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Some people are fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.


Your team: Pittsburgh Steelers.


“Why can Tomlin use that word but not me?”


Your 2017 record: 13-3, but I assure you that it was unwatchable from beginning to end. This team can make any 13-3 season feel like an 8-8 season. The only thing I remember from them last season is when one of their linebackers had his spinal column severed, and for some reason I was supposed to feel GOOD that he didn’t manage to die out on the fucking field.


Actually, I do remember some other crap, like this play:


Amazing how I would have had sympathy for ANY other team had they been victimized by this reversal. A team full of nothing but cloned Richie Incognitos could have lost that game the exact same way, and I would have had more compassion. For the Steelers, I feel nothing. The best part is that, during the review, the Steelers had roughly 87 minutes to draw up another play in case the Jesse James catch was overturned. Instead, they just stared at the scoreboard the whole time and THIS is the final play they executed:


I love it when Big Ben pretends he a Serious Quarterbacking Man and then forgets to let the rest of his teammates know about his plans. DURRRRR LOOGIT ME I’M DAN MARINO DURRRR


Oh, and I also remember that this team got their asses waxed at home by Jacksonville. Twice. Not only that, the Jags beat the Steelers by playing STILLER FOOTBAW in both those games, running the ball and pounding the opposing offense into oblivion. Style points matter to the sterile carbohydrate blobs who root for the Steelers, so I’m glad they got to spend an entire offseason bitching about how Blake fucking Bortles beat them at their own game. No team, not even the Patriots, got clowned harder at the end of last season:


Imagine having your nuts repo’ed by the Jaguars, of all teams. Pittsburgh deserves ALL of this.


Your coach: Mike Tomlin. I have a question for you: Is this team EVER on the same page? Ever? Go look at the Big Ben pick again. It’s a clusterfuck. I have no idea how this team manages to make the playoffs on a consistent basis when NO ONE in Pittsburgh is ever on the same page. They employ the only military veteran in the NFL and somehow managed to strand him out on an island when they stayed back in the locker room for the anthem. The quarterback hated the offensive coordinator. The receivers hated each other. The front office hates the running back. EVERYONE hates the quarterback. They can NEVER properly execute an onside kick. I don’t know how this team even ties its fucking shoes, they’re all so busy bitching about each other. Maybe they should hold a few meetings during the season or something.

“It’s good to be in the kitchen. The kitchen’s in Pittsburgh, PA, this week in the National Football League, and at Heinz Field,” Tomlin said of his team’s showdown with New England in arguably the biggest game of the NFL season. “That’s where you want to be in the middle of December. We don’t take it for granted.”


Or not. Maybe not. Maybe they need FEWER meetings with Tomlin in order to get in sync properly. The good news is that Todd Haley and his IROC-Z were both finally run out of town, although not before Haley strolled into the Tequila Cowboy to get into what was definitely the 897th bar fight of his life. This team has Le’Veon Bell, but guess which team also ranked dead fucking last in play...s attempts last season? You got it. That’s why Haley is out and was replaced with this man…



Are you… are you kidding me? Randy Fichtner looks like the guy Haley got INTO the bar fight with. He looks like one of those dudes who has little gun stickers on the back of his truck instead of little family stickers. He looks like he would punch you for ranch dip. Enjoy having Big Ben’s caddie as your playcaller this season. Haley may be gone but I can promise you the Steelers will still call the exact wrong play every fourth down.


Your quarterback: DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

I cannot bear another season of this man. I can’t. It’s like they took everything bad about the NFL and boiled it down and then poured it into a big fat mold and THIS asshole is what popped out of it. Imagine threatening to retire 90 times and then having the unmitigated gall to complain when your team begins planning for a future without you. I hate him! I hate him so MUCH. I hate him nearly as much as all of his teammates do.

Roethlisberger on questions surrounding his 'maybe I don't have it anymore': 'That's fine. They can question me. I don't question myself...No offense to any of you guys, but it doesn't matter to me how you guys question me or not or quote-on-quote professional talking heads."



