Disclaimer.....I Sinister in no way shape or form have written or stand behind any of these jokes that some of you may find fucking hillarious or insanely offensive....(in other words don't give me any shit if you are offended)

Now some jokes for those having a bad day.....(or just wanting a good laugh)




-Behind every successful woman, there is a suprised man


-Marriage is a 3 ring circus. You got the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering


-Fat people are harder to kidnap


-Due to economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off


-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to


-Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to catch you


-Atheism is a non-prophet organisation


-If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten


-Here I sit in gastly vapor
Some dumb fuck used all the paper
No longer will I sit and linger
Look out asshole here comes my finger


Restroom Graffiti



-By God, I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear


-When God made little boys, He made them out of string.
He found he had a bit too much so he left a little thing.
When God made little girls, He made them out of lace.
He found He didn't have enough so He left a little space


-Every hottie with a body needs a cutie with a booty


-I own a map of the United States, its actual size. When somebody asks me where I live, I say:"E-5


-Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.


-God put me on earth to do a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll never die


-I think, therefore I'm single


-Republicans....
Democrats....
Same shit, different piles...



-Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday


-Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love!


-Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read


-Knowledge pursues me, but I am faster


-I told my psychiatrist that everyone hated me. He told me I was being ridiculous. Everyone hadn't met me yet


-You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.



-When your old first you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.



-We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

-Due to economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off

I love that

when i was young i had no sense i stuck my dick in an electric fence
it curled my hair and tickled my balls and it made me shit in my overalls
[This message was edited Thu Jul 29 16:32:51 2004 by TheRealFiness]

This one is from Steven Wright's recording I Have A Pony from 1985. Good stuff on there!

An example of Wright's jokes:

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"
"What's another word for thesaurus?"
"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now."
"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, you have to 'put your two cents in?' Somebody's making a penny."
"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there."
"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger."
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot."
"We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."

-We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. She takes not one fucking bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"


-Friends are like condoms: they protect you when things get hard.


-We are searching for rational reasons for believing in the absurd


-IRS's motto: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!


-Remember, desperation leads to masturbation.



-Did you hear about the Pilsbury Dough Boy? He's in the hospital, he has a yeast infection.



-When a guy says "Suck it!" I say, "Sorry but I choke on small objects"


-If the Pope takes a dump, is it Holy shit?


-Guys are like lava lamps: good to look at, but not very bright


-We don't have a town drunk. We all share the responsibilty


-Although the rotary engine was invented by a man called Wankel, it has nothing to do with masturbation. Confusion over this has lead to numerous nasty accidents


-When you see someone you haven't seen for ages, try this: say, "Hey, you've lost weight, haven't you? Turn around," and when they turn around say, "Oh no. There it is."



-If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy!



-Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.


-Mean people suck, nice people swallow


-Top 10 Ways to Make School More Interesting For Teenagers
10. In Biology class, dissect the least popular student.
9. Automatic "A" in Spanish if you've ever eaten at Taco Bell.
8. Everyday at 2 PM: schoolwide booty call 7. Instead of "Father of Our Country," refer to Washington as the "Puff Daddy of Our Country.
6. When handing out condoms, throw in a free motel room.
5. Give 10 points extra credit for each body piercing.
4. New curriculum: reading, writing, and wrecking stuff.
3. Simplify geography to "America" and "them foreign bastards".
2. Sex ed. includes weekly field trip to Hooters.
1. Fail a test, win a dirt bike.


David Letterman



-If all else fails, lower your standards.


-So I said if this is the House of Pancakes, how come I can't eat the walls?

Sinister said:

thanx for the cool jokes

-DAAD: Drug addicts against drugs

-D.A.M.M. --> Drunks Against Mad Mothers


-All right brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll go back to killing you with beer.


-People who are fond of laws and sasuages should not look too closely at how they are made



-You're as useful as a screen door on a submarine!


-One by One the penguins steal my sanity....

mental patient


-The more men I meet, the more I admire a dog



-I smile because I have no idea what is going on.



-Never underestimate the predictability of stupidity



-I'm out..... like a boner in sweatpants


-I'm out..... like a fat girl in dodgeball



-Second place is like being the tallest midget: No one cares.



-I'd smack you but shit splatters!



-Honda Civics are like tampons, every pussy has one


-If you love him, have some class. Don't write his name where you wipe your ass.

Writing on High School Bathroom stall



-I'm out.....like a blind kid in laser tag.



-Lets make like a fetus and head out



-Ya gotta hate it when guys use the wrong head to make up their minds



-This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier, U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.





-When it comes to baldness, it's not about losing more hair, it's about getting more head.




-Lets make like a fetus and get out of this mother


-Let's make like sheep and get the flock outta here


-God Made armpits so we don't have to stick our hands up our asses when it's cold


-Life's a bitch. Be its pimp.


-Suicide is a way of telling God "You can't fire me... I QUIT."

I'm still having a bad day.

theVelvetRoper said:

Well then wait till monday and refer to Dr Phil.....he comes on in the afternoons.....

-Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.


-Accountants are the best lovers. They can do it all night long and keep their balance!



-Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain


-You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach a stupid dog old tricks either


-The yearning for sex is really a dyslexic search for love.


-There are two choices in life: Stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead


-You leave white people alone in constant isolation for 2,000 years, and you know what their musical contribution will be? Riverdance!


-If you drink, don't Park. Accidents cause people


-I finally found out how to make powdered water, but now I don't know what to add


-I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me


-Optomists proclaim this is the best of all possible worlds to live in. Pestimists believe this to be true.



-The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk


-Well the Lord surely must have enjoyed S&M, or he wouldn't have said, "Turn the other cheek


-What do they call Bill Clinton's zipper?

The "U.S. Open"



-I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff


-Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1837.


-I'm out like a fat kid trying to steal homebase.

Where'd ya get all this?

kiss85 said:

I have my sources Hi kiss how are you today beautiful?

Sinister said:

A-Ok, babe.