Yep. I still hold a grudge against DJ for calling me a SFC

RodeoSchro said:

I'm not sure if this is a grudge or what but if I ever run into that fat fuck Alex Jones, I'm going to tell exactly what a piece of shit he is. What happens next will be up to that fat fuck Alex Jones.

this is how harsh i can be

i recently got talking to one of the Mum's from my kid's school. She seemed like a really cool chick... a bit interesting. So we started chatting a bit more often and she recommended a tv show to me.... told me she binge watched the first season and loved it blah blah... so i started watching it.. initially i thought the concept was good... but i only lasted half way through the 4th episode... it all just got really lame... so now, i pretty much avoid this woman ... if she thinks that drivel is "deep" and interesting, there's really nothing else i need to know about her... i wish her well.. honestly... but i just feel like pursuing any sort of a friendship is a total waste of time... not a grudge, i know.. but still... if i'm happy to cut you out of my life because of your taste in tv shows... you can imagine how quick i move if someone fucks with me

I used to, until 9/11

ThisOne said:

I generally let it go after a short period of time, especially if the other party apologises! This applies to most people in my life Except my Ex husband because there’s too much pain and it’s hard for me to forget! BUT My sister hasn’t spoken to me for like 15 years because I wasn’t able to visit her son when he went to hospital! I was there for every other occasion and went out of my way when she needed help! You may or may not agree but really!!! I think she’s just a stuck up selfish bitch! !

Oh ThisOne!!! Yes, the pile of excrement formerly known as my husband. Do I hold a grudge against the mailignant narcissistic Queens douchebag? At this point I would say yes but I am working through it. I won't bore anyone with details but it was some foul Jerry Springer style heartbreaking shit after 27 years of marriage. Trial will be in May unless he comes much closer to settling to my terms. And to all of the wonderful fam from Queens, NY please accept my apologies for the characterization of the soon to be Ex to include the geographical location as pejorative.

TrivialPursuit said:

I had an epiphany quite a few years ago when it came to grudges.

I believe people hold grudges because they feel like their cards were played for them; someone one-upped them. It's like going to a casino, having a decent amount of money on your bet, then someone comes up and flips your hand and you lose the money. The dealer says, "Sorry, but I can't un-deal the cards". The person who flipped the cards did the deed, but you never got a chance to make changes yourself. Someone did it for you.

We feel like our chance at vindication, revenge, or whatever was taken from us, and we never get a second chance to do it right. So we hold onto that, just wishing we could make it right. But we can't. That's a grudge.

There's a saying that came from somewhere, "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the details of the past will ever be any different". That's deep. It's a nicer way of saying, "Just get over it, you can't change it". We hold on so dearly to the past, just hoping if we hold it hard enough, that it'll change. It never, ever goes. We have to give up that hope, that desire that we can change it or will it differently. It's a grudge and letting go, forgiving whoever, frees us. Forgiving isn't saying, "it's okay, don't worry about it". It's just letting loose of the grudge.

Not to say it's just that easy. It's a goal. Feeling slighted smarts, it hurts, and it digs at us. But it only has to for so long as we let it. Have the pity party, the cry, or whatever but keep it short. Too much living to do to be holdin' onto a buncha bullshit that, in a week's time, you won't much remember anyway.

I had that epiphany recently (though you could hardly tell from my first post)! The entire experience has brought so much clarity to my life and I know I am a much better version of myself because of it and the emotional pain has dissipated. What is left is the business response to the end of a long term relationship and my desire to protect my own future.

It depends upon the situation and the person.

For instance, I still hold a grudge against the juvenile officer who refused to take my abusers to court. I will probably always hold that grudge. I always wished I could confront him years later, to tell him what his decision did to me, but I'm sure he's probably deceased by now.

But other than that, I can't think of any other grudges I still hold. Now there are people that I can't trust, because of some kind of betrayal of that trust, but I forgave them long and moved on. In those situations, I don't tend to keep them in my life. I don't wish them ill will, I hope they have a happy life, but they just aren't someone that I really care to interact with any more.

TrivialPursuit said:

I had an epiphany quite a few years ago when it came to grudges.

I believe people hold grudges because they feel like their cards were played for them; someone one-upped them. It's like going to a casino, having a decent amount of money on your bet, then someone comes up and flips your hand and you lose the money. The dealer says, "Sorry, but I can't un-deal the cards". The person who flipped the cards did the deed, but you never got a chance to make changes yourself. Someone did it for you.

