I know many won't click on this thread because they don't recognize my username or know who I am....anymore, anyway. I've been on Prince.org for 13/14 years using various names, a few that were pretty well known and others that weren't. Although I still visit the site at least once or twice a day, I don't post often in recent years. Many of the names and members I used to know are either gone, or those people use different names now themselves and I don't 'know' them anymore.

***

But this place has been a constant for me for a long time, and a place of familiarity and I feel so very lost and heartsick and afraid right now that I needed to type this out (at least it'll keep my mind focused on writing for a short time, instead of on reality) and to maybe feel some sense of connectedness to SOMEthing or someone. I don't really have anyone close enough to talk to about this, so thank you in advance to those of you who have clicked this and who read even part of it.

***

My mom was 72, and had battled many health challenges over the past 10 years; dialysis, kidney transplant, septic blood infections multiple times which resulted in a couple open heart surgeries and a mechanical valve replacement, and a few other conditions which caused many, many ER visits and hospital stays, and so many, countless, medications each day. Yet through it all, my mom retained such a sunny, positive outlook. She was always there for anybody if anyone needed anything. She never complained about her situations. EVER. Once in awhile she might have gotten sad, and cried a bit because she was just so tired....but that never lasted long. 99% of the time she was just SO VERY STRONG. I relied on that strength very much, probably more than I should at 46 years old, but I have my own issues (health, depression) and my mom was my best friend and always the one there to...well, she was just always the one THERE.

***

She loved music. She loved Elvis, and country music (born and raised and lived in the Midwest her entire life) -- but she also loved reggae and she liked a number of Prince's songs, too; after I got into him at 16 yrs old, she heard a LOT of Prince and her favorite song was "Delirious". She loved to crochet and created many beautiful afghans over the years. She was a voracious reader (until her eyes started giving her trouble and reading became difficult) and instilled in me and my sibling a lifelong love of books. Back in the day, we'd have weekly library trips and leave there with armloads of books that we'd read over the next week until the next library visit. She loved nature, and the lakes, and hummingbirds especially after my folks got a hummingbird feeder...and she absolutely loved panda bears and polar bears. I loved finding panda bear videos for her on YT because she got such a kick out of them and they made her so happy. In the last couple years, despite being unsure initially about computers, and Facebook (which was daunting to her), she ultimately got very comfortable and proficient using FB and was having a great time reconneting with distant relatives, old classmates and friends, and making new friends, too. She would 'share' so many inspirational and loving messages onto my Wall each day; she was always my cheerleader and the one person who believed in me when I had no one else. For the past 12 years we've lived 4 hours away from each other, which isn't that far really, but she couldn't travel at all anymore and my health prevented me from traveling easily, so unfortunately we didn't get much time spent actually WITH each other. So those Wall posts she'd make to me, besides our daily evening phone visits, were so precious and appreiated. I look back at my page today, and her page, and I read the words and messages she wrote only a week ago, and I start to sob uncontrollably all over again that that will never be again. That she is GONE. I can't comprehend the idea that I'll never hear her voice again, or that my phone will never ring again and display her cell number.

***

I saw her last April, and am actually in the process of moving back to my hometown. I wanted to be near her, and my father (who is 80 and not in great health himself), and Mom and I had made lots of plans for spending time together to make up for this last decade where we'd been physically separated. I'd have been moved back by August 1st. Then, last week she suddenly started having trouble breathing, and heart rhythm disturbances. They let her go home but she was again back in hospital within a few days. Long story short, there was a lot of back and forth about how 'good' or 'bad' she was doing on a given day - but the day before she died she seemed to actually be doing better, and was going to be discharged later that afternoon. But that morning she suddenly got worse; when I last spoke with her, around 8 p.m. that night, she said she was tired but felt 'much better' than she had that morning. She said she was going to eat some pudding and get a good night's sleep, and that we'd talk the next morning. She asked how I was feeling/doing. I told her how worried I was about her, and how I was so relieved she was doing better than evening and she told me "Don't worry, everything's going to be OK". I told her I loved her so much and she said she loved me, that I was one of the best things to ever happen for her. I felt slight less scared after that conversation because I thought she'd be feeling all the better yet after a good night's rest, and that she'd get to go home the next day. I am so SO SO thankful now for that brief conversation. This was Friday night; I was to be in town on Sunday after she'd been discharged and settled at home again. But at 1 a.m. Saturday morning, only a few hours after I'd talked to my mom, my sister called and said the hospital had called and said that Mom had passed "peacefully" and quickly a little after 12: 30 a.m. I am grateful that, after so many years of suffering, pain, being strong, losing so much of her physical abilities, that she was allowed to leave this world in a gentle, quiet way.

***

She was such an amazing, wonderful, kind woman. She was not judgemental. She was generous and sensitive, and until her health prevented it, she was involved in lots of various charities, health advocacy committees and agencies, and she volunteered her time at our church. She taught me to love books. She made so many things possible for me that wouldn't have been otherwise without her help and encouragement. I saw my first concert, Prince's Purple Rain tour, becuase my mom trusted me and helped me raise enough money to take the bus (alone) to see him, because she knew how badly I wanted to do - and she let me, despite her reservations. She was open and honest about sex, and I could talk to her about ANYTHING. She's literally been my best friend throughout all my life, and my almost sole source of emotional support in the last 10 years. I am heartbroken in a profound way that I didn't imagine was possible...and Ive always been an overly sensitive person as it is and THOUGHT I'd felt profound pain before - but nothing has matched this.

