Thoughts and prayers going out to everyone in Syria...

Anyway, we NEED some humor today, don't we? Here you go!

*************************************************

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: "What the hell was that all about?"

*************************************************

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should’ve been here at 8.30!" He replies. "Why? What happened at 8.30?"

*************************************************

A young millenial was interviewing for a job. He told the interviewer he was looking for a starting salary in the neighborhood of $65,000.

"$65,000?" asked the interviewer. "Well, why not $80,000 a year? AND full health and dental benefits! AND a company car - how about a BMW 5-Series!"

The millenial was astonished. "You're kidding!" he said.

The interviewer replied, "Yes, but you started it!"

*************************************************

A guy walks into a deli, and all the waitresses are really beautiful. But it's a special kind of deli, which he realizes when he sees the following sign:

HAMBURGER - $10

CHEESEBURGER - $12

HAND JOB - $25

He gets a waitress to come to his table. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks. "Yes, I am!" she exclaims.

"Well, wash your freaking hands and go make me a cheeseburger!"

*************************************************

On a crowded hotel elevator, a man's elbow accidentally bumps into the ample bosom of a beautiful woman. "I'm so sorry," says the smooth man, "but if your heart is as soft as your bosom, then you are a special woman indeed!"

The woman replies, "Well, if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 319".

(319! Get it? Get it?!?)

*************************************************

A young woman is marrying a Greek man. Her mother is concerned, and tells her daughter, "Look - the Greeks have a horrible sex act. If he ever asks you to have sex 'the other way', you must refuse!"

The woman and the Greek man are married, and are enjoying a great sexual relationship. But one day, the woman's curiousity gets the better of her. She HAS to do it, so she asks, "My love, tonight I want to make love the other way."

Her husband exclaims, "What - and take a chance on getting pregnant?!?"

RodeoSchro said:

A young woman is marrying a Greek man. Her mother is concerned, and tells her daughter, "Look - the Greeks have a horrible sex act. If he ever asks you to have sex 'the other way', you must refuse!"

The woman and the Greek man are married, and are enjoying a great sexual relationship. But one day, the woman's curiousity gets the better of her. She HAS to do it, so she asks, "My love, tonight I want to make love the other way."

Her husband exclaims, "What - and take a chance on getting pregnant?!?"

HuMpThAnG said:

RodeoSchro said:

A young woman is marrying a Greek man. Her mother is concerned, and tells her daughter, "Look - the Greeks have a horrible sex act. If he ever asks you to have sex 'the other way', you must refuse!"

The woman and the Greek man are married, and are enjoying a great sexual relationship. But one day, the woman's curiousity gets the better of her. She HAS to do it, so she asks, "My love, tonight I want to make love the other way."

Her husband exclaims, "What - and take a chance on getting pregnant?!?"

A Chinese girl married an American boy

and they were in the bridal suite of a hotel.

As the Chinese girl undressed she timidly excused

herself with each garment she took off,

as the Cinese are so polite.

As she bent over to take off her hose,

she accidently farted,

she looked at her new husband very much embarrased,

andsaid, ' Excuse me please,

front hole so happy, back hole whistle...

The joke is President.

Quit bringing down my threads.

Now I am forced to do this:

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

*********************************************

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”

Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.”

“Yes it does,” said Johnny, ”It taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”

********************************************

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

if you insist on goin about it this way... HERE!!!

1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

12. What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore.

17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

18. Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

23. What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?

Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?

28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.

30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?

“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”

31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?

A head hunter.

34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

35. Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?

“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”

40. How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

41. What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something.

42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

47. How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Nevermind. It’s too long.

My ass eating thread is a joke.

Tittypants said:

My ass eating thread is a joke.

KingBAD said:

if you insist on goin about it this way... HERE!!!

1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

12. What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore.

17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

18. Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

23. What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?

Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?

28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.

30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?

“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”

31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?

A head hunter.

34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

35. Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?

“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”

40. How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

41. What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something.

42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

47. How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Nevermind. It’s too long.

TL; DR.

I did it this way because today is not a particulary good day for the United States of America. Or for anyone in the world, really. So I figured it would take more than one joke to make some of us feel better.

It's not a contest.

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

KingBAD said:

if you insist on goin about it this way... HERE!!!

1. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his whopper.

