mind, body and soul and that any abuse that has occured will not effect us now and in the future. Take time out to heal.

Your Org family loves ya.
[Edited 10/3/04 14:49pm]

hold on to your soul

You gotta let go of the pain and hurt. Start a new life.

luv4u said:

That's easy to do.

Thank you Rhonda and CJ and to the people who orgnoted me instead of posting here. You all give me strength and your understanding warms my heart.

Hey Teacher, you and I have a lot in common. When I read your story in the abuse thread about your new begininng with your father it gave me hope and I was very happy for you. Part of me thought it might not stay that way forever and I felt bad for being negative. Yes, it is a disease, but it's not YOUR disease, you know what I mean? We have the disease to have to deal with fathers like this.

I haven't spoken to mine in about a month now. He used to just call me for money. The day before my birthday he called me... I was worried he would ask me for money again, but he actually said he was going to come over on pay day and give me something. Well, that day came and went. No phone call, no explanation, nothing. I wish I had a real relationship with my father, who once told me I was ruining our relationship by not letting him borrow money all the time. Like I have an extra $100 a week to loan him. Anyway, in the past I would have called the next day and ask what happened. This would happen all the time when he borrowed money and promised to pay me back on a certain day and then leave early from work and get home really late. He gambles and drinks. Anyway, this time, since he didn't owe me anything I didn't care. The really sad thing is, my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend's dad DID remember my birthday and he lives in Illinois. He sent me a card with $40.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is I know how you feel. It's OK to be mad and give up on him. I mean, how many times can we be let down? So yeah, they have a disease, but we do not have to be a part of it. We just have to heal from the effects, and sometimes we can't do that until we seperate ourselves from them. Take care of yourself sweetie.

I'm sorry to hear this Teach

Vina's words are wise. Removing yourself from the situation isn't just good, it's right. He's responsible for his own actions and if he can't respect you, he does not deserve to have you.

I feel for ya Teacher, I truly do. Right now, I'm dealing with the fact that my girlfriend's ex is an drug addicted, alcoholic asshole who neglects his kids. He ran off to Colorado with his sleazy, washed-up porn star lookin' girlfriend. He hasn't paid child support in two months, and basically just calls every couple of days to talk to the kids. He seems to think that's enough to be a dad.

Thing is, everyone in her family tells me I'm way more of a father to those children than he ever even thought of being. Hell, even HIS OWN PARENTS tell her so!!! The guy is a loser douche-bag, and I really just wish he's get the fuck out of these children's lives. He obviously doesn't care enough to do more than place a phone call. He wants all the love and glory of being a father, but none of the responsibility. Thing is, I LOVE these kids so much. I cannot fathom how he could be that way towards them, when all I want in the world is to be their daddy.

Yeah, alcoholism is a disease, but its the only disease I can think of that people buy in cans. I'm sorry but right now I have little to no tolerance for it. Maybe I'm insensitive, but screw 'em! Your dad has let you down multiple times, and obviously loves the bottle more. That isn't a reflection on you, its a reflection on him. He's obviously missing a vital part of his soul. I can tell ya, these kids are wonderful, and it certainly isn't a reflection on them that their father is a shithead. Vina is an incredible person, and it doesn't have anything to do with her that her father is a loser. The same is true for you, Teacher. You are obviously a strong person, and its right for you to move on. He has to decide to change, and he doesn't seem willing to do that. No sense ruining your life on account of him.

JediMaster said:

Fuck. You just made me cry. That's so beautiful Jedi.

You are so great and I am so happy that you found love.



True, except I don't believe they really love the drink more. They have a physical and psychological addiction. Heck, my dad has diabetes and wont stop drinking so he can take his medication. It's a damn shame. He really wants to die. How can he really love me and take care of me? It just hurts so much though. But I can't worry about it too much anymore. I have to take care of me, and I'm not past the angry stage yet. Oh well.

VinaBlue said:

Thank you, sweetie



Yeah, that's really it. More than anything, they don't remotely love themselves. Its hard to express love for others when you are filled with such intense self-loathing.

Vina & Teacher, hang in there. Good thing is, you are both strong enough of character to not let this destroy yourselves. A whole lot of people take this kind of thing to heart, and blame themselves. Its HIS problem, not yours.

Rhondab said:

Now THAT'S what I love about this site.

True. Some of us you do not know very well, but I want to let you know that you made the right decision. A hard one. But right.

Abusive people almost never mend their ways; they just keep shifting the situation until it's in ther advantage again.



Remember your friends. Most often they are your family in more ways than your real family is. You did not make the choice of parents. But you make your choice of friends....
It seems you have some real good friends. Cherish them.

