Here is the sequel to the highly successful jokes for a bad day!

-Winston Churchhill once walked into the toilets of the House of Commons to find no room at the urinal, so he walked into one of the stalls. While in there he could hear Labour MPs saying "now he can't even pee with the rest of us", to which he peered over the top of the stall and replied "no it's just that if you saw something this big you would want to privatize it".


-Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.


-If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy.


-Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.


-In the sixties, normal people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.



-Why do our noses run and our feet smell?


-Suppose you were a Congressman. Suppose you were an idiot. But I repeat myself.


-I believe that 5 out of 4 people are bad at fractions.


-"I've also always been fascinated by weddings... those surreal performances where the audience plays an integral part -- the joy, the sadness, the passion... all unfolding firstly in a house where God is served and ultimately in a house where beer is served... the knife inserted ritually into the virginal white cake to reveal the dark fruity interior... that ugly pagan concept of the father handing over his daughter to her new master... the mothers crying because they're losing a daughter, the page boys crying because they have to wear such stupid clothes... those embarrassing speeches and drunken uncles on the dance floor..."



-Carpe Diem: Seize the day
Carp e denim: Theres a fish in my pants


-Happiness is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.


-Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain


-I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity


-My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don't. I don't drink any less, but I don't drink any more.

thanks sin! those were hilarious!

-Be back later...my dog ate my car keys....we are hitchhiking to the vet's office.


-I'm in shape.... round's a shape.


-New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, 'I'd like a card.' He says, 'You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.' So I stabbed him."


-Don't think of a "F" as failure, think of it as a one-legged "A."


-Discourage incest, ban country music


-I phoned my father to tell him I had stopped smoking... He called me a quitter.



-"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."


-One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.


-I'm an angel! honest! The horns are just there to hold up the halo


-Darlin', I'd walk three miles over broken glass in bare feet to kiss the ass of the dog that pissed on the hubcap of the truck that took your panties to the cleaners!"



-Your village called, their idiot is missing


-Trying is the first step towards faliure.


-Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?



-'Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.

Sinister said:

all of these deserve a big absolutely hilarious!!!


yeah, so what!?!? u got a problem with my edits! let's take this outside punk!
[This message was edited Fri Jul 16 14:36:27 2004 by fantasyislander]

How to speak about men and be Politically Correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC VISION

How to speak about women and be Politically Correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Sinister said:

hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahaha

that is one of the funniest i've heard!

i love jokes! keep 'em comin'!

fantasyislander said:

I will post more tommorrow.....

Sinister said:

may i borrow this one??

my main complaint with datin' white guys is that most (not all) have a problem dancing...or i have a problem with their dancing. i go out dancing between 2-5 times a month and can't stand dancin with someone who has no rhythm. or men who flail their arms around like their drowning or having a seizure. or who don't move their feet like they are stuck to the dance floor and only wiggle their bums from side to side.
ahhhh the hardships i face...

Sinister said:

TheFrog said:

awww...c'mon thats funny and you know it!!!

not all white guys are bad dancers but its most def a 70-30 split not in their favor.

-Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"


-It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."


-"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"



-"I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four."

Homer Simpson


-If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English."


-Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."

Homer Simpson


-I used to be undecided, but now I'm not so sure.



-I'm not a dumb blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!



-Originality is the art of concealing your sources.



-What's another word for thesaurus?



-Artists get to color the sky red because they know damn well that it's blue. But the rest of us non-artists have to color it blue, otherwise people might just think we're stupid.


-Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.



-While I'm fully aware that money can't buy happiness, I wouldn't mind being known as that melancholy guy who drives the red Lamborghini Diablo.



-I'll keep it short and sweet: family, religion, and friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.



-Here's to a long life and a merry one
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and a true one
A cold beer - and another one.



-Never knock on Death's door -- ring the doorbell and run. He hates that.


-Why is the word Long shorter than Short?



-May the Lord reach out to you with his guiding hand and smack you upside the head with it.



-I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends.

Sinister said:

Please don't!

TheFrog said:

And?Sini don't insult froggie now

MsSmartypants said:

Well if it isn't MsSweatypanties.....come to hear a joke or be one?

AndGodCreatedMe said:

When did I insult Frog?!?! I didnt say nuttin....I just post em....maybe I should put a disclaimer now....

-This just in: Your favorite band sucks.


-If you melt dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet?


-I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas and put on my prayers, turned off my bed and jumped into the light....all because you kissed me goodnight!



-"Damn you to hell. Or Texas."


-Some people think sex is like jogging... You can last longer the more you do it. Others think that its like golf... You get better the more you do it... I think it's like running down a road swinging a pitching wedge at a whiffle ball.


-In the days of old when knights were bold, and condoms weren't invented. They used their socks to tie their cocks, and babies were prevented.



-Sex is a sensation that starts with a temptation where a boy puts his location in a girls destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Do you get my explanaton or do you need a demonstration?


-You can trust the government, just ask the Indians


-Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened


-87 % of all statistics are just made up


-My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was. You're lucky to get out alive


-People are just apes with a cultivated tuft of hair


-I'm going home.

a Chinese guy digging a hole at the beach



-If guys had their period, we'd probably brag about the size of our tampons



-It doesn't do any good to stand on the seat. The crabs in this joint can jump eight feet!

Ladies room wall, Wooden Nickle Bar


-There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them


-When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!



-mother is a botanist, and she even names a flower after me. It's called the Bloomin' Idiot.


-Two quotes that cowboys say that are lies:
"I got this here belt buckle at a rodeo," and
"Honestly officer, I was helping the sheep over the fence."


-Definition of pain: Jumping off The Empire State Building and landing on a bicycle with no seat.

Defintion of a miracle: Getting off.



-Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one, and everyone thinks everyone else's stink.



-Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and you stand alone.



-God created men first because you always need a rough draft before the final masterpiece!



-Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


-Officer: "gee son....your eyes look red, have you been drinkin?" Drunk: "gee officer...your eye's look glazed, have you been eating dounuts?"


-People who live in glass houses, shouldnt walk around naked


-Don't sweat the petty things but also, don't pet the sweaty things.