It's ski season! At least, it is if you have snow. Which we don't. Except for what they make on the mountain. Even if I hadn't eaten bad ski-resort sausage, I still wouldn't have skied much the other day. All that was open were the two beginner runs, which are just snow-covered roads. But still, it was good to get out.
As you know, I recuperated after eating bad ski-resort sausage by watching a couple of movies. But then I watched two more before I went to bed - and they were ski movies, too!
Some random channel had a Bad 90's Ski Movie Marathon last Saturday night. First I watched "Ski School" and then I watched "Ski Patrol". Actually first, a couple weeks ago, I watched the spoof of "Ski School" that "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" did. It was awesome! And PERFECTLY done. It's amazing how well they copied the original "Ski School". But no matter how well the manic geniuses at "IASIP" did, no one could match the actual manic genius of Dean Cameron.
Who is Dean Cameron? you ask. Good question. Basically, he starred in every movie that ended in the word "School" (except for "Back to School"). He starred in "Summer School", "Ski School" and Ski School 2". Also, he apparently wrote his own wikipedia page:
"His first purchased album was the hip hop record Straight Outta Compton which he played "the hell out of". Cameron credits his ability to play the guitar to Tammy Moore a girl from the ninth grade. She asked him if he could play an instrument and he lied and said "I play banjo" Then the next day he told her that he also played the guitar. "I had to learn how to play the guitar pretty quickly". He spent the next six months learning to play Stairway to Heaven from a friend.
"Cameron is also the inventor of the Bill of Rights: Security Edition Cards which have the Bill of Rights stamped on metal the size of a normal playing card. The idea is that they can be carried comfortably in the pocket of a flyer, and when a metal detector beeps after detecting the metal, the carrier will have to hand the TSA federal inspectors the card and "give up his Bill of Rights... before boarding a plane." The website also sells Bill of Rights luggage tags and socks with the rights printed on them."
If that isn't enough, Cameron is also in - and I swear I'm not making this up - "a karaoke band that parodies actor/musicians, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and Corey Hart called Coreyoke."
Cameron's clearly self-written wikepedia page says he's been in 37 movies. Of the last 25, a total of 4 have actual wikipedia pages. The rest are, I assume, a figment of Cameron's imagination. PRO TIP: Do NOT Google alleged 2005 movie "I'm Not Gay". Many other results will come up, none of which have anything to do with Dean Cameron, and ALL of which will immediately send a red flag to your employer that you're looking at porn at work (I assume that you, like me, indulge in the Org at work).
I do wish I could have sat in on the meeting where Cameron got hired to play the part of Capitol Records Executive in the movie "Straight Outta Compton". I can hear his pitch now - "F. Gary Gary...I mean Gary F. Gray...I mean dude, look: I gotta be in this movie. See, I made up this cool stuff about the album "Straight Outta Compton" on my self-written and self-funded wikipedia page. How cool would it be to take that fiction and apply it to your movie? By the way, do you validate parking?"
"Ski School" is the best of the Bad 90's Ski Movies that I watched. And that's not saying much. "Ski Patrol" was so badly filmed that most of the time you'll think you're watching a rerun of "Saved By the Bell". But I did notice something in both these movies:
No one wears helmets.
Incredible! There are some really great skiing sequences, including lots of stuff in the trees. I guess ski helmets hadn't been invented yet, because no one had one on. Do you know how many people died from head injuries caused by crashing into trees? A lot, including Sonny Bono and Doak Walker.
That said, I don't wear a helmet, either. BUT - I do NOT ski anywhere NEAR trees. I ski big, wide runs and stay in the middle. I should wear a helmet, though. And I would have bought one for this year, if there was any snow. One thing is for sure - when I do buy a helmet, it will be one that has room for cool stickers. When you see a dude still wearing the ski gear that he bought in 1997, shushing it down the middle of a wide trail, and wearing a helmet with one or more stickers, be sure you say "Hi, RodeoSchro! I love your movie reviews!"
Unless...you are: (1) wearing a camo jacket or really, camo anything; and/or (2) you ski/snowboard with a backpack. Let's take these in reverse order:
A backpack?!? Seriously?!? They have restaurants all over the mountain - at the bottom, at the top...heck in Taos, they have Martini Trees all over the place! True, you have to be in the In Group to know where the Martini Trees are, but still. (NOTE: They also have trees with other stuff in them, and not all of that stuff is stuff you drink.) Anyway, there is absolutely nothing you can carry in your backpack that you can't get almost anywhere on the mountain. Wearing a backpack screams to everyone else that "I AM TOO CHEAP TO BUY MOUNTAIN FOOD AND I PROBABLY SNUCK ON THE MOUNTAIN". Don't be that guy.
Also don't be the guy that wears anything camo. I don't care if it's your first time skiing and you don't want to drop the dough for a ski jacket. In fact, anyone that wears camo is telling everyone else "YES, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME SKIING. YES, I AM A CHEAP BASTARD WHO WON'T BUY THE PROPER GEAR. AND HELL YES I AM TEACHING MYSELF TO SKI BECAUSE I'M TOO CHEAP OF A BASTARD TO TAKE SKI LESSONS, SO I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO RUN INTO YOU AT SOME POINT AND DESTROY YOUR MENISCUS". Don't be that guy.
I won't talk to you if you are either or both of those guys. No offense.
Interesting Fact: Our house is right across the street from the slope that all the people who are too cheap to enroll their kids into ski school use for "teaching" their kids/spouses/friends how to ski. We get hours and hours of free entertainment by sitting on our deck and watching people crash, scream, cry and flail all day long. One the one hand, it's funny. But on the other hand, my daughter is a snowboard instructor. Hey, you cheapos - go hire my daughter! She needs the money!
And thus endeth my ski rant. This was fun, although it was not quite as much fun as actually skiing.
Pray for snow!