We feel like our chance at vindication, revenge, or whatever was taken from us, and we never get a second chance to do it right. So we hold onto that, just wishing we could make it right. But we can't. That's a grudge.

There's a saying that came from somewhere, "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the details of the past will ever be any different". That's deep. It's a nicer way of saying, "Just get over it, you can't change it". We hold on so dearly to the past, just hoping if we hold it hard enough, that it'll change. It never, ever goes. We have to give up that hope, that desire that we can change it or will it differently. It's a grudge and letting go, forgiving whoever, frees us. Forgiving isn't saying, "it's okay, don't worry about it". It's just letting loose of the grudge.

Not to say it's just that easy. It's a goal. Feeling slighted smarts, it hurts, and it digs at us. But it only has to for so long as we let it. Have the pity party, the cry, or whatever but keep it short. Too much living to do to be holdin' onto a buncha bullshit that, in a week's time, you won't much remember anyway.

If it's from childhood or up until now it can be forgiven.

If you've forgiven everybody and something happens that's serious no matter who it is, and you can do change it, do so.

edit

[Edited 3/9/19 9:04am]

Some of the people I was mad at I really owed an apology.

Ponder that one.

TheTruth123 said:

Some of the people I was mad at I really owed an apology.

Ponder that one.

One of the worst feelings ever!

wink

If you're too foolish, selfish, immature or just plain stupid to respect being respected or to appreciate being treated like a worthful human being then I'd rather not have anything to do with you other than "hello" or "goodbye".

I'm a very reasonable person. However, if I suspect that you're using that as a reason to act more like a jerk, I'll have to draw the line with you and potentially cut off contact period. That includes "hello" or "goodbye". I'm not proud of this because it definitely resembles holding "grudges" but I accept that it is one of my imperfections. I just believe that with some people, the most respectful thing I can do is not have any contact with you.

There is so much focuus on the role of the "forgiver" but not enough on the role of the "forgiven". Humility (on both sides) can go a long way towards preserving simple undemanding relationships but I understand that we're living in a world that's more self centered than ever.

That said, I forgive everyone that's crossed, betrayed, or violated me in some way or another. However, for some of them, it's best that we don't interact at all.

-A man who doesn't know when he's reached his threshold, is potentially a very dangerous man.

I decided years ago to try and get rid of all my grudges when I knew a very old lady who was so bitter that she beyond hated her parents...and every single person that caused her major hurt YEARS past the point when they died. How can someone live with that kind of hate every single day?!! A very tough old bird who lived to be 90; maybe the hate kept her alive... But, I can't live like that.

purplethunder3121 said:

I decided years ago to try and get rid of all my grudges when I knew a very old lady who was so bitter that she beyond hated her parents...and every single person that caused her major hurt YEARS past the point when they died. How can someone live with that kind of hate every single day?!! A very tough old bird who lived to be 90; maybe the hate kept her alive... But, I can't live like that.

"…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.”

~ Yoda

S2DG said:

purplethunder3121 said:

I decided years ago to try and get rid of all my grudges when I knew a very old lady who was so bitter that she beyond hated her parents...and every single person that caused her major hurt YEARS past the point when they died. How can someone live with that kind of hate every single day?!! A very tough old bird who lived to be 90; maybe the hate kept her alive... But, I can't live like that.

"…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.”

~ Yoda

In the end, this lady only had her two pekinese dogs to trust and love. Very sad. But she was one tough lady with a very interesting life. Too bad she was so consumed with hate. I had to forgive those people who would have inspired such hate a long time ago--but this lady was one person who made me realize not to carry it beyond the grave.

purplethunder3121 said:

S2DG said:

"…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering.”

~ Yoda

In the end, this lady only had her two pekinese dogs to trust and love. Very sad. But she was one tough lady with a very interesting life. Too bad she was so consumed with hate. I had to forgive those people who would have inspired such hate a long time ago--but this lady was one person who made me realize not to carry it beyond the grave.

The dark side is real, important to recoginize that fact. As I mentioned here, you forgive people for yourself, not for them.

Where's the line between holding a grudge and learning from ones mistakes?



I can't say I really hold "grudges" but for me the relationship does change in most cases.

ThatWhiteDude said: