Here are some jokes for you....


-As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian.


-Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.


-Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.


-Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.


-Wonder what would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?


-I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work.


-Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it!


-Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.



-Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!
Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.


-I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.


-Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


-Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.

Thank You



very amusing except the last one

good news is my day is nearly over I will soon be in bed and tomorrow can only get better

hurrah!

except i just remember i'm back at work

Sinister said:

LMAO!

Sinister said:

Gotta love them Brits for being witty.

-If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

-I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

-Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

-You wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing "Subtle Plans are Here Again."

-All my llife I wanted to be someone ; I guess I should of been more specific

-Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts

-Is there a number higher than infinity?" "Oh yes- infinity plus shipping and handling"

-It may be Winter outside, but it's always Summer in your armpit

-Eat healthy, exercise more, still die

-I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it

-The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and then they go and marry him

-Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

-I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners

-The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty

-It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need, and all the militaty has to do is have a bake sale for a new bomber

I hope these are cheering you up!


-All I want to know is who the man is that looked at a cow and said "I think I drink from whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them.


-Do not walk behind me for you are not my slave, and do not walk next to me, even though you are my equal.. but walk five steps in front of me cause baby you got a nice ass



-PROCRASTINATION: Hard work often pays off in the future, but laziness always pays off now


-There are three types of people in this world: those who can count and those who can't. (think about it)


-Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell are you to think
I'm not under what you call
The alchofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here,
The longer I get
So just give me one more drink to fill my cup
Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up


-I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's the best they're going to feel all day

-Children in the dark cause accidents. Accidents in the dark cause children


-Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships

-If a man says something in a forest, and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?


-Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk


-Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply

-I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it

Thanks - they are funny - hey what are you doing up so late tonight?

cocogrille said:

Don't have to go to work tommorrow....Glad to see me?

Thanx Sinny

Oh but if I am not having a bad day and I am having a good day, am I still allowed to post on this thread?

Sinister said:

Always glad to see you Sinister you know that -

REDFEATHERS said:

Yes cause this thread is a cure for bad days but is also a preventive measure for bad days...

cocogrille said:

Coco you make a former man whore want to come out of retirement....(Stop that!)

Sinister said:

But the jokes dont make me happy now I know you arent a man whore

Sinister said:

More than happy to keep playing if it will make you come, umm er - out of retirement

REDFEATHERS said:

Red - if we do things just right, I bet he is still one at heart

senik said:

Don't ya think its true?

cocogrille said:

Thats just what I posted on the other thread

REDFEATHERS said:

Great minds think alike.

cocogrille said:

Oh

Thanx Sinister! I can't begin to explain how much your jokes have cheered me up, a much needed thing after the last week! Thanx again!

-Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.


-I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


-Those who never quit are winners;
and those who never win are quitters.
But those who never win nor quit,
are idiots.


-The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.



-Father always said laughter was the best medicine, I guess that's why so many of us died of tuberculosis.


-Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.


-If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


-I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me. Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her weight-loss)


-If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable


-If you try to fail, and you succeed, which have you done?


-I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!


-All employees: Please piss on your hands before returning to work; the water here is filthy.


-Nobody has figured out the meaning of life, yet almost everyone knows how to make pudding... I don't get it.



-You know, evil comes in many forms, be it a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin. But you can't let the package hide the pudding. Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it! You gotta smack it on the nose with the rolled up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog! Bad dog!


-There's too much blood in my caffeine system.


-I'm at a stage in my life where I'm having a hard time caring about things. Fortunately, I don't care.


-Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!


-"One day in the middle of the night Two dead boys got up for a fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other A deaf policeman heard the noise And came to shoot the two dead boys If you dont believe this lie is true Ask the blind man he saw it too" Said the mute carpenter As he picked up his hammer and sawed."

Sinister said:

this is why I love you

Awwww

Just a cuddle would be nice.Please.

JDINTERACTIVE said: