Not to mention ducking and parrying each blow. I'm accustomed to being in this hole, this one has to have some other form of escape i haven't found yet. I mean all i'm trying to do is go away. Here i don't have any reason to stay. I'm an expense and a liability and way passed my use by date. Come to think of it, anywhere, i'm an expense and a liability that is only going to cost more to take care of the older i get, not a very good bargain even if i do have a brain. My useful life may only be another ten years. My son got a text back, my daughter is in Auckland. Neither of us knew she was out of the country. I told my son i wasn't happy with the level of detachment he and my daughter have achieved. I did not raise them to be this way their father did that. I don't like it and i don't accept it. I asked him what i had to do, go to court and have them charged with abandonment and neglect therefore abuse by neglect. Without so much as a by your leave this country has divested me of a living and a family why in God's name would i want to remain here to be furter abused. Yes, i'm stuck on the hamster wheel going through the motions of life and never living it. This is way more than i ever expected to get even with all the mould. The agents didn't do the inspection so far, they were supposed to be here between 11 and 2, no shows. I sent my son a text to that effect. It's a legal record that they didn't come here today, as is this also. Oh and about the 'do', for rocking on let it flow as round as u like, for whitebread cred, well, oh so intimidating with the off centred parting and short. It's a matter of the means know what i mean? He just so nails it in that interview with the yellow suit and black shirt and rimless glasses, knees went to jelly, thing is it's always u being truly u that does it for me. I won't let anyone else influence me. U only sorta! This is the one i got today. Starting from a broad solid base u are my brother. We can be friends coz if we can't be friends neither can we be any other. Remembering i began from no battles to fight, God said. No, axes to grind, no scores to settle and no war of the sexes to win. I give all of the spotless one to the man i Love, from there do I end and we begin. My Grace under fire is sweetness in adversity. I have a deal with God, i'll always look for the funny side. My true delight is making a home and enjoying it. It makes me a recluse though. Oh i got a dopey text about winning 500 thousand something, +44 prefix is uk, one of the free lotto things. I won half a million pounds yeah right, i x'ed it twice, it had MicroSoft in the top line where it said i'd won. I knew it was a scam so i just deleted it. I've got this aversion to it. I don't want to touch the crap. It makes me sick. It's caused nothing but trouble there's always enough to get by, i have two large expenses that will take all i have, the tooth and the electricity bill that will be in this week, autumn quarter, it's going to be over 300 that will clean out all the savings again. It seems to be evapourating. I was going to the bank today to get a statement. I have been staying home, not spending any money going without to have enough to buy a ticket out after the paperwork, i was sure there was 500 in the savings account. I cut back every cent of spending i could and i would be lucky to have 300 between the two accounts. I write a journal i keep account of stuff. I have a very limited pattern of spending and only a few places i withdraw cash. It will be able to be tracked back. I have all the receipts for groceries i spent in the last month so that can be verified also. I've been in training for this for a long time it feels like. I've been going without in order to save money to travel overseas for the first time in 48 years, i'm conscious of the money in my account. Funny my balance reads the same as the balance for the week previously and i'd just spent money out of that account in one of the three, i don't go to very often. It's all trackable, i made sure of that. I'm not out to catch the bank just the crooks that think us old women are soft targets. There were two young girls at the bus stop with me in the rain. Could have been exchange students from the area. One using an iPhone of sorts, facing away from me but with the iPhone visible over her shoulder. I had an umbrella up. I was cool, i wasn't bothered by the rain. U can never tell who or where they are when they are skimming off ur account so i'm lead to believe. I told my son he would be doing more helping. Yes, well, about being high, if only, i waited around all day so that curtailed my chuffing on, much to my chagrin. What get's to me Prince is u just have to be right don'tcha! It's giving me the pip, i can feel it. Mmmm. However, i can see u getting on my wick reading my mind all the time. I mean will i ever have my mind to myself again? It's a regulator of sorts. I have to eat and sleep and stop being bothered about all the suffering all over this globe. I can't fix it all. Chuff on and i don't have to worry. I have to wait another week now. I need to have the right amount in both accounts before i will do another application, i've decided to go away and use their facility. I won't do it on this machine. It will be my first good nights sleep in three years. I've learnt to not let it get to me how long it takes to do something, this is as usual, all my life, wait, wait! I sometimes wish i hadn't ever come here. I've wished i wasn't born too. It had nothing to do with any man. That last one pointed a knife at me around 2am on the night of New Years 1999/2000. Well if that's a foreboding of what this century has in store for me u can understand