Discuss.

How do you cope when you feel ultimatley betrayed by someone close to you and you feel brocken hearted over it?

What if it happened not only once? But AGAIN a week after the first 'offense'? Would that mean the other person has a problem? An addiction? And would you feel commited to stick by their side and help them through it? Or would you feel they cannpt be trusted and have no regard for your feelings? And if that's the case do you cut ties, or stay commited and again....help them through it?

Also what about lying in a relationship? What if you found you were being lied to on a regular basis? How would you deal with that?

Payback is a motherfucker

Sometimes it's best 2 move on.

Revenge takes a lot of of a person and most times is NOT worth the cost.

with a hammer

1. I will never put up with any shit ever again, no matter how 'alone' that might make me.

2. One offense is all I will tolerate for any act of 'betrayal'

3. I'll mercilessly punish, and move on. Then, punish some more from time to time just to keep things fresh.

4. I'll learn a new language.

[Edited 9/2/11 11:26am]

Slowly terrorise them by moving one plant pot, in their yard, around everyday until they become paranoid and slightly crazy.

It depends on two things, IMO;

1. who this person is that is betraying you, what he means to you, and what impact he/she has in your life.
2. is this person genuinely and truly repentant of whatever offense was done?
   1. YES: forgive and work on repairing the damage
   2. NO: step back and prepare to walk away

Obvioulsy nothing is cut-&-dry and there are many variables to consider...but to ME, that's the basic essence of how to deal with a betrayal.

imago said:

1. I will never put up with any shit ever again, no matter how 'alone' that might make me.

2. One offense is all I will tolerate for any act of 'betrayal'

3. I'll mercilessly punish, and move on. The punish some more from time to time just to keep things fresh.

4. I'll learn a new language.

Co-sign. Except learning a new language.

In stead I would read 'Women who love to much' by Robin Norwood. Don't pay too much attention to the first chapter, it's generalizing about having endured a bad upbringing. However, it is a great book to read in order to understand the process that's going on in a better way.

Then I would also read 'Stalking the soul' by M. Hirigoyen. Just to realize that people who lie to you are not bothered with their conscious. It's a great book in order to understand their tactics and to understand that change isn't expected at all! Just make sure you save your own ass.

Wish you well.

purplemonster04 said:

Slowly terrorise them by moving one plant pot, in their yard, around everyday until they become paranoid and slightly crazy.

Every word in that post was brilliantly placed.

1) do not be complacent. express your feelings of hurt anger and disappointment as often as you need to.

2) Couple's therapy....sometimes you need a third person in the room to be able to say what you want to.

3) Al-Anon, and other support groups for spouses of addicts exist

4) Decide if you want to fix things. it takes a lot of work, patience, and love.

do you want to invest in all of those?

5) Communication.....only by talking calmly and without judgement willl an addict feel comfortable in discussing the reason why there is an addiction.

dJJ said:

imago said:

1. I will never put up with any shit ever again, no matter how 'alone' that might make me.

2. One offense is all I will tolerate for any act of 'betrayal'

3. I'll mercilessly punish, and move on. The punish some more from time to time just to keep things fresh.

4. I'll learn a new language.

Co-sign. Except learning a new language.

In stead I would read 'Women who love to much' by Robin Norwood. Don't pay too much attention to the first chapter, it's generalizing about having endured a bad upbringing. However, it is a great book to read in order to understand the process that's going on in a better way.

Then I would also read 'Stalking the soul' by M. Hirigoyen. Just to realize that people who lie to you are not bothered with their conscious. It's a great book in order to understand their tactics and to understand that change isn't expected at all! Just make sure you save your own ass.

Wish you well.

An ex of my lied like a motherfucker , not just to me but just about every mutual friend we had (at my expense). But charm goes a long way towards making people misinterpret it as sincerity because nobody bothered to fact check with me or other people who who watch our relationship burn down.

So what choice do I have but to be evil and learn a new language? I'm not one for turning the other cheek.

imago said:

purplemonster04 said:

Slowly terrorise them by moving one plant pot, in their yard, around everyday until they become paranoid and slightly crazy.

Every word in that post was brilliantly placed.

I know rite?

Djj Thanks for the info about the books, though I'm not sure what you meant by your last sentence......change isn't expected? That lyers are lyers and thats that?

TotalANXiousNESS said:

Discuss.

How do you cope when you feel ultimatley betrayed by someone close to you and you feel brocken hearted over it?

What if it happened not only once? But AGAIN a week after the first 'offense'? Would that mean the other person has a problem? An addiction? And would you feel commited to stick by their side and help them through it? Or would you feel they cannpt be trusted and have no regard for your feelings? And if that's the case do you cut ties, or stay commited and again....help them through it?

Also what about lying in a relationship? What if you found you were being lied to on a regular basis? How would you deal with that?

lying and betrayal denote a lack of love, commitment and moral background, and destroy trust. imo, run like heck that's all i gots

Dan I'm still not understanding the new language thing!!

You mean cuz u moved?

XxAxX said:

TotalANXiousNESS said:

Discuss.

How do you cope when you feel ultimatley betrayed by someone close to you and you feel brocken hearted over it?

What if it happened not only once? But AGAIN a week after the first 'offense'? Would that mean the other person has a problem? An addiction? And would you feel commited to stick by their side and help them through it? Or would you feel they cannpt be trusted and have no regard for your feelings? And if that's the case do you cut ties, or stay commited and again....help them through it?

Also what about lying in a relationship? What if you found you were being lied to on a regular basis? How would you deal with that?

lying and betrayal denote a lack of love, commitment and moral background, and destroy trust. imo, run like heck that's all i gots

Yes, thats something I'm having a hard tme getting past......although I know there was a lot of shame invoved.......so okay to the first time your caught.....we all make mistakes and are sometime to ashamed to be honest......but then AGAIN a few days later.....and LIE again.....RED FLAGS!!!!

I hope you are okay .

Serious said:

I hope you are okay .

I'm always okay because I learned a couple years ago that me and my kids have me myself and I and anyone else is just the icing on the cake. But I don't NEED anyone to validate me or to make me happy anymore.

I'm sad......but I know I'll be okay.

It really depends on what the betrayal looks like. I am a pretty forgiving person, but it depends

on what I am forgiving and why I have certain feelings about that subject/action etc

Lying is something that will ruin a relationship for me. At the same time, trust has to be established

on both sides, they have to feel and know that they can tell you the truth. That includes the dark shit

that might be going on within them that they have never felt they could share with anyone else. We

show judgment in very subtle ways- a flinch, twitch of the eye, turning away, silence- which

effects our partners, friends, family members etc in ways that we would never even guess.

Sometimes, you're just not the right person to help them, or maybe they are not ready to be helped.

Or...maybe it's not something that is intrinsically wrong or bad, it is just something you have personal biases around.

In that case, you have to really look at yourself and decide if that is something you are willing

to change within yourself. If not, you may have to move on.

These things are difficult

[Edited 9/2/11 11:55am]

imago said:

dJJ said:

Co-sign. Except learning a new language.

In stead I would read 'Women who love to much' by Robin Norwood. Don't pay too much attention to the first chapter, it's generalizing about having endured a bad upbringing. However, it is a great book to read in order to understand the process that's going on in a better way.

Then I would also read 'Stalking the soul' by M. Hirigoyen. Just to realize that people who lie to you are not bothered with their conscious. It's a great book in order to understand their tactics and to understand that change isn't expected at all! Just make sure you save your own ass.

Wish you well.

An ex of my lied like a motherfucker , not just to me but just about every mutual friend we had (at my expense). But charm goes a long way towards making people misinterpret it as sincerity because nobody bothered to fact check with me or other people who who watch our relationship burn down.

So what choice do I have but to be evil and learn a new language? I'm not one for turning the other cheek.

Wow, I experienced the same. It's shocking how easely people believe a story that is presented to them. I'm still confronted with the consequences of it.

I might consider Cape town, South Africa, to start a new life.

Depends on what the betrayal is but normally, I'd cuss their asses out or beat that ass and tell them to get the hell on! Never acknowledge them again. Make like they never existed. Dwelling on betrayal is emotionally draining and not good for your overall health. You can't control what someone does you can only control how you react to what they do.

Totally depends on the situation.

And of course your decision is up to you. You could always walk away.

