The top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

HEY GUYS! NEXT TIME REMEMBER THESE RULES AND THE LADY MAY INVITE YOU BACK.

suomynona said:

I agree with a lot of this but some women DO actually like the dirty talk...

"Washboard stomach with a 6-pack ass" - hmm, could make a good song, may have 2 write that!

'dre

i gonna print that out and keep one handy for any future prospective partners




oh so true, might have to tipex out a few though, i a bad girlie sometimes

When I first had sex, I was not very good and most of those points u made were right (the wrong way)! Over time and experience I learned but those who r new to this NEED to read all of this as it is very good (and funny) actually!


Luckily my first was a virgin like I was and when we regularly did it, we learned together so i was lucky really.....

AMEN! THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!

Problems I've had with men

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.


26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.


29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings

i feel honoured, cuz im Romanian, but i aint no gymnast.

suomynona said:

i'd like to elaborate on this one a little if i may....


nibble on the earlobe, suck on the earlobe, lick on the earlobe...but don't...i repeat DON'T stick your tongue in my ear. does ANYONE like this??!!?? a very loud wet squishy noise directly into my ear drum is NOT erotic...its just wet. and annoying.

Well what can i say, U choose the men u sleep with, soo maybe its ya fault, and if u dont like what the do, why cant ya jus tell em instead of continuing this pointless war of the sexes by posting shit like this? Huh?
Joka.

good stuff

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY

this list is highly accurate, I wish that more men could read this

lillith said:

God I get chills just thinking about that.

minneapolisgenius said:

I KNOW!!!!! does this actually turn anyone on?? i can't count the number of times a man has stuck his tongue so far down my ear-hole that i'm sure he's tasting my pancreas. i say the same thing everytime...."EWWWWW...do you really think that does something for me??"

it certainly stops it from happening again...of course i don't usually give that guy another chance. i can't waste my time with a guy who takes his love-making skills from the six year old next door. like really!!! i'm almost sure if i take a poll everyone would be unanimous...

lillith said:

You should start a thread about it, and take a poll.

ella731 said:

good luck on that. most men have a difficult time accepting criticism/instruction.

Oh, good lord... ...like women are one-size-fit-all and there's this singular manual that's appropriate for every female on the planet...sheesh..lol

A basic rule that ALWAYS applies: women are individuals, with individual bodies and individual minds, hearts and souls, and who's likes/dislikes are as individual as they are...

Want another one??...Here goes: true, sincere intimacy & passionate love trumps ALL the things listed above. With both, you'll both grow to share trust and respect with one another...which means you'll both want to know and discover all you can about one another...and yes, that includes in bed. Inhibitions tend to drop quickly when intimacy, love, trust and respect reign between two people...

Sex is mental & emotional far more than it is physical...that's a tip, folks.

Byron said:

It's like Sex in the City up in here.....run Byron run!

Sarah Jessica Parker edit....
[This message was edited Thu Jul 15 15:33:52 2004 by Sinister]

Byron said:

OOOoooh really?!

Sinister said:

AzureStarr said:

Yesssss, really...

I pass the test on all of these except for #6, but she likes it so that's okay.

MrJoker said:

Have you ever had your nipples twiddled in the pale moonlight? I ask that of all my all my women I just like the sound of it.....



Holy Bat nipples edit....
[This message was edited Thu Jul 15 16:10:08 2004 by Sinister]

No 41:- I know guys who have female foot fetishes (hell not me though) and i know the people I've bedded would not like any feet licking, but then I didn't ask so..... surely most girls ain't tuened on by that odd shit r they? Has anyone man done this too u and u didn't like this?

Sinister said:

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

Hmmmm...some girls LIKE that!


37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

Actually, I think she's a bad lay if she doesn't like dirty talk. Those dirty words are EXCITING! I dislike prudes...

Byron said:

I agree, it is up to the individual woman. About 3 years ago I was with this girl that liked to be spanked (hard), bitten(hard) , spit on, and called names. I was freaked out about it at first that she was serious, and eventually I went along with it. She was kinda freaky, so some of the things on that list wouldn't apply to some women.

For anyone who criticized this list:


I'm pretty sure the point was; "Don't do this shit unless you know she likes it."