So, we met with the attorney to get the divorce started again... all was fine until I signed the papers and tears welled up in my eyes. I dunno. *sigh* The attorney thinks that perhaps we should reconsider. Telling us we are a stunning couple... we get along too well, he doesn't sense that either one of us really wants this, etc., etc... Because of that, he is not allowing the papers to be filed until next Thursday... reminding us over and over that he can cancel the divorce at any time once filed. I cannot believe I cried... though I held my composure, somewhat, until I reached my car where the sobbing began.

I am so undecided. I feel so lost, not knowing what is right and what is wrong. It's just... well... it just is. Wow. The last couple of times we filed, I was okay... and I think because I knew that we would cancel it... this time, it's different. It's like it really is the end. I even went against taking on my maiden name this time... wanted to have the same name as my kids, even though the last two times I requested to take back my maiden name.

It just feels soooo... I don't know. I am so mixed up.

To those who've been through this... what were your emotions during this time? Did you feel lost and completely mixed up, or were you very certain of what you wanted?

I haven't been through a divorce, but my boyfriend of 4 years is moving out next month. And we keep fluctuating about our decision. When you talked about how this past year (or two...I cant' remember exactly) was the best year in your marriage, I kinda wondered what would happen when my boyfriend moves out. Are we going to want to get back together? Right now I feel like we shouldn't be together. We get along, but the same kind of arguments keep coming up and that's when I feel like I have to get out. Overall, it's sad for me but I FEEL better when I make a decision to "leave". When I think about working it out, I feel ill.

So, you have to go by how you feel. It's good that your attorney is letting you think about it more for a week. It's important to be sure. So wait and see how you feel. Sorry I can't be of more help. Take some time out for yourself... a few days if you can. Really think about what you want and need. I hope you feel better.

POOK said:

I don't want it 100%. He doesn't cheat. We tried working it out twice within the past year, but I cringe whenever he touches me, which, I think is due to eleven years of being beaten down emotionally. He's changed a lot of his ways... but, I can't get close to him in that way. He's got a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend... which won't last (me and the guy I'm with).

I miss him, yet I don't. I want him, yet I don't think I am ready to go back to that. I don't know if our living separate lives for nearly two years will allow us to be together. We're filing again, and it's actually going through, because I ran as fast as I could the moment we became too close this last time that we tried working things out.

A part of me thinks, go back... no one and no marriage is perfect, deal with it, work on things... yet, all of those emotions from the past creep in and I freak. We tried counseling for a bit, didn't work. The other part of me says go along with what you're doing... living by the seat of your pants, knowing full well that you're with a guy that isn't right for you... yet, I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be over with.

I can't have my cake and eat it too. I realize this. But, I don't think that we're ready to have things "okay"... I love him dearly. He's my best friend. I just really don't know what to think.

After reading Cborgman's post, I know that this is so small in comparison, and that I shouldn't really be worrying or stressing too much about it. It's nothing compared to what that family is going through.

AzureStarr said:

I was going to add to POOKs post...that if he abused you...that is another thing that probably wouldn't change...just like cheating. I think that maybe you two are getting along better now because you've both got other people in your lives and the pressure is off...so, you're free to express yourselves in ways you couldn't before. But, if you get back into the same kind of relationship, old patters are likely to resurface.
Just some thoughts and experience

POOK said:

I am tired of these posts from you POOK!

No, marriage is not something we get to try on and take off to see if it fits, it's supposed to be forever, but telling Heather it's her job to "work it out" is ignorant and insensitive. You have no clue as to the emotion carnage she is going through right now in even having to discuss this subject, much less actually hiring a lawyer, paying money, and signing these papers.

I'm here for you Heather! For support, not judgement...

VinaBlue said:

Yep, same thing. We've gotten along so well since I left him. He is so understanding of me and, I really couldn't have a better person in my life to be as understanding as he has been with my emotions. How you and your boyfriend keep having the same arguments... that's how we were... we'd have the same problems, over and over, and nothing would ever get resolved. Which, is why I ended up leaving. Nothing ever changed for more than a week or two, and, at the time, he claimed that is how marriage was. I said, that it can't be that way... that issues need to be resolved, sure, there'll be problems, but it can't be the same ones, time and time again. Now I wonder if he's right and I'm wrong. Perhaps I have this ideal marriage in my head and perhaps that is what marriage is supposed to be. Maybe I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, or maybe I'm just scared at what the future will now bring. I don't know...

