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Thread started 06/09/15 6:43am

lindamsmith113
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Suspended.

Is there a net? Is there a soft place to fall? I suspend my desire to do either or one thing or another. It doesn't matter what i want. I don't matter in the scheme of anything so i don't have to concern anyone with it. No dreams, no aims, no plans it just wasn't encouraged for me or my generation. We were to work to feed the world. We aspired to being workers that's all. Status wasn't to be chased. That then gave rise to the quote from Winnie Churchill, 'Beware of building a society in which nobody counts for anything except a politician or an official, where enterprize gains no reward and thrift no privileges.' I don't want to think about what it has made of this generation but it's a lofty position nevertheless. We crap on all of them from a very high place. I've mixed it up with water to spray it better. Hey it's amazing what u will do if needs must and u don't have any other fertilizer for the 'tomato' plants. Poor suckers the ground was full of meal worms or curl grubs, ate all the roots. I've pushed out three babies, u get very down to earth doing stuff like that. No room for princesses here. I worry when i watch gardening shows and i see people with potting mix close to the face or not wearing gloves. People, it's raw material and chockablock full of wonderful microbes that will give u bad belly ache, gum infections, Legionares disease as well if u don't use some common sense. We need the bacterias, fungus and microbes their by product, crap etc feeds plants like sorta. So, don't breath in the dust particles, keep the potting mix moist and wear gloves. Or suffer the consequences with cuts as well. U haven't got Teatree oil, wear gloves. I found a lovely type of really soft cow leather and got two pair. They are chromed and not dyed. They will discolor when i oil them. They are large, i don't like tight gloves. The pair with the green edging is in the back pack. I got a blow up neck pillow today and a eye cover thing for sleeping on the plane. I'm not talking about it other than that. I'm pretending it's not going to happen and acting as though it will. Let's see if that works. I'm not imagining it will, or that i'll ever get out of here. It doesn't matter what i want to do. It's as though i've never been allowed to step outside a path set in another century and it doesn't matter what i do about it i won't be allowed out of that walled in pathway this lifetime. I don't know yet, let's see what this week brings. I'm starting from a very low base of expectation, no dreams, no plans, no aims, not a thing in this world to look forward to. Such is a woman's lot all over the world or so it would seem. Ok, i'm totally content with all i have achieved i can stay here and have joy all day and all night. I don't choose to share this with any other on this planet other than here at all. This is all there is to me. I am content with being nobody from nowhere. There's one that knows how to find me i'm ok with that. There i was snuggled up on the chair ready to have a five minute nap before i came on here then the furnace goes up on the boiler u, i thought i was going to spontaneously combust i got so hot, i Love it but i hate it too. I rang my son then and got in his ear about not being expected to do all the heavy lifting every week, couldn't he, no, i told him he would do it because i wasn't going to now. I tried polite it goes over his head. Poor lad needs lessons, ok he needs a good woman. He just annoys me he wasn't like this before. He was very intuitive and thoughtful. Then also he's got a gift or two to master. I went through a time when i turned these powers off because they just complicated my simple life and i didn't feel comfortable with it. I need lessons too. I can't see me finding the right tutor i'm too hard to teach. I only learn by doing. I taught myself to serve in tennis using the Alpha Dynamics on the screen of the mind. U can teach urself anything u like doing that. It's only a matter of ur desire. I mean if u were that type u wouldn't have a minute to spare. I'm always busy avoiding housework i don't have time for wilder schemes just now. I have to clean up the kitchen to make some more meals to freeze so i can write some more in peace. That means with a meal inside me, preferably warm. I snaffled a whole bowl of salad covered with pepper, Tabasco sauce, Tamari and some iodized salt. Stuffed to the gills i am. I was totally stuffed with carrying all the shopping home on the bus. I keep forgetting how old i am. It's getting to be a pest. Yum cup of tea and i'm having a Southern back in a minute too. It will take my mind off how long it's taking me to get the paperwork done to go away. My son said, 'Let's make that happen.' He's coming down he said, again. It has to all be done this way. He then can make arrangements concerning this place. Both my children are just going around in circles as we all do until we find the one to give us direction or that is walking in the same direction we are. I've always had that path i'm locked into i just bumped along with a couple of others there for a while. I blinked and 30 years have gone, oh crap, oh well, better get on with the job then. What was it i was up to then, planting trees, covering my Mother's nakedness from the Sun. This is at the heart of this, it's my hidden agenda, oops! God, i'm useless as, keeping them a secret those hidden agendas. Oh it's me, i wouldn't just have one, there was that other one to get all those Men's Health Centers opened to put them back together again. Ooops. Can't help it, give me a minute i can think up half a dozen of them. Might take a bit longer mind elsewhere. Right, Southern in hand, kettle on, tea to flush the Southern on the way. I am just a bit pissed off about the ranting of the equal marriage rights lobby here getting a hearing over the equal pay issue. I am disgusted that this could get through parliament before equal pay for women. Not that it matters to me just now only i have a daughter and a son with skin in this game and i'm a fiercely protective