perhaps why even stuck here pining away for 15 years, it's better than nothing. I could be dead. He wasn't seeing me, he was seeing his mother or ex wife. He thought i'd pay the toll. That won't be forgotten without something to take my mind off it. I wonder what that could be? There's much to be revealed to each other. The movie sounds intriguing, when do we start? I'll be here. Well i don't know how the young one, Tamika (10) will go with 'The Devil wears Prada.' I haven't seen it, i lent it to her just then. Bless her she brought back the 'Guilt Trip' and 'In Her Shoes.' I'm just building up my library. Yes, i want my own dvds. To play anytime i want and then put away until i want them again. Ooow, sorta like, 'save u for a rainy day' kinda thing. Oh i think i get it. Oh but then i like my privacy, that would be ok. I like to play too, but only when just the two of us know it. I'm sure i have a way of making the rest of the world go away. I'm sure the men i had weren't thinking about the rest of the world when i was around. In fact i'm certan they werent' thinking about anything else other than what could happen after i'd gotten them into bed. If they got me in bed that was. I'm not even any good either. I suppose it was just the heat. I never figured it out. It can't have been the brain surely that's not a turn on for men is it after all that? Yeah that would be it, i can even screw up a smart one. They did. Drink #2, i'm getting plastered tonight. Words getting muddled, the typing should show the effects first. 'I'd rather have u in my glass.' It's all so unreal. It's so unbelievable. I know how i feel but it's not feasible. I'm watching girl, anything u take off here i will tell him. It's for him only. In 'The Clan of the Cave Bear.' I Loved the way they respected each other's privacy even when they where living in the same cave. Modern humans aren't capable of that level of respect anymore. Thus speaks the recluse. I could live like Aila. I only need the one human that was made for me. The rest can paddle their own canoe. They won that right. Yes, u can take everything i write either literally or bent. It's fine. I ate too. I shouldn't be this pished. I am though. Ooow who knows what will i come out with? Did i just give myself permission. I tell u what i won't half crack if they pass this stupid equal rights marriage bill for gays in parliament first without giving all women equal pay. It's very telling. It's effing typical, go with whatever is the perceived current zeitgiest. Stupid pricks. Contempt worthy. No wonder i get pissed rather than be with any of them. For God's sake. 'Witchy woman.' comes on, oh u have got to be kidding me, u can't understand me so i'm a witch, get real. I'm way too lax to be a witch. I'm way tooooo lazy to learn the spells. Besides are men really worth that much effort. I've only found the one, Prince, worth the time to put in any effort for. U couldn't possibly imagine i'd do this for anyone else do u, dopey drawers. Fooled ya!Told ya i would fool u if i could. Done! I Love u lot. Ok, i'm off my head now. I thought i'd lost the phone thingy. Now i feel stoned. God, it took long enough. Human's have this small minded attitude of judging everyone else by their own corruption. Gives me the pip. I Love u. never mind the reasons why. With me, God knows i don't need a reason. I feel it or it isn't real. Maybe i can do some beating the drum. I have a need in me to beat a something, not a human. It's in my blood beating all day. Whatever u say it can be ur way. Why do i see beauty in things others don't see it? That young local is singing, 'Wiyathul.' It's in language and i find i have an affinity. It breaks my heart. It's a beautiful language. I want to go there and learn it. If that clairvoyant was right i've got another 33 years to get around to it. Even if all i do is go there it takes my pension money up there to put money into the community. That will do for starters unless anyone has a better idea. I'm open. I do understand the idea of the 'bridge'. Something else occurred to me, if he can't think of it then somethin' wrong with his imagination! Proves, he ain't met a real woman yet. I'm sure i fielded that one a long time ago, one God, one Planet, one People, i can add up too. I don't know what i can do, maybe that's why God lead me to U. I wonder can U take it. This is really powerful and so full of growth, u think too. What about if we compete on how we can show God Love. He's sure to get off on that. I haven't thought that through. I figure i Love God more than U do. Let's compete on who can Love God the most and see if we can make Him drunk on the Love we give Him. Only let's keep it a secret only we two know of. God will know. He's getting off on the idea already. I'm howling in tears. I know only U know this is true. God Love's me, is this what happens when a human get's overloaded with it? I can't listen to 'Head' without cracking up, i sang that out loud in the front garden loud enough for anyone to hear. I didn't care about the words i was getting off on my voice. Now what was that up there, '..don't think it's the best,....' me neither, i just like the sound it makes too. I might be able to carry a tune as well. Yes, 1+1+1 is 3. Not rocket science to me. It's taken a long, long time 2 tell u truthfully. I can't help this any more than u can. I believe it's more than the comprehension of man. I am born to serve the needs of man in any way God feels i can, just don't tell anyone else only u must know. U use this anyway it can flow. U know, u know, u know. To u all in deep gratitude for this grant Infininte and eternal peace, take care, God Bless and Be Well.xxxxx