2. How is a woman like a road?

They both have manholes.

3. Why are men like diapers?

They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.

4. What type of bird gives the best head?

A swallow.

5. What’s better than a cold Bud?

A warm bush.

6. How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an altar boy.

7. What should you do if you come across an elephant?

Apologize and wipe it off.

8. What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.

9. How are gay people like mice?

They both hate pussies.

10. What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this shit.

11. What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?

Your job still sucks.

12. What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

13. What do priests and McDonald’s have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.

14. How is tightrope walking like getting a blowjob from someone ugly?

If you want to enjoy either, you absolutely can’t look down.

15. What did one of the prostitute’s knees say to the other?

How come we spend so little time together?

16. What do you call two men fighting over a slut?

Tug-of-whore.

17. Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

18. Why don’t little girls fart?

They don’t get assholes til they’re married.

19. What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

20. What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms?

Melt them into a tire and call it a goodyear.

21. What do you call a nanny with breast implants?

A faux-pair.

22. How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

23. What do women and noodles have in common?

Both wiggle when you eat them.

24. What do you get when you jingle a man’s balls?

A white Christmas.

25. What’s the difference between a rabbi and a priest?

A rabbi cuts them off. A priest sucks them off.

26. What do you call a guy who cries when he masturbates?

A tearjerker.

27. What did one broke hooker say to the other?

Can you lend me ten bucks ‘til I’m on my back again?

28. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.

29. What’s the real definition of a male chauvinist pig?

A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body—except his.

30. What does a slut say when her daughter asks how to spell “penis”?

“I wish you’d asked me last night, when it was on the tip of my tongue.”

31. How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

32. What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

33. What do you call a sex-crazed gay cannibal?

A head hunter.

34. Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

35. Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong socks today.

36. Why did the snowman suddenly smile?

He could see the snowblower coming.

37. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a cell phone?

Nothing! Every cunt’s got one.

38. When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?

When he’s standing next you girlfriend saying that her hair smells nice.

39. What does a dumb slut say when you ask if she’s ever tried 69?

“Thirty dudes is the most I can screw in one night.”

40. How are women like linoleum floors?

If you lay ’em right the first time, you can walk all over them for the next 20 years or so.

41. What’s the square root of 69?

Ate something.

42. What do you do when your cat’s dead?

Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.

43. What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

44. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

45. What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?

A dictator.

46. Why did Jesus die a virgin?

Every single “wound” he touched closed up.

47. How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

48. What’s the best way to respond when a girls asks “what’s up”?

“If I tell you, will you sit on it?”

49. What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?

She’s got small tits.

50. Wanna hear a joke about my dick?

Nevermind. It’s too long.

AWESOME!! Absolutely AWESOME!! Thanks so much, KingB, GOD I needed that today!

EXCEPT number 6 and 25 - those are VILE and need to kicked the FUCK OFF THIS SITE! Delete them RIGHT FUCKING NOW, Mr. K!

HuMpThAnG said:

purplethunder3121 said:

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

purplethunder3121 said:

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

At a wedding, the groom and the groomsmen are standing at the altar, awaiting the bridal party. The groom has the biggest smile ever on his face. His best man whispers, "What a smile! You must be really happy to be marrying your bride!"

The groom whispers back, "You have no idea! I met up with my bride in the back thirty minutes ago, and she gave me the best blowjob in my life!"

About that time, the bride appears. She also has a gigantic smile on her face. Her maid of honor whispers, "What a beautiful smile! You must be so happy to be marrying that man!"

The bride whispers back, "No, I'm smiling because I just gave the last blowjob I'm ever going to give!"

here..

What kind of tv women does Bill Cosby like???

fuxtables

RodeoSchro said:

purplethunder3121 said:

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

At a wedding, the groom and the groomsmen are standing at the altar, awaiting the bridal party. The groom has the biggest smile ever on his face. His best man whispers, "What a smile! You must be really happy to be marrying your bride!"

The groom whispers back, "You have no idea! I met up with my bride in the back thirty minutes ago, and she gave me the best blowjob in my life!"

About that time, the bride appears. She also has a gigantic smile on her face. Her maid of honor whispers, "What a beautiful smile! You must be so happy to be marrying that man!"

The bride whispers back, "No, I'm smiling because I just gave the last blowjob I'm ever going to give!"