Thinking about it does no good... lol. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I should want or what I should expect. I've really got no idea.

Thank you for your post, Vina... I really need that book that outlines my life and tells me what will happen down the road with each decision that I make!

applekisses said:

That's the thing... we've always expressed ourselves when together, the same as we do now that we've been apart. He was just controlling to the point of knowing exactly how to work it so that I was... he was the father, I was the child. That is what I know... that is what I also miss, to a point. That is where the confusion lies.

Really, after just now thinking about this... the only thing that's changed since I've left him, regarding the relationship that the two of us have, is that he cannot control me. Everything else is the same between us (not talking about the kids here... strictly the two of us), we joke, we laugh, we hug, we smile, we argue like cats and dogs and within an hour we're fine... we're Eric and Heather... but... there is more of me than was allowed to "be" when we were together.

AzureStarr said:

That's the thing...he's given up the control over you because the pressure of the type of relationship (full-time, living together hubby and wife) is off. I'm curious whether or not he is controlling with his current girlfriend. I wonder if he's not trying to control you (and therefore you can be more of yourself with him now) because he's fulfilling his need to control with the girlfriend.

And, also, just because you guys get officially divorced doesn't mean that things will be different than they are now. They will be the same...no little piece of paper will stand between you

kendogg said:

Thanks, you... though, I don't think POOK meant any disrespect in his post. And, to be honest, marriage is something that should try to be worked out, which I tried to do 75% of the time we were married. Finally, I gave up when someone pointed out to me that I didn't have to wait for my ducks to get in a row.

But, then I think, perhaps now that I have left and he has changed some of the things that were HUGE issues, if maybe I shouldn't just give it a good effort. But, in order to do that, I would have to give it my all... and once I were to go back, if I did, there'd me no going away again, regardless of how things turned out, because I wouldn't put my kids through that. That, to me, is scary... because, now that I've had a taste of life, now that I've actually been outside of the house and am not the quiet little mouse I was programmed to be, would I be able to be the actress that I was for all of those years and keep silent to keep the peace in the house? I think that would destroy me more than before... when I didn't know what was out there in the world... when I didn't know what I was missing.

Luckily, the lawyer was kind enough to do this all for free, making sure Eric knew that he was looking into my best interests and not his, though... everything that Eric and I decided on between ourselves is what went into the papers. I want nothing but the kids and the child support we agreed upon. Everything else he keeps... the house, the bank account, everything. And, Eric is paying the $180 filing fee, sooo... at least there's not the stress of money to stack on top of it.

applekisses said:

I don't know how he is with the new girlfriend... we've yet to meet and she's pretty much a "secret". The last one... (which finally was arrested last Sunday and brought back to Michigan to spend two days in jail... yay!), he wasn't controlling with. He was the man that I always wanted him to be with me... to her. Even though she was psycho... I appreciate the fact that she was in his life, as does he, because he realized upon being with her, the way he was to me... that's what finally opened his eyes to see that I wasn't just nagging or bitching, that he really was emotionally abusing me... which brought him to change.

And, that's what I keep thinking.. that even if the paper's are signed and the divorce is finalized within 4 weeks-6 months (they say it may go through in four weeks because we've been apart for so long and things are "cool" that they may not wait the 6 months they normally do because of the kids)... though, the attorney said he would suggest we ask for the full six months. Who knows... years down the road things could work out. People do that, eh? I hate this.

AzureStarr said:

That last line really rings with me. I have fun with my boyfriend, he makes me laugh, we have amazing sex, we go out to dinner, we had a small party last weekend with his friends and my friends... But I cannot be the ultimate expression of who I am with him. In my case, opposites attract to a certain point, then it's serious clashing.

I wish I could be of help my dearest friend.. We go way back and I know the circumstances, and the pain you went through..

