...starting on Thursday, since I'm going to be poolside for the next three days!

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

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John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?"

The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

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A woman was despondent. She couldn't find a man worth the time of day. So she placed a personal ad that said, "Wanted - a man who won't hurt me; a man who won't run out on me; and a man who can satisfy me in bed".

The next day her doorbell rang and to her surprise, there was an armless and legless man at her doorstep. "I'm here about your personal ad!" he said.

"But...but...but there must be some mistake," said the woman.

"Oh no," said the man. "You asked for a man that won't hurt you. As you can see, I have no arms so I could never strike you.

"And you asked for a man that wouldn't run out on you. Since I have no legs, you know I'll never run".

"But what about keeping me satisfied?" asked the woman.

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

The joke about John and the guy who has sex once a year reminded me of this one:

A pastor was railing against the flock, chastizing them for not loving their neighbors and for having enemies. "How many here can truly say they have no enemies?" he bellowed. About half the congregation raised their hands. Disgusted, the pastor ranted for 20 more minutes.

And then he asked again, "How many here can truly say they have no enemies?" This time about 10 hands went up. The pastor was still mad, and thus ranted for another 20 minutes about loving your enemy.

He asked again, "How many here can truly say they have no enemies?" This time, the only hand that went up was old Mrs. McGillicuddy's. The pastor was stunned.

"Mrs. McGillicuddy - you say you have NO enemies? Come up to the pulpit and tell this congregation how that can possibly be!"

Old Mrs. McGillicuddy tottered up the aisle, up the steps, adjusted the microphone, and said:

"I outlived all the bitches!"

Thanks, Rodeo, I really needed something funny today! What happened to people's sense of humor in the real world!

Yes, exactly the same here - REALLY needed that right now - you're awesome, man! Post more!

The teacher told the class, "The human being is the only animal that stutters".

"Not true!" exclaimed little Johnny. "My cat stuttered!"

"Cats do not stutter," said the teacher. "Maybe you misunderstood".

"Oh no," said little Johnny. "The other day, my cat was on the stoop when the neighbor's Rottweiler came by. My cat said 'Ffffff! Fffff! Ffffff!' but before he could say 'Fuck off!' the dog ate him!"

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A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”. The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. “And you, Susie? ” the teacher asks. Susie says “I wanna be Johnny’s bitch.”

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A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. “Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Did you actually *think* of these yourself, or are you just cutting and pasting from somewhere...??

domainator2010 said:

Did you actually *think* of these yourself, or are you just cutting and pasting from somewhere...??

Both. I know a lot of jokes.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, so here are some jokes on a Thursday to get your weekend started with a laugh:

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said, "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?" The guy says, "Oh I went to Yale". The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start Monday." Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

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Two blondes are eating breakfast together when one tells the other, "I slept with two Brazilian guys last night!" The other blonde then replies in great surprise, "Wow, I don't think I've even met that many guys!"

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This one is so stupid it's funny:

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suitsover here," said the sales girl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the sales girl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the sales girl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines,"insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the sales girl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the sales girl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.

Holding them up he proclaimed, "Eso sí que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!"yelled the sales girl.