Mother. I mean for God's sake i might want to go back to work, i want equal pay. I keep forgetting i'm 63 summers sssh don't tell anyone and i won't. U can't tell from my voice over the phone i sound about 30. God she just can't keep her gob shut can she? What can i say, I Love the Truth. Oh how's this for not clever, build boats to do certain work and make them bigger than u have berths for where u want them to work, clever or what? LRC is on. This is the one i like too. I was just pondering, like i mean, how about, borrowing money to give away overseas in foreign aid and saying there's a dozen subs to be built. Three would be sufficient. God i Love this about being this age, u can speak ur mind. Someone has put the color around all over the globe, 'bout time! Took long enough. Mind u it usually takes me five years. Look what a little help does! I wonder why God spoils me so, then i don't care, would u? Now u'll see what Love can do.Then u'll know this was all because of u. U know the thing is with God, u never can tell who belongs to who? 'Scuse me while i have a Love-in with God. I'll be wiped out in a minute. I fancy cooking up stuff. God i must be pished. I can actually manufacture up some Love for me and go and cook up some tomatoes for Jambalaya. I have chicken sausages to cremate too. The onions are starting to sprout it's that humid in here. I'm just drunk enough to enjoy cooking up that food before it becomes compost. WOW, 2 and a half years, feels like yesterday. I enjoy u all u know. Metaphysically speaking. I Love the fact that we're the only ones that know what it really means. I Love that no one knows exactly what this feels like except the two of us. The extent that the mind can reach to is astounding. Oh the furthest reaches haven't been achieved yet. That's the beyond the grave thing. As far down as i can get and that's as far as i can go without jumping off that cliff, very dark and despairing, it's my Father that has the last call. I've got to get up and go, Prince is responsible for that awakening, the pest. I was blissfully ignorant until i got all this music, i would still be there if it wasn't for him. Pest. I don't kid myself he doesn't know he's doing it. He knows. We know and God knows how much paper we have saved on here. I can write an aweful lot of drivle i think of how much paper u have helped me save while i do therapy on myself, privately, yeah right. Well actually it kinda feels like it's private. It's just between me and this computer and u lot well that's like family. It's more family than i've had in many years. Very strange as i'm alone as usual. I can't explain why i don't quite feel that. It's got to be a disconnect i've made with the plonk. Yes, that sounds about right. The reality is too harsh to deal with. Do i really not like people at all? Not at close quarters. When there is someone around i feel on duty and bound to serve them. How we make the world spin on it's axis. They haven't ever know this before. I owe u i have to do it, face ache from smiling so much everyday. Flashing across the top. I forget about the misery smiling about this like it was yesterday. This is me using u. Yawning, the ultimate objective, tire me out enough to make me sleep. Yeah right. Oh i saw that clip about the carbon free future we are going to endow our grandchildren with. I promise we are going to excede that by the most amazing margins because i have the utmost faith in the commonsense around the world especially in this area. I am sure the recent earthquake has refocused everyones attention to this cooling of our hunger for fossil fuels. Ok we can't change over night but we can make effort everyday to reduce the heat we pump into the atmosphere, use the sodden stuff, make it heat water to make steam to run turbines anything but let it vent into the already overheated atmosphere. It's not rocket science surely is it? I'd be putting up circus tents to cover people up while they are planting trees and such. Or just doing the preparations for the tree planting, digging the holes first maybe. Stop it, it gets on my nerves. Well it would give me something to do. I like working out things like this. I want the shade for the Mother. Me really. Stuff u lot, i want the shade for me. That Mother would Love me for it, well of course i want that too. The Raspberries She's grown me have been scrumptious. The taste of the odd one or other has been utterly sublime. A taste u could only dream about. I saw the result of the game of soccer with the girls, well done u lot. They were some top goals. These girls weren't ready for that level of challenge from u. U are fairly new to this, considering. Well i'm dead chuffed. I'm proud of u. Those goals were from a long way away from the posts, excellent work. Go get 'em girls the world is ur oyster. U gotta watch us giant dwarfs we sneak in where u least expect it. It's our favorite manouver, when u least expect it. We only need half a chance and well the score says it all. My daughter would have been in that at one time. I'm determined to get into some team for old chooks somewhere. I can kick straight with both feet, i'm open to offers. Better give them a chance, women over 50, tea break every 10 minutes for 10 minutes, count on a game lasting 2 hours at least. Take lunch, make a day of it. No rush. Hey, we could have mixed teams that could be interesting!!! Better make them breaks half an hour. I'll bring the gas burner for making the tea. I'll go anywhere as long as i can get a cup of tea. How did i get to here? What did i get to here for? I got a tabletennis set with three balls in it and i'm going to set up the dining table against the wall for a hit up. Then there's just the practice of keeping the ball on the bat too. I didn't have any balls before. I've three now, how cute. Two tangerine and one beige. I have a bit of a challenge then. To distract me from the real objective. I'm hastening slowly. Time i was horizontal, my eyes are having a hard time focusing just like my brain. To u all in deep gratitude for this grant Infinite and eternal peace, joy and Love, take care, God Bless and Be Well.xxxxx

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