You have broken the coccoon, and have blossomed into the most beautiful butterfly, ever.

Search your soul, there you will find your answer.

AzureStarr said:

I was just thinking that This might not be the end...it could be a begining. You can never predict the future and things are never as cut and dry as we think they are (if we let them NOT be.) If you have an open mind and no expectations...you never know what could happen. It's not the death of your connection to him...is the death of a bad relationship...but, it IS possible to have many different kinds of relationships with the same person.
Hang in there hon...

sag10 said:

Thank you, Sag... you've really been there with a listening ear and shoulder during the last years of my marriage.

Hey... did I share that poem with you that I wrote about five years ago? Is that what that line is referring to?

That's the problem... I don't know how to search my soul... this you should know by now!

applekisses said:

Gonna try and hang in there...

Thank you...

kendogg said:

HEY PAL SHE ASK

THERE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SUPPORT

AND ALWAYS AGREEING

POOK NEVER JUDGE AZURE!

VinaBlue said:

jesus... you and applekisses both... that's really tough to take. Believe it or not, I get attached to orger's relationships... so it's really sad for me when they end.

AzureStarr said:

I think it's cool that he's changed a lot. It sounds like you have made some changes too. If you cringe when he touches you, maybe the memory of how it was before is too strong. Maybe that would make it hard to really be different with each other. I know I want to make changes within myself so I don't keep attracting the same kind of relationship.

Have you talked with him about it? Does he want to stay together? Issues DO need to be resolved, relationships shouldn't be miserable and confusing. My boyfriend used to say that too, that problems were "real-life" and "happily ever after" was a fantasy. Now he's the one who said we need to re-evaluate our relationship because we are fundamentally different and a relationship shouldn't be "work". I guess that's is where the problem is, we are ALL confused! I think the most important thing to ask is, am I on the path I want to be on? Can I be who I want to be with this person?

Natsume said:

Thanks. It does suck, but I'm also looking forward to my new life. I'm just taking it day by day. It's amazing how so many of us go through the same things around the same times.

I am going through a divorce, although because he was abusive. I decided I don't wanna live like that and I could see what it was doing to the kids (he was abusive to them too). Of course filing for a divorce is hard as you may still love the person, it is life grieving over a death. Why do you want to divorce? What are your reasons? You have to really decide if that is what you want, do some soul searching. Maybe you guys just need counselling to deal with your issues and yes counselling and fixing a marriage take TIME. If he fooled around on you, let's say, then you have to accept that this is how he will always be. If he was mean to you, then that is how he will always be. What you see when you are dating is what you are going to get when you get married. A piece of paper means nothing. Maybe you saw things you did not like before you got married. Some women figure that once they marry the guy that they can "change" him - not true.

It hurt me to file for divorce, yes I loved the man, but I could not live in an abusive relationship anymore and the fact he was in denial. He cannot seem to let go, the "power and control", he likes that. The divorce is not final YET, but, I don't have any feelings of love for the man anymore - my feelings for him are dead.

Do some soul searching, get counselling, talk to close friend and family. Can you live with him the way things are going for the next 25 years?

I think you are scared to take the step to divorce. Maybe you are afraid to be alone. I have 3 kids, I work full-time, life without him is better than it ever was. Ask yourself this question: Will it be better with him or without him?

Staying in a marriage "for the sake of the children" is outdated, there was a time adults did that. Now not anymore. There father can still see them through exercising his access rights to see the children. And he will always be their father. Maybe one day you will meet someone better. It is not the end of the world.

Man there is a lot of divorces happening here....

Been close a few times myself over the years, but I always compromise... I do it for my kids... they need dad there everyday and it is my responsibility to them.....

I wouldn't give advice on this topic because I have my own fucked up situation, but I hope you do what is best for you

Smooches;)

AzureStarr said:

I love you Azure, if you need me I am right here.

And yes, it was from that poem.

VinaBlue said:

Yeah, it's extremely cool that he's changed a lot. However, I suppose a large part of me wonders if things would go back to how they were, not so much out of anyone trying to be hurtful, but because that is what we've both known for so long... you know, sort of falling right back into it all because it's familiar. That's scary. It's very scary for me. On the other hand, what if they didn't fall back into that? How would our lives then be? You know?