***

I will never get over that I wasn't able to actually BE THERE WITH HER before she left, or to have seen her in the weeks and days before. April, the last time I saw her, seems like such a long time ago, now. And she was in the hospital at that time, as well, so the visit was brief and interrupted (you know how hospitals are). I can't wrap my mind around the reality that I can't just call her up anymore, that she won't be calling me. That there will be no more Facebook posts and messages. That I won't hear her voice ever again.

***

I suppose I've rambled on long enough. There are so many more things I'd love to share about this incredible woman that just was not here long enough, imo. I wish everyone could have known her.

***

I was baptized and raised Catholic, but not been a good Catholic for over 20 years. My faith has been weak and doubful for a long, long time and still is...but I want desperately to believe that Mom - whose faith WAS strong - is now alive in another way, in another place, and that I'll see her again someday. I can't handle the idea that when life is done, all is done..that I'll never see her again. So while I'm not religious, I guess I'd like to hear from anyone of a strong faith that there is more beyond this earthly, mortal state, and that my Mom and I will see one another again.

***

Thank you again to anyone who read this. I know it's long, and a lot about a woman you don't know, but it makes me feel better to tell people about Sandy, my dear, wonderful, loving mother and an incredible lady with a terrific sense of humor and an unwavering well of strength and grace that carried her through so many rough times.

***

Goodbye, mom. I miss you and love you with everything I am. My life will never be the same without you. I hope with all my heart and soul I'll see you again one day. I love you.

I am so sorry. I lost my mom when I was 24 and I will never recover from it. Truth be told she was not as lovely as a person as your mother sounds to be but she was my mother and I still miss her even 20 odd years later.

Much love to you.

She sounds like a very special lady. Sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss.

sorry for your loss.

I am very sorry for your loss...She sounds like such a wonderful, giving person, and she is happy and at peace somewhere. =) She will also live through you and your sister, I'm sure that was her most proud legacy she left

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost my mom back in 2011. She too was a voractious reader and gave me her love of books by taking me to the library every week beginning on my fifth birthday.

You will miss her, and at first, it will be hard. I still cry sometimes when I think of my parents. They gave me an outstanding childhood and lovely memories, which I am sure you have, too. Cherish those.

condolences. it's a really hard experience. thoughts out to you

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Reading your thoughts has brought tears to my eyes but I thank you for sharing a part of Miss Sandy with us.

My mom and best friend passed in 2005....she was a lot like your mom including the books. I wandered around like an orphan for months until gradually I began to move forward with what she instilled in me.

Cherish your memories and be of comfort to your dad knowing that you are not alone. I am one who believes that souls can and do meet again...I'll be holding you up in prayer.

Very best wishes to you.

Sorry for your loss, and my condolences to you. May she rest in peace.

Never underestimate the power of the org. Some great friendships and relationships started here, so I think it´s a good idea that you share your feelings here.

OMG, your post is making me cry over here (seriously!) I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your mom. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you and your family are experiencing right now. Your mom sounded like a great person to know, and the way you write about her shows just how important she was to you. And yes, I believe that you will see her again one day.


Your post made me think of this song:

RobotDevil, whatever the nature of our eternal existence, I'm convinced that two of the ways in which we live beyond death are through the memories we leave behind and through those things that others, at our influence, might continue to pay forward.

That said, what an utterly gorgeous foundation of love, of hope, of willingness to live and let live your mom seems to have established! After your time of grieving -- and take all the time you need -- what beautiful things will you choose to do with that foundation?

Hugs to you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[Edited 7/13/14 18:33pm]

I'm sorry too young

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my father in 2011 and it is a long road of healing but the healing does happen. She sounds like she was an awesome person, remember the good times. Condolences to you.

Your mom was the best, dear friend, my heart goes out to you and your family, I'm very sorry for your loss..

It doesn't matter how long you've been on the Org. A person in pain needs to be acknowledged.


My condolences...

My condolences

My condolences.

You wete lucky to have such a great mom.

I'm sorry to hear of your loss....

I don't think their is a worse feeling than realising ones mother is no longer there....

Nor is their a more comforting and warm feeling of holding and recalling memories of ones time with her...

Thank you all so much, so very very much. I've read each comment and am overwhelmed by the kindness and compassion shown. I'm sorry I've not thanked you each individually, but please know how much I appreciate every comment.

****

Tomorrow is the memorial service and Wednesday her funeral. I don't know how I'll get through them. The finality of all this hits me in waves; I think I'm getting a grip, that I'm "OK"....and then another wave of reality hits and I feel again like this just CANNOT be happening. I wish I could stop crying so hard and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach would go away.

***

Thank you for all the beautiful things that were said about my mom.

***

Just...thank you, each of you.

my mom passed away in may . my dad had passed 10 yrs prior .

your post was memorable and a nice tribute to her ... its great you shared what you did - with her and with us ...

you get thru it ... and u move on ... cherish what you did have and what you and your father now can have too ... help him through it .... be strong ...

my condolences ...

You wrote such a beatiful and moving testimony about your mother.


I'm very sorry for you that you did not get to see her at her last hour. However, you have been together troughout your entire life. And that is so much more important.

Hopefully you can focus on your last phone call, and know that you both told eachother what you felt:

" I told her I loved her so much and

she said she loved me, that I was one of the best things to ever happen for her."

"So while I'm not religious, I guess I'd like to hear from anyone of a strong faith that there is more beyond this earthly, mortal state, and that my Mom and I will see one another again."


I'm not religious in the sense that I follow a man made institution. But I do belief in love and a consciouss beyond our current 5 senses. I'm sure that you will sense when your mother is in your presence. I have no doubt, that she is in a good place and still together with you.


You wrote she has offered you so many life lessons, her legacy will always exist in you, your family and her loved ones.



I wish you a lot of strenght and love on your path of mourning.