Le'Veon Bell✔@LeVeonBell

I mean, he’s entitled to his own opinion...it was just funny to me cuz he didn’t hold anything back and said exactly how he felt at the time...

JRA’s@_ElBoogie

He said our QB is decent at best Leveon 🙄https://twitter.com/LeVeonBell/status/1030004593055477760 …

3:20 AM - Aug 16, 2018


I swear when Ben Roethlisberger finally retires to a life of asking blondes at golf tournaments if they’re down to fuck the President, you will be able to hear the ensuing celebration in the Steelers’ locker room from thousands of miles away. Antonio Brown will be able to dance to Saturn when the news breaks. The anonymous leaks about what a cock he was will be glorious. Mason Rudolph could be the absolute biggest draft bust in the world and I’d rather watch him play. I mean it. I want Big Ben out of my life forever. Someone please poison his chew toy. I met Tucker Max once and he was easily the least charming human being I have ever met, but that’s only because I have yet to meet this man.


What’s new that sucks: Nothing! These are the Steelers. Thirty years from now Big Ben will still be out there grousing like a baby and drilling corners in the chest with balls.

Juju Smith-Schuster got a new dog. Does that count as new?

Cute dog. I hope Joey Porter’s dogs don’t eat it.


What has always sucked: Part of me wishes the Patriots had won a sixth Super Bowl in February, if only because it would finally shut up these meatbags about their stupid ring count. As always, these are the most intolerable fans in football: fat, loud, spoiled, and legion. I don’t know how they reproduce given their obstructive tissue and their blood sugar levels, but they do. It is possible that Steelers fans reproduce via a form of asexual reproduction, in which you grab a handful of their protoplasm, give it a tug, and it detaches and immediately grows into a fully-formed yinzer wolfing down a French fry sandwich.


Le’Veon Bell is holding out again and his agent swears this’ll be his last seasonin Pittsburgh. I can pretty much guarantee that these fans will spend all of their free time away from their hospital orderly jobs to boo him every step of his way out the door. That’s how it works in Pittsburgh. The second you want fair compensation for your work, or your plays slips a bit, these glorified Ohioans call you a bum and act like you’ve done nothing for them. They ran Terry Bradshaw out of Pittsburgh, man. A Steelers fan would cut his own mother’s throat if he thought it would please the Rooney family. Fuck this whole fucked-up town and its dirty-ass team.



Your defense turns into Tampa’s defense when they need to make a key tackle. You cheated in a preseason game. Every game you play against the Bengals and Ravens is a blood-soaked abomination in the eyes of the Lord. You’ll never beat the Patriots in the postseason. Everyone hates you. Go away.


What might not suck: I have a glorious vision of Roethlisberger fracturing 12 ribs trying to read a book and Rudolph seamlessly coming in to lob deep balls to Antonio, instantly making this team 97 percent more likable.


Let’s remember a guy who sucked: Troy Edwards! Take it from a Vikings fan: Never ever ever draft a wideout named Troy.


HEAR IT FROM STEELERS FANS!

Kevin:

My father almost got into a fight at the home opener last year over an accidental spilled beer. He’s 70. He was the instigator.

Zach:

I can’t get over my suspicion that Antonio Brown will end up as the best Steelers player never to win a Super Bowl with Pittsburgh.

Sam:

Our defense gives up 45 points to Blake Bortles and the OC gets canned. The Steeler Way!

Alex:

Neil O’Donnell could create world peace, and I would still know he is a goddamn worst.

Kyle:

Put them in a 1:00pm game against a 2-7 opponent, and they will lose in an embarrassing fashion.

Steele:

We have the memory of goldfish and the tolerance of Orval Faubus.

Jim:

I hope Roethlisberger takes up motorcycle riding again.

Steve:

Le’veon Bell’s rap fucking sucks.

Mike:

They dropped six TDs on a tough Jags D but still lost because they made Blake Fucking Bortles look like John Elway.

Dan:

They never have a week without some idiot, meaningless controversy someone drummed up because they can’t put their fucking phone down, or Ben is one of his bipolar swings (he’s an asshole no matter the pole). And no one in this city can pronounce players’ first names correctly because you know exactly why.