Yes, we've had endless discussions about it. He wants me back, never wanted me to leave, admitted that he never thought I'd leave, very surprised when I did. He wants to work things out... I do, too, sort of... however, like I said, when it comes to that, everything just comes to the surface, all of those old feelings... no self-worth, afraid to do something wrong, not wanting to fall asleep because he'll touch me, so hoping he falls asleep first (he never, ever did anything wrong to me sexually... it was merely a case of my not wanting to be touched by the man that ran my life).

After having a taste of life outside of a prison... I kinda like it. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone, I enjoy doing what I want to do when I want to do it, I enjoy having my own friends and not his friends, etc... I don't know how I would feel, being back in it and having had a taste of freedom. Would it be worse? I don't know. Would it be better? I don't know.

Then, I think... well, I've had other relationships since I've left. There is only one that concerns me, if I were to go back. Would I be able to fully be "the wife" again and forget that particular relationship and put it aside, or would I dwell upon what that relationship was and start to resent that I am now in my marriage again? You know?

He says he'll love me forever, that he'll always be there for me. But, the reason why we are doing this now, is because, during our last attempt, well... actually, there was no attempt. What it was is I became scared. I wanted him, I told him I realized I wanted "us"... I wanted a family again. I wanted to work things out. I wanted to move back, I wanted to be happy with him. I can't see myself with anyone, other than him, if I look into the future... I see him. Then... I became scared and went into a shell. Keeping silent and waiting for it to pass over like it never happened, which I do when I don't want to deal with life. Completely hurting him, destroying myself and not knowing what to do. So, the only other option was to move forward with the whole thing and get it over with and be done with it. So, that's what we're doing.

And, I mean it when I say that he is the most understanding person that I've ever known. During this whole thing, he's been the best. He understands that I am... well... that I don't know what I want and that I'm scared to be out "here" in the world. He understands that I am scared. Things just need to move on. If I were to call him now and say let's stop this thing... it would be stopped and that would be that. But, not knowing if that's the best thing for the children, him and myself, is the scary part. Not knowing if going through with it is the best is even more frightening.

About your last comment... am I on the path I want to be on? Fuck if I know. I seriously know nothing about what I want or don't want. My head is a mess. I don't think I've ever known what I've wanted. I met him at a young age and for the past, well, nearly twelve years, he's all I've known... life with him and how it was is all I've known. What do I want? I can't answer that. Can I be who I want to be with him? I don't really even know who I am. I'm starting fresh, trying to discover who it is that I am, because, I really have no idea who that person is. He made and molded me into who I am today. Is that me? If it isn't... who am I?

I hope things work out, either way, with you and your boyfriend. It's a difficult thing. Best of luck to you, Vina...




.
[This message was edited Fri Jul 23 10:44:23 2004 by AzureStarr]

kendogg said:

That is a very mature thing to do, but you have to also consider the fact that staying in an unhappy marriage....not to inply that YOUR marriage is unhappy...just for the kids, may not be such a good thing. Kids are very smart and can easily pick up on hostility and resentment. They don't want to see mommy and daddy angry. If you are happier apart, that would be best for the kids in the long run.....Atleast that is what I tell myself

Smooches;)

MsMisha319 said:

Like, as in... MISHA from the purple and black days?!

Yes

How are you??

Smooches;)

luv4u said:

First off, I'm sorry to hear that your husband was abusive and that you and your children went through that. From an adult who went through seeing her mother abused and being abused herself... I'm happy to hear that you're getting out.

I would never stay in a marriage for the sake of the children. Well, I can't say that. If I wasn't convinced that my ducks didn't need to be in a row, perhaps I'd still be there and that would be life for myself and my kids. However... no situation is worth staying in for the sake of the children. My leaving him helped my kids. It helped my husband. Prior to my leaving they didn't know their father. He did nothing with them, never acknowledged them, rarely saw them. Since I've left... they have a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. Which I love. Which is what I wanted when I was with him. Everything I wanted while with him, that was never there... is now there. It took my leaving to change certain things.