But there is also the option of just letting them deal with it and trying to not let it affect you. For example, in AA they say we are powerless over alcohol, and if you accept it, you stop trying to control it. Somehow once you get that you realize getting upset about them falling off the wagon or whatever does not help either of you. It makes it easier to deal with, and when you don't over-react it does not distract them from wanting to quit with an argument or pointless drama. This is assuming they want to do the right thing, of course.

I don't know if that makes sense.

TotalANXiousNESS said:

imago said:

Every word in that post was brilliantly placed.

I know rite?

Djj Thanks for the info about the books, though I'm not sure what you meant by your last sentence......change isn't expected? That lyers are lyers and thats that?

I don't know the context and what has happened, so ofcourse, I can't judge.

It has been my experience that a person who lies and cheats will continue doing that.

Lying and cheating is knowingly acting in favor of yourself at the cost of the other. It's not an innocent phenomenon that stems from a trauma or bad childhood.

There are a lot of people who have experienced an unhealthy childhood. However, most go in therapy/counseling and build up healthy relationships and lifes.

People who lie, cheat and are addicted, have done so, in spite of knowing that there are other solutions possible. They lack conscience and respect for other people. With lying they sabotage the possibility for those involved to make their own decisions and control their own life. A lyer knowingly and intentionally sabotages the information others' get, in order to prevent them from making the right decisions for themselves. That's the reason they lie. And that lacks any respect for the peopel involved. And it's not a bad childhood that inflicts a person to lie, nor the substance/person/process they are addicted to. The person is lying in order to stay addicted and not let those involved protect themselves from this person and his/'hers addiction.

It has been my experience that there will be presented a lot of dramatic and pityfull (childhood)experiences and/or promises to change. However, these are just acts in order to be able to sustain the situation, in order to keep the person attached to the lyer and not walk away. It's rarely a sincere attempt for true and fundamental change.

I really like you TotalAnxiousness, and pray for you. Because eventhough you know your are a though girl and can handle it, I don't wish you those kind of harmfull situations. I truly wish you joy and happines. And for now a lot of wisdom and support form people with good intentions.

BlackAdder7 said:

1) do not be complacent. express your feelings of hurt anger and disappointment as often as you need to.

2) Couple's therapy....sometimes you need a third person in the room to be able to say what you want to.

3) Al-Anon, and other support groups for spouses of addicts exist

4) Decide if you want to fix things. it takes a lot of work, patience, and love.

do you want to invest in all of those?

5) Communication.....only by talking calmly and without judgement willl an addict feel comfortable in discussing the reason why there is an addiction.

Al-Anon generates def. powerful healing forces for structural attendees.

And I apreciate your positive and hopefull views about how people are capapble of change. Maybe I'm too pessimistic. I sure do hope you are right, and things can work out for the best.

Might depend

is it

Husband

Child

Sibling

Parent

Friend

It really would depend on the relationship and it's importance in my life at the time

Best wishes girl you know I ya !

Machaela said:

Husband DIVORCE

Child SPANKING

Sibling SLAPPING

Parent HOMELESS

Friend DEATH

JoeTyler said:

Machaela said:

Husband DIVORCE

Child SPANKING

Sibling SLAPPING

Parent HOMELESS

Friend DEATH

Yeah not quite my style but if it's YOURS !

I have discovered that once the person knows and believes that what they are doing is wrong, then less reaction is actually more. It makes them reflect better on their actions when they expect a negative reaction, but instead they really get no reaction at all.

Kind of like the old line "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed" It hurts bad to know the person you love is to the point where they don't support your behavior, but it no longer affects them. It is a serious sign of trouble, like they have detached themselves.

But that would not apply to a woman cheating on me--esp repeatedly. I would probably have to leave them.

Machaela said:

JoeTyler said:

Husband DIVORCE

Child SPANKING

Sibling SLAPPING

Parent HOMELESS

Friend DEATH

Yeah not quite my style but if it's YOURS !

Yeah we know how you roll Mach...you just whip out the knife and will CUT a motha'

...actually I envison you getting angry and having harsh words...then brewing a pot of chamomille & lavender tea over a campfire and discussing the situation...nekked if hubby...

I kill them and bury them in the backyard with the others.

SHOCKADELICA1 said:

I kill them and bury them in the backyard with the others.

The org is a very inspiring place to me.

**Canyouteachmethemosteffectivemethods**