He may be bitter, he may be mean, but the dude is fucking hilarious!


George Carlin

Some Carlin Quotes




Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.


I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.


Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?


When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?


If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?


When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?


I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?


If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?


What if there were no hypothetical questions?


Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.


Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.


Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.


I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.


May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.


Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?


If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?


I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


Electricity is really just organized lightning.


Women like silent men, they think they're listening.


"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?


Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.


If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?


Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.


I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.


Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?


I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.


There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.


At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.


As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.


The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.


Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.


Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.


I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.


The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.


Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!


This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...
George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George Carlin

The status quo sucks.
George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
George Carlin

Think off-center.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
George Carlin

i second that!!

Milty said:

"Name 5 ways that we are better than chickens ..(pause)...see, nobody can. You know why, because chickens are decent people. When was the last time you heard of a chicken going home and beating the shit out of his hen. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs...because chickens are decent people"

exactly

Baseball and Football
by George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

I love George Carlin, love his shit.