More

Shit! I am so sorry teach. At least you had that period of time when you shared a little bit more. He may realise, in time, and stop of his own will. Glad you had someone with you for support, BIG

I'm very sad to hear this, teacha. My father was a heavy drinker (I don't even like to say the "a" word), and it put him in his grave at a very early age. Don't see it as any sort of excuse for what he's done, but know that his actions stem from his illness. I spent a lot of time being angry at him for the things he'd done - and more to the point - what he hadn't done.

I know it's easier said than done, but like Rhondab said, take care of yourself first. If you base your life on how it could be if he "quit the drinking or I wouldn't be able to stay around him anymore," you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I'm not saying you shouldn't hope that he'll one day quit drinking, but if you dwell on that you're setting yourself up for constant disappointment. Sad, but true.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned in life through the actions and inactions of my parents is that it's near impossible to change others. What you can change is how you react to the way you are treated. It will upset you only as much as you allow it to upset you. It's difficult to see a lot of this until long after the fact, but I understand exactly how you feel, because I've been there many, many times.

everybody say BUMFIGHTS

hi there!

i'm sorry to hear about what happened.

i had to emotionally let go of MY WHOLE FAMILY.

ALL OF THEM.

because i was the one who wouldn't put up with my BIOLOGICAL mother's verbal abuse anymore and i called her on it.she used to drink too.so the whole family rejected me but you know what ?
I'M HAPPY .

really i am.

thank god for al-anon eh?

detach and take care of yourself.

YesterdaysFool said:

That's not funny. It's really sad. At least he's getting better.



http://www.signonsandiego...ights.html

Former 'bum' beats the bottle

Army veteran was part of infamous underground video

By Michael Stetz
STAFF WRITER

July 17, 2004

The tattoos are still there, across his knuckles, spelling "Bumfight." Rufus Hannah wants them gone one day.

But first things first.

First thing this day, as is the case every day, is no more drinking.

No more waking up and reaching for a bottle. No more downing 12-packs of cheap beer before noon.

No more falling prey to losers who gave him money and booze to do stupid, humiliating things – like ramming his head into a wall – as he did more than two years ago in the underground shock video "Bumfights."

Three young men made the video, which they sold on the Internet for $20 a copy. Filmed mostly in the San Diego area, it caused outrage and landed the producers, including a La Mesa teen, in court.

In one "Bumfights" scene, Hannah barreled down a flight of stairs in a shopping cart. He was called "Rufus the Stunt Bum."

Call him a bum no more. Call him sober. Call him employed. Call him – and this is not an exaggeration – a new man.

This weekend, Hannah is serving as a tent leader at Stand Down, the annual event that helps homeless military veterans with everything from free haircuts to legal assistance. They also can get help to beat the worst of their demons.

Hannah, 49, said he hasn't had a drink in 20 months.

"I couldn't stand it anymore," he said. "I couldn't believe what I was doing."

He was drinking, always drinking. Drunk, he would hunt for food in Dumpsters. He would sleep under bridges.

Every day, it was the same. He drank.

Then came "Bumfights" – and then a letter from his daughter, who hadn't seen her father in years. She wrote, "I can't believe you are living like this." She also told him he was a grandfather.

Hannah decided then and there to give up the booze.

He had tried to quit before. Shortly after the release of "Bumfights," he had come to this very place, Stand Down, held on the grounds of San Diego High School, to try to make a go of it. He lasted the three days, but when the tents came down, he found a liquor store.

A few months later, he entered an inpatient treatment program at the VA hospital. And this time, with after-care help from Vietnam Veterans of San Diego, it has stuck.

"It's work," Hannah said. "I go to AA. There is no cure. Sometimes I have dreams about drinking. They seem so real."

"Bumfights" was a new low in human exploitation, homeless advocates said. In one scene, a homeless man took a pair of pliers and yanked out a tooth.

Yet the most serious charges against the filmmakers – battery and soliciting a felony – were dropped because of insufficient evidence. They ultimately pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of staging an illegal fight and were ordered to perform 280 hours of community service. They smirked and laughed after the sentencing, it was reported.

A civil case bought by Hannah and another homeless man, Donald Brennan, 53, is unresolved. The young producers paid Brennan, a Vietnam War veteran, $200 to have the word "Bumfight" tattooed in 2-inch-tall letters across his forehead.

"Bumfights" reportedly sold 300,000 copies at $20 apiece. Its Web site offers a new "Bumfights" video and says a third one is in the works.

"They're pretty sick kids," Hannah said.

He's trying to put the experience behind him, but it's not easy. In one scene, he punched Brennan in the face.

"If there's one day I wish never happened, it's that one. He's my friend," said Hannah, adding that he had little idea of what he was doing because he was drunk.

Brennan still drinks, Hannah said. He wishes his friend would show up at Stand Down this weekend and begin the fight to get sober.

Not surprisingly, many people are protective of Hannah. Al Pavich, the president of Vietnam Veterans of San Diego, came by Bravo Tent, the one Hannah is helping to oversee this weekend. People had taken advantage of Hannah before, Pavich said, and he didn't want to see it happen again.

"Give me a hug, brother," Pavich said. "I'm proud of you."

Hannah's turnaround has been amazing, considering that he began drinking heavily at 14. He was raised in Swainsboro, Ga., but his childhood won't exactly make country-music fodder. He had a good family, he said, but for some reason he just took to drinking.

He can't remember when he didn't drink, unless he was in jail.

He drank Miller beer with tomato juice with his father-in-law on Sundays, while his second wife went off to church. He had a common-law wife as well, and has fathered five children.

Hannah joined the Army when he was 27 because he wanted to do electrical work instead of construction, his mainstay. His military career was short-lived, though. He fell during basic training and badly injured his elbow. After that, he got disability – and he drank.

He drank so much one night that he flipped his car five times. When he woke up the next morning, he had no memory of the accident or of picking up the two hitchhikers who miraculously survived.

After that, Hannah swore off drinking and driving. But he didn't swear off drinking.

He would buy a half-gallon of the hard stuff on weekends, and if it didn't last, he would buy gin from moonshiners.

He got drunk in Nashville one night with three friends, and they decided to go to California. That's how he ended up in San Diego in the early 1990s.

It was a hard, hard life. Hannah would sleep with a knife or a rock or a bottle. He fell – a lot. He would wake up wondering why his face was bloodied.

Then one day, a kid came up to him and offered him $5 to ram his head through some milk crates.

His only thought: "I'll have money for beer tomorrow."

Hannah swears that if he gets money from the civil suit, he won't drink it away. He may go back home to Georgia or Tennessee, where he has family.

He wants to buy a house. He smiled thinking about that, saying, "I've never owned anything before."

Thank you to all of the good people, and fuck off to the rest, jjust the one asshole. Me and dad are still not talking, we did talk on the phone and he doesn't realise at all what he did to me or how he makes me feel. Can you say no empathy?

I REALLY appreciate the kind words from "my Org family"


And I might get a dobie puppy about xmas time

Teacher

I hope the sun starts shining for you

ella731 said:

I'm sorry...

I completely understand your putting your dad out of your life because of this, I understand it all too well. I think it's a smart decision on your part. It's difficult to finally feel as though things are turning around and a relationship is developing again, especially with a parent, only to find that it is filled with false promises which lead to anger and hurt. Ultimately, it leads to nothing, as those feelings eventually die off and there aren't any more to spare on that person. There comes a time, parent or not, that someone has to let go and end it... if only for now.

I went back and forth with my father only to be let down time and time again, though not really due to alcohol. I've felt that he'd chosen another life over having me in his. I can relate to the emotions that you must have felt while things were looking up and can certainly relate to those that you must have felt when he got back on the bottle. I don't speak to my father anymore, after trying way too many times to develop a relationship with him again, and I finally sat back and wondered why I was bothering so much with it. Plain and simple, because he was my "father" and I felt that I needed that relationship... but, really, he's just a man and not a father at all and while I'll always love him, I don't need him in my life to feel that love. All he brought to my life was heartache in the end, and after too many times of false promises there simply wasn't any feeling left from my end. He is just a man and I feel nothing for him anymore, though the love of the man I knew is there.

So, yeah... I can relate and I'm sorry.

With that being said, your father is an alcoholic and while I don't feel that alcoholism is a disease, I do know that it is hard thing to rid yourself of. It sounds as though he does want to stop drinking and the main reason being for you, but just stopping is next to impossible unless he's ready to stop for himself.

What helped me, and I don't know if it will help you or not, but you've said that you two talked about how this was hurting you and he said he'd stop... perhaps writing your father a letter, writing it down in words, explaining how everything felt before and how this feels now and letting him know. let him know that you love him and... well, just everything you feel. Write him. Not only is it a release of emotions for you, but, with it being written, your father will have it there to read, time and time again. I'm not saying it is going to change the relationship or prevent him from picking up the bottle again, but words, when written, can sometimes sink in deeper than when they're being spoken and heard. For myself, when I wrote, it was to put it all to rest.



Take care of you...

Azure Thank you so much for your lengthy post, I know EXACTLY what you mean in everything you say cos I feel the same. I have tried to write him in the past, but he distances himself from it all and thinks "it's not about me", same as he did last time I talked to him and told him examples of what he did to me when he was drunk, or how he behaved and what he said. Then he said "I'm not calling you a liar, but I really don't recognize myself in what you describe."

I think I will give him a few parting shots, go over to his place and give him some images of what I grew up with "under his wings"

Thanks again Azure, you have